There’s this commercial that’s been bugging the heck out of me and I just need to complain. Unfortunately, there’s no song involved so I can’t put this in the “Commercial songs you hate” thread.
Anyway, the ad is for Fleet Bank and the point of it is that the Fleet personnel are so dedicated to helping their customers that your problems become their problems. Thus we have a bunch of Fleet people telling us things like:
“If you need traveler’s checks five minutes after closing, I need traveler’s checks five minutes after closing.”
and
“If you have an error on your statement, I have an error on my statement.”
All of which sounds odd to me, but I can cope. But then they come out with this gem:
“If you need help with a 401K rollover, I need help with a 401K rollover.”
What?? Your telling me that if I go to Fleet because I need help, I will find people just as confused and ignorant as me? What good does that do me? Howsabout I just head on over to another bank where the people know how to solve my problem. Sheesh.
If you head on over to another bank where the people know how to solve your problem, I head on over to another bank where the people know how to solve my problem.
I just want you to know how cruel your user name is. Everytime I see one of your posts I am immediately seized by cravings for the crunchy, slightly salty, mouth wateringly good snack that is your namesake. It is mean. It is not fair. It makes me hungry, when I still have two hours at work and 3 before my dinner. It makes me think dark, evil thoughts about sneaking off for a romp with just me, a toaster, a packet of Lurpak/Land O’Lakes and a loaf of white, bleached artificial bread.
I beg you to change your name, preferably to something deeply unappetising. How about “phlegm”?
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
[/sorry, hijack]
I just want you to know how cruel your user name is. Everytime I see one of your posts I am immediately seized by cravings for the sweet, slightly acidy, mouth wateringly good snack that is your namesake. It is mean. It is not fair. It makes me hungry, when I still have two hours at work and 3 before my dinner. It makes me think dark, evil thoughts about sneaking off for a romp with just me and a citrus peeler.
I beg you to change your name, preferably to something deeply unappetising. How about “festering wound”?
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
[/sorry, hijack of hijack]
[sorry, hijack of hijack of hijack]
Dear NutMagnet
I just want you to know how cruel your user name is. Everytime I see one of your posts I am immediately seized by the disturbing image of polarized nuts that is your namesake. It is mean. It is not fair. It makes me cringe at the thought of my testicles repelling each other to the point of swinging outward from my scrotum much like the ears of Johnson’s beagle.
I beg you to change your name, preferably to something deeply desirous. How about “NutGravity”?
Thank you for your consideration in this matter.
[/sorry, hijack of hijack of hijack]
[sorry, hijack of hijack of hijack of hijack]
Dear lieu
I just want you to know how great your user name is. Every time I see one of your posts, I am immediately seized by the wonderful feeling of knowing that I never, ever want to taste any liquid (or other form thereof) that’s normally associated with the stories in your posts.
I beg you to never change your name. It gives me ample warning to run if need be.
[/sorry, hijack of hijack of hijack of hijack]
Dear Omniscient Force of the Universe or Lack thereof:
I must thank you for preventing anyone from remarking on how the name of the bank in the OP has tirggered in anyone the longing, yearning, or desire for an eponymous enema.
Yours with best wishes,
Ms Boods
I don’t know if your Fleet is the same as our Fleet, now though it’s FleetBoston.
The bank is a joke. All the workers I ever had the displeasure of meeting were complete mouthbreathers. I was a perfectly happy customer of BankBoston and sadly found myself looking for a new bank because the bastards merged with Fleet.
I’ve never seen the commercial though so it’s probably not the same bank. It just reminded me that 4 years later, I’m still bitter about the loss of a fine bank.
Anyway, about the annoying commercials… Those damn Christian Rock music commercials that the Cartoon Network has during Adult Swim. I have nothing against Christian music, I’ve actually been to a Carmen concert and enjoyed it but watching people singing about how wonderful their God is right in the middle of the Oblongs is disturbing.
Speaking of Adult Swim, let me mention those confounded cards that show the schedule for Sundays and weekdays after midnight. I don’t watch that much widespread anime. I’ve stood by the kiddie ones like Pokemon, Hamtaro, Digimon, Card Captor Sakura. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THOSE BLASTED SHILOUETTES ARE! How am I supposed to decide what I might or might not want to try watching if I can’t tell what it is?!
I WANT to watch more anime. You’re losing at least this one viewer.
Surprisingly, I like the Sealab 2021 ads that spoof the DirecTV ads (with the characters reading the fan letters). Much fun.
BTW, slight hijack–there’s a SolGrundy here, yes? Is it by any chance the same SolGrundy that was being shown on the cards every so often a few months ago? That would be ubercool.
[If you hijack a thread beyond all recognition, I hijack a thread beyond all recognition]
Dear congodwarf,
I just want you to know how cruel your user name is. Everytime I see one of your posts I am immediately seized by the thought of John Rhys-Davies playing the drums…aw, hell, I can’t even think straight right now.
This has to be, post for post, one of the all-time funniest thread hijackings ever. I am weak with laughter here, folks, weak!
I’m not sure if this is just a local thing (I’m in South-East Asia here), but the Dove shampoo commercial is the commercial I loathe the most.
Everything about that commercial sets my nerves on edge. You see, the theme here is that they get ordinary women to testify about how Dove shampoo changed their lives and their hair, making them shiny and happy. There was a newspaper article about this.
Quote from the commercial: “It’s quite nice, actually. I feel very light. It’s as springy as I am.”
HOW IS SHAMPOO SPRINGY? SHAMPOO IS NOT SPRINGY. IT IS A THICK, SEMI-VISCOUS LIQUID!
The rest of the series, I can assure you, is similarly inspired. That quote does not do it justice, as it’s the way they deliver the lines that makes my entire soul full of hatred for Dove shampoo.
I hate the Kotex commercials with the bouncy red dot (a period–get it?). I especially depise the way the show the pad with the dot bouncing on it–I am just waiting for it to splat itself into the pad to demonstrate how absorbent the product is. I hate all feminine care ads, but this one is just about the worst!
Snuggle Bear is such a smug little bastard and I truly wish he’d land head first on that porcupine’s quills.
The Elixsure ad where that kid slaps the medicine out of the spoon. If mine did that (at that age) one of two things would happen–they’d either suck the medicine out of the pj top they spilled it on, or they’d have a cough syrup enema. (Note: I think the product is a good idea–but I find that kid VERY annoying.)
Oh, Mayflower! It’s all in the perspective when it comes to Snuggle Bear! I, too, used to hate his fleecy little putrescence.
Then.
I have a friend who does make up and costuming professionally, and found herself working on a few snuggle commercials. She told me the debauched, horrifying things that bear says during the breaks. He’s dirty. Really, really dirty. They used to make him do all sorts of rude stuff.
So, the next time you find yourself in deep loathing when a snuggle commercial comes on, try turning the sound off and imagining that sweet, gentle purveyor of fine snuggly softness saying something in a gruff voice like, “Hey! Laundry WHORE! Why don’t you come over here and dry the sweat off my fuzzy little balls!” etc., etc.
I had to ask my children. How wrong is that. Althought now that school has started they don’t get to stay up that late. And I miss my Sunday Adult Swim since I am back to work now.
But I did get my Aqua Teen Hunger Force DVD’s so I do get my fix on occation.
I hate those commercials that go, “What can a Country-Western bar/steering wheel/etc. teach us about investing?”
Right, like I would pick them over a company that said, “What can Wharton School of Business teach us about investing?”
(Commercial blast from the past: I still wonder what they did with that chandelier that they dipped in pancake batter. Did they sell it as slightly used?)
