Another wedding invite question...

The short version: This past summer, my SO (soon to be fiance) had a major dust up and falling out with the longtime girlfriend of one of his best friends for some things she posted on Facebook about him, to a point where my SO has told his friend not to let her within a mile of him… I’ve never met her and I’ve told my SO that if I ever do, it will be ugly, because of what she wrote about him. She’s never apologized for what she wrote.

Which brings me to my question: Can we not invite her to the wedding? If the shoe was on the other foot, I would tell my friend that I would not be inviting her, because of her behavior and that I hope he understands. Then, if he decides not to attend, so be it…

I guess I’ll defer to whatever my SO wants, but I don’t want her there. And I feel like inviting her sanctions her shitty behavior… On the other hand, we can take the high road and hope she doesn’t attend, which is actually quite likely because they live in England and the wedding will be in Toronto…

What do you all think?

You could split the difference, and invite him and “a guest”.

If you do invite just him, you need to decide what you’ll say if he asks to bring a guest (whether he just says “a guest”, or her name explicitly).

Maybe I’m not up on the finer points of etiquette but I don’t see why your fiance couldn’t have a talk with his best friend; give him the wedding invitation and tell him that while he (the friend) is very welcome, the GF is not due to the situation of which I assume the BF is well aware. Make it clear to the BF that if he chooses not to come because his GF isn’t invited that you understand.

The only alternatives are:

  1. Don’t invite the best friend. That may result in the loss of a friend.

  2. Invite the BF and “hope” that he knows not to bring his GF. Leaving a potentially nasty confrontation at your wedding up to chance strikes me as a very poor gamble, one not worth taking.

It’s your wedding. You can (as a couple) be honest, upfront and mature with the BF about this since it’s a concern.

Out of curiosity, what would happen if she did show up at the wedding?

Going postal on someone like that on your special day would really give her the Win for the day, wouldn’t it?

I say invite the friend, but make it well known that the gf is not to come along. There are a lot of people in my fiancee’s life that I cannot stand, and I have it made well known thagt if they show up they will be removed.

What I want to do is send people uninvites. I don’t want them to think we forgot to send them an invite, I want them to know I thought about them and made a conscious decision that I did not want them near me. But my fiancee threatened me if I did that, or if one of my friends took it amongst themselves to do it.

I am with Shirley. Are you sure you are old enough to be married? Facebook, really?

Have you tried just contacting her to straighten it out?

Even if you have, try again, this time mention that wedding bells are going to be ringing, and given the past history of the boys, it seems like a good time to smooth it all over.

If that doesn’t accomplish the trick, and you give it an honest and fair effort, then don’t invite either of them. They will have gotten your signal, and you should get theirs.

I am always puzzled by questions like this. If anything, KSO, you are too considerate. It is your wedding, and if you do not want someone there then to heck with the high road.

Also, if the gentleman in the UK is such a great friend, why is he condoning his girlfriend’s behavior (even if only tacitly)? He appears to have made a choice regarding who is more important in his life.

You’re too immature to be getting married.

I wish your fiance luck. I’d hate to be married to someone who makes scenes for no reason.

This is a matter that your soon-to-be fiance and his friend need to sort out. In fact, I’m suprised that they haven’t sorted it out already.

What did she write? It’s quite possible that you’re blowing the whole thing out of proportion.

Remember, we don’t know you or your SO, and it sounds like what she wrote is a lie anyway, so it shouldn’t matter if you tell us. But without knowing what she wrote and why it is so upsetting, any advice we give is potentially misguided.

I don’t think you can invite a friend and tell him not to bring his girlfriend - I think your only option in that situation is not inviting the friend. I know if my husband got invited to a social event and expressly told not to bring me, that would be the last those people ever saw of him (I mean before the party - I don’t think he would choose to go to the party in those circumstances).

Thank you for the constructive responses.

While I don’t want her to attend, I think the best bet is to take the high road and hope she has the sense not to attend. If she does show up, I’ll have more important things on my mind.

I’m not going to get into the specifics of what she wrote, other than to say they were extremely insulting and hurtful personal attacks that ANYONE would take offense to.

Thanks again.

In my experience, I’ve never regretted taking the high road and being gracious, or at least polite, to people I was pissed at. While I have generally regretted those occasions when I was rude.

That doesn’t mean I won’t tell people hard truths. But there’s a time and place for that.