I don’t know whether dating websites have this service, but (like you say,) I imagine that it could backfire pretty easily. Using my own previous example, the real reason that I didn’t go out again with the last guy I gave a chance? I found him physically unappealing, not very bright, and boring. I don’t think I could tell someone that, face-to-face or not. What I told him was (to paraphrase): “I just don’t think we have very much in common, and this isn’t going to work.” Even in an on-line survey, I think I’d feel the need to be equally tactful. (Until he continued acting like a stalker for a good month or so, and finally showed up to confront me at my regular weekly social event… Then I might be painfully, tactlessly honest.)
On the other hand, some people would likely go out of their way to be hurtful in such a post-date survey. Didn’t get past a handshake and coffee? “You’re an ugly cow.” No oral sex? “I wouldn’t ‘f’ you with my worst enemy’s johnson.” It seems to me that there are an awful lot of ways that a follow-up survey could go horribly, hurtfully wrong.
First of all you are assuming “unsuccessful dates” mean that there is something wrong with the person. I generally assume unsuccessful dates are the rule, not the exception, until you find someone you actually want to have a relationship with.
Second, no one would ever date on your site because eventually every woman would be a “psycho bitch” who “doesn’t put out” and “smells like cat litter” and every man would “have a small penis” and be a “cheap bastard” or a “closet homosexual”.
This is actually what high-end dating and matchmaking services do, pretty much. In addition to going out with clients themselves for dinner (to observe them and find out what type of person they claim to be) they get feedback form the first few people they date (to find out what kind of person they really are).
You’re certainly giving Stephen King a run for his money here…
::tries to keep knees from knocking together in abject terror, and fails::
I find these ‘nice guy’ threads to be quite the illumination into a part of the psyche of both (well, two, don’t want to be exclusionary) genders, and quite the reminder of the way I used to think.
I wonder whether there isn’t just a mental self-image by some people that romantic love is nigh-unto-impossible for them and this attitude causes them to obsess over it and make it an even tougher road to hoe to ‘find someone’ due to desperation being about as attractive as a midden heap at midsummer.
You don’t need someone to complete you. You can’t always get what you want.
When you know that… I don’t know… having been in the nice-guy spot myself it’s definitely preferable (in many ways, geddit?) on this side. The grass is certainly greener!
Another perspectve: nice guys sometimes are too nice, and not in a creepy way. This generally occurs when the guy has managed to successfully navigate the dates without being creepy, or when a woman dates someone she’s known for a while, only to find out the guy’s a doormat.
I’ve never been in this situation, but I’ve seen it happen with my friends. Longtime friends give dating a shot. Things go well, but the girl starts to get annoyed that the guy seems to live to serve. She casually mentions that she’s hungry. With no comment, the guy gets up and makes her a sandwich.
That’s an actual example from my best friend and another friend’s relationship. She finally broke it off because it was so off-putting to date a guy who sat around waiting for an opportunity to wait on her hand and foot. You got the impression that she could order him around at will, and that’s not an attractive trait in a mate.
We are talking about people who go many years without finding a mate, despite going on many first dates. I assume these people would like to get some sort of feedback about what is not going well for them.
I agree that there are (possibly insurmountable) problems with the idea. However, with some tweaking, it could work.
For example, the feedback could be just multiple-choice, and have a small number of categories.
e.g.
"Why didn’t you want to go out on date with him/her again: Check the top three reasons:
Looks unappealing
Character unappealing
Financial security (or lack thereof)
Lack of common interests
Religion (too religious/not religious enough/wrong religion)
Politics
Mismatch in future plans (wanting kids or not, wanting marriage or not, moving to different town soon, etc)
Some of the above categories might have sub-categories.
If one uses this service and gets responses that span all categories (i.e. different people point to different categories as the reason), then there is nothing wrong with them, they just need to find the right person for them.
But, if most of the responses are focused on one or two categories (e.g. looks or financial security), they can try to do something about it (like lose some weight, work out, get a good haircut, get a stable job, etc.)
Are we? IME, there are a lot of guys who don’t go on a lot of dates - the obsess about a particular woman for a long period of time making themselves unavailable to any other opportunity, then when she doesn’t work out for them, wonder what is wrong with them.
I agree that someone who goes out with 100 women over two years and seldom gets to the second date, and hasn’t gotten to a third date, probably needs a dating coach. But there are people who do that - and you are probably going to get better results from an objective professional.
Do you think that is a good thing or a bad thing? I ask because it doesn’t bug me at all that someone with bad judgment wouldn’t want to date me. On the contrary, I find good judgment to be quite attractive.
Basically that’s telling women to go against what they are by nature sexually attracted to and go with what makes more practical sense. Which is not that easy.
I think “boring” men can take advantage of the evolved female response by noting the following
So, if you are a non masculine-looking man, who is kind and co-operative, but less strong and healthy genetically, just approach women during their less fertile times in the menstrual cycle
Someone would make a killing in the market if they developed a gadget that could detect whether a woman standing next to you is in the fertile time of her menstrual cycle or not.
