Another silly advice thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I really do not want to go into much detail here, as the situation is just too bizarre. In a nutshell, there is a person, M*, with whom I have had a very volatile relationship for the last 20 years. On the last occasion, he (in no uncertain terms) stated that I had “hurt him too badly for forgiveness” and that he wished no further contact with me. Fair enough.

Through a very strange turn of events, I have found myself messaging with him via myspace. I came across a profile that was set to private – I came across this profile through a keyword search on the name of a town that is about 200 miles from the last place I know he lived. I did not search for him.

Because of the following, I am pretty sure that he also is quite aware to whom he has been speaking:
[ul]
[li]My profile is not set to private and I have a lot of pictures of me. I look like I did when we last saw each other, just a little older. Plus there is a picture of me as a teenager on my profile – that alone is enough.[/li][li]Certain things have been said by both of us regarding our past history – in 3rd person.[/li][li]If he took the time to peruse my profile, he would have seen my name on it several times.[/li][li]I live very close to where we both grew up – he pointed this out in one of our first messages.[/li][/ul]

So, now, the meat of my need for advice. I know that I really shouldn’t be talking to him. It will most likely end up badly for both of us, but I really don’t want to lose him again. I have no ulterior motives here other than wanting to know that his life is happy and fulfilled. I do not want to leave my husband for him (or anyone else), I do not want to rekindle anything. I value him as a person, and value his happiness.

I have not technically decieved him about my identity, I just haven’t brought it up. Neither has he. It feels like one of those unspoken obvious facts. I am afraid if I bring it up he will be angry, but at the same time, this sick, masochistic part of me feels the need to be 100% honest with him.

He sent me a message saying he would be out of town from yesterday morning until this evening and "Should you want to talk you could call if you like. 555-555-5555**. Up to you. Talk with you later. "

Is this normal behaviour? Either way – whether he knows who I am or not, would you consider it normal and acceptable to give your number out to someone on myspace after messaging for only 3 days?

I haven’t called. I am too chickenshit. I know it’s a slippery slope and I don’t want to go down it. I just want to know what you guys think. Is he playing games, or does he want to talk for real? FWIW, he has a very cute long-term live-in girlfriend. He seems very happy and he knows that I am married. Is this normal behaviour for a guy? Am I just so socially inept that I am trying to read more into a simple offer than is there?

Do I owe him an explanation for not calling? I say no, since he made it clear that it is my choice to call or not, but I kind of would like to let him know that it is fear, considering our past relationship. But that takes me into the realm of admitting who I am and bringing that whole thing into the issue. I don’t want him thinking that I would turn my back on him the way he thinks I did before. BAH! This could almost be a self-pitting, for the things I would like to say, but I want honest, no-flames opinions…

Help me, oh ye denizens of the SDMB.

*not his real name or initial
**not his real phone number

2

You’re a married woman. Nothing good can come of this. Stop all contact with him.

3

[silly advice]Cover yourself with Crisco, roll around on the floor at a dog groomers, and then call him up. However, only make chicken clucking noises at him.[/silly advice]

[actual advice]What Oakminster said. It’s a bad situation all around. Just break off any contact.[/actual advice]

4

Litoris–Volatile Boy sounds like bad news.

So, why don’t you want to lose him again, when you know that having him around “will most likely end up badly for both of us…”?

Okay, so…let me get this straight. There’s the possibility that things could heat up between you and him, possibly making trouble for your relationship with your husband. And you admit that the end result of getting back in touch with him will probably be lousy. Why, exactly, do you want to stay in contact with this guy again?

Yeah, but you also value yours in the long term. So why are you in touch with him?

In that case, you know what to do. You know very well what’s going on between you and this guy, at least on your side. You also know that, ultimately, maintaining contact with Volatile Boy is bad for you. Listen to your instincts; they’re probably right.

I think you’re not really asking us for advice, here. Maybe I’m reading you wrong, but it seems to me that you’re asking us SDMBers for two things:

  1. Acceptance, justification, or forgiveness for having gotten in touch with him and then keeping up contact.

  2. Encouragement to end your exchanges with him, which is what you know you have to in the first place, even though it’s going to be hard.

I know that it can be very difficult to see an emotional situation clearly when you’re in the midst of it. Heaven only knows I have trouble seeing my own romantic relationships (and some romantic ex-relationships) with any sort of useful dispassion. It seems to me that you might benefit from taking a deep breath and looking at this situation as if it were someone else’s. Why, really, are you even considering giving him a phone call? You already know that keeping in touch with this guy is, in all likelihood, pretty self-destructive. So what’s going on, here? What’s the payoff or incentive for you in your interactions with him? What do you hope to get out of messaging and/or talking with him, and is that hope at all realistic? What risks are you running, and are those risks worth whatever potential payoff there may be?

5

You know what to do. You know the vast majority of us are going to tell you to do that exact thing. Stop the bullshit and do it.

6

Give him a call, confess your undying love for him, and ask for a three-way with your husband.

7

Wow, I guess your not all that anti-social after all. What does your husband think about you chatting with an ex? You had a very volatile relationship with him and you think it’s a good idea to get in contact with him because?

8

I have seen too many posts like this. I predict many replies justifying why she should stay in touch with him and minimizing the fact that she’s hooked. Witness the ‘happiness’ section of her post.

Understand, Litoris, that you have an addiction. Treat it as such. Meaning quit cold turkey and never go back. Because this will do you as much harm, or more, than any other addiction.

You know very well what you should do. But there’s the little whiny voice 'way deep down that is saying ‘but I waannnaaaa’. You need to tell it to shut up. Unless you really want to tend to it more than you care for your spouse and family.

9

Let’s see.

You’re all right of course, I know the answer to what I should do. I know what I will do and I know why I will do it, although it isn’t the reasons I should do it. I won’t call him and I will end up stopping the messaging. I just wanted re-enforcement of what I already knew.

More than that, I guess I was hoping for insight as to why he would do this to himself. I know why I do it to me. I just didn’t know anyone else could be as mentally screwed up as I am.

My husband doesn’t know (yet – he will soon, as I am way the hell too honest to not tell him) about the messaging. When I tell him, he will want to see the messages, and I will show them to him. He knows me too well to worry about me creeping – it just isn’t in me to do something like that. Like I have said before, I have a great relationship with my husband – we are both very lucky to have one another, and we both know it. This will not affect that.

At no point have I so much as contemplated trying to rekindle anything with M. In all honesty, and I hate to admit this, since it really paints a true picture of the kind of person I am, he is the only person for whom I have ever just wanted happiness without anything in return. Now that I know that he has a good life and is pretty happy, well that’s all I wanted. I can’t explain it.

I know this all sounded like one of those “I never got over him, should I cheat on my husband” threads, but it isn’t. Mostly, I donno, I guess I just had to put it into words. And be reminded by strangers that it is bad news.

Thanks for the replies, guys. It helps to hear from people who can look at the situation rationally. Probably the main reason I brought it here, the people in my life who know the whole story have recommended the opposite path – the one I see as bad news. That should tell you just how complicated the whole thing is. Seriously, sometimes I feel like my life should be a movie – at least then I could laugh about it!