Yeah - I heard that a lot from the families (and the social workers) when they were dealing with these young girls. A lot of them were very young (14-16y.o.) and in the end, the parents had the final say. Most pushed the fact that a two parent home would be better for the child, that the mother was unfit, etc…
… which sometimes was totally amusing as a lot of these mothers came from totally dysfunctional previously-two-parent households…
:rolleyes:
Myeah… unless the teen was really seriously strongwilled and able to come up with solutions and find help on her own, she’d eventually give into the parental pressure or the social worker’s pressure (or the agency worker’s pressure)… just so she didn’t end up on the street. Unfortunately, the “you won’t be allowed to come home and you’ll have to live on the streets!” threat came out from the parents more often than I care to remember.
The US State Department shut down Cambodian adoptions because there was baby selling going on. Which is not that uncommon with international adoptions -though our government does really try to make sure women are giving up their babies willingly. However “willingly” is a whole different situation when your options are so limited.
My son is from South Korea. South Korea has very little social safety net for a single mom. Daycare is not common - as most houses still have “traditional” families - often with several generations living under the same roof where “mom” stays home. So a single woman who has a child out of wedlock may be kicked out of her family, need to work to support herself, but have no place to put the child while she works. How many choices does a woman like this REALLY have? Some women do keep their children - but it isn’t an easy life for them or their child.
Don’t get me wrong - I’ve been the lucky beneficiary of a system that SUCKS! and I believe my son is better off with me than his birthmom (who, from what I know, had no family support system). But I’m not so naive as to believe this is not a loss for all three of us (my son’s birthmother, my son, and myself). For some people - in all parts of the triad (even the occational adoptive parent - who really is the luckiest of the three) - sometimes the pain is so great that they can’t see any good for themselves or others.
When we went through adoption training, we talked to a lot of birthmoms and parents - some involved in open adoptions. Open adoptions are strange things. Often there is a lot of contact early on (especially when the birthmother is still in high school) and as the birthmother’s life changes (she goes to college, gets a new boyfriend, etc), the contact starts to slip. In some ways, this is unfortunate, because her interest in her bio-child often starts to slip just as his interest in his birth mom picks up (in my experience - at age four or five). But this contact is better than nothing. I’d give my eyeteeth to fulfill my son’s request of having a relationship with his birthmom.
Open adoption discussions always make me remember the party I attended when I was 14. There was a 15 year old girl there that had given her baby up 5 months before, in an open adoption. She was still quite disturbed (hostess said from way back, not related to adoption) and made several hang-up calls to the adoptive family at 5 am. I have to say, when the adoptive parents did that deal, I don’t think they were expecting to be dealing with harrassing phone calls from a emotionally troubled 15 year old. I suspect the agency didn’t mention that possibility.
Closed adoption discussions always make me think of my best friend in middle school. She and her sister were both adopted from a different 14 year old mother. Never mind how bad the placement was (it was BAD), I could soooo see why their moms got in trouble. Both girls developed D cups in 4th and 5th grade. They were ripe for picking. It was annoying because we would be hanging out and she’d be getting picked up on. She wasn’t interested, but guys sure were. Sometimes I think genetics is involved in who gets pregnant at a young age.
I am somewhat anti-adoption just because it seems to get f’ed up more than it should. I don’t have an ethical problem with it, I have a procedural problem with it.
Exactly, that’s what I got from my family. At least Nanna and the Aunts and Uncles. Luckily my Mom and Dad are both supportive (well my Dad partially over the awe of being a Grandpa now, and partially in thumbing my nose at that side of the family. Yeah my Parent’s divorce asn’t amicable why do you ask? My Dad really hates my Nanna.) The only difference is I am 21 and if I hadn’t had my parents support I still would have somewhat a chance of giving him a good home on my own.
It’s a real shame that people pressure girls into doing what they don’t want… but I can say that if I had been in the 14-16 year old range I would’ve given him up. I was mature enough at that point to realize I couldn’t take care of a baby, but thankfully I didn’t have to decide that then.
I used to be involved with Operation Rescue. Yes, that one. Now, this was 15 years ago, and I’m not the same person I was 15 years ago, so don’t bother yelling at me about it. But I still have great sympathy for women in crisis pregnancies. Especially since my last pregnancy sucked so very badly.
So, recently I made an appeal on a couple of moms mailing lists, for moms to send me old, stained baby clothes which I can tie-dye and donate to a crisis pregnancy center at my mom’s church. Presumably, the women who go there have decided to at the very least not have abortions, whether they intend to give their children up for adoption or not.
So then I got chewed out for bringing up such a “hot” topic: how DARE I discuss a place that helps out women in tough situations, because after all, CPCs are known for having anti-abortion stances. I guess women who decide not to have abortions, but who are in a tough spot, should just struggle along without help. Because god knows helping them is too controversial.
If it’s wrong to adopt, and wrong to help women in crisis pregnancies, well, hell, I just don’t know what to think.
(But for the record, some folks were delighted to have a place to send stained baby clothes for recycling, and I’m delighted not to have to pay so much out of my pocket. And the clients love the tie dyes. So, doom on those ultra-PC folks. I’ll help whom I damn well please.)
I have to admit, my first thought reading the OP was much like that shown there. Since then I’ve been doing some thinking. I can see all the problems and abuses that Elenfair and others have mentioned. Doesn’t mean that I agree with the idea that the solution is to remove adoption as an option, but I can at least grant that the Anti-Adoption Lobby is made up of rational, and good intentioned people. (Which, if you could have read my thoughts when I first read the OP, is quite a come down.)
I’d also like to say that the Canadian site that OP linked to was much less… strident than the US one, enough so that the Canadian site did a lot to educate me, where all the US one did was get my back up. Being told that my cousins (both of whom are adopted) are NOT my family pissed me off, big time.
Certainly I can remember while I was in college all the personal ads in the school paper from couples looking to adopt, and I can imagine just how much pressure there would be for those students who bucked the pressure from the infirmary to have an abortion to accept that.
I’m not sure that open adoption only is the answer. I’ve talked to women who have gone the abortion route, and while some want to know about the life of their child, others do not want to be reminded of what they gave up. Ever.
I guess I’m just saying that I’d be more pleased with a lobby pushing for reform for adoption, rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater. (pun intended - sorry)
Speaking as someone to whom adoption may be the only way to bring a child into our life, I just want to say Open Adoptions as a concept really piss me off.
I mean ok, I can understand a child wanting to know about their birth family, and I am all for being open with the child from the beginning about how they came into the world and into our family, so that as a teen or an adult it’s not a surprise.
But the idea that someone can get pregnant by some means and feel “i’m not fit/ready for this responsibility” but feel that after they let someone else, raise the child, try to teach it right from wrong, deal with all the hard parts of life, but then get to pop in like Frank Sinatra on a cameo walkon for birthdays and holidays and share all the good times. That just makes me ill.
I feel that in a lot of ways Open Adoption treats the adoptive parents quite badly and the only reason people agree to it is that the birth parents now-a-days feel that they should have the right to be a big part of a child’s life even if they didn’t make the necessary sacrifices to keep the child. In many cases if someone doesn;t agree to open adoption they are passed by.
Call me selfish if you will, but the thought that a child i love, a child I raise, a child that by all accounts aside from DNA is mine should be considered a “shared child” just sickens me.