One thing that I get silently freaked out by (and that shows itself to others by me getting snappish) is when I am doing some task and someone wants to have a conversation with me. Not the demanding ‘we need to talk’ kind of conversation, but the kind of light chat that I’d enjoy with the same person sitting on the sofa in my mental ‘conversation’ mode. But when I do something I want to devote my full attention to it. Especially if the task has some checking/counting/sorting etc. element to it.
Example:
My SO: [thinks] Mops is folding his T-shirts. He’ll be bored. I’ll keep him company and chat with him.
Me: [thinks] She approaches. I must hurry to finish folding before she starts distracting me. Notnow notnow please. Too late. I am going to die in a T-shirt folding accident!
My options in communicating my predicament are limited - when I say something like ‘Just a moment, I am doing something’ people usually do not decode it as ‘Shut up for just a moment while I am doing something’, and if I asked them outright to shut up they’d misunderstand it to refer to themselves, not their timing. With a few people I have talked about it with some success; my SO mostly has adjusted her timing to an admirable degree (finishes one sentence, lets me tie my shoelaces, begins next sentence :)).
Has anyone any experience with training themselves out of this unfortunate mental habit of not trusting oneself to handle task and a chat at the same time?
I don’t see it as an unfortunate mental habit. Some things need undivided attention, and if I can’t give it, I’d rather stop what I’m doing until the talker is finished.
So I stop what I’m doing and give my full attention to the talker. Turn and face them, hands off the keyboard, pause the DVD, turn off the heat under the sauce, etc.
This won’t work with a non-stop chatterer, but I can tune those people out.
Talk to her about how you’re just not wired to juggle more than one thing at a time; especially doing a task, and having a conversation.
Once she understands that, the considerate thing to do on her part, is to recognize you’re in the middle of something and leave you be, if she doesn’t need something from you right then. But reassure her that as soon as you finish, you’ll be all hers.
I don’t think you need to train yourself out of it, some people are just more focused than others. I think you should be up front with your SO, just tell her what you told us. It stresses you out to do more than one thing at a time, you love talking to her but you want to focus on that even when it’s just casual conversation.
I have the opposite problem. I can’t single task anymore. It started when the kids were little but it’s gotten worse as time passes. I generally try and stick to one mindless task and one that I am paying most of my attention too but in times of scheduling conflicts I’ve managed two tasks which theoretically should have my full attention - for example, cooking while negotiating a cease fire between project resources trying to kill each others careers. My high (low?) point was recently where I had one headset in each ear with a conference call on each and still managed to reply to several emails during that hour. Luckily it was the last hour of the day though because I was wiped out by the end of it.
Calmly tell your SO that you really can only do one thing at a time and that you’ll be just a minute, then you can devote all your attention to her. Make sure she knows that she’s not bugging you, just that it’s the way you’re wired.
I also have the problem of not being able to single task. Which reminds me that I need to start a new sewing project so I have something fiddly to do with my hands in the evening when my husband wants to hang out and watch TV.
Thanks for the input. My problem is not with my SO specifically - I just gave the T-shirt folding situation as an example. Actually she is the person who accommodates me best in this.
My problem is mainly with people I interact with infrequently, i.e. to whom I cannot expect to explain a quirk of mine with a view to them changing their behaviour.
For example I take shirts to the laundry for washing and ironing every week or two, and I get very stressed when I count them and double-check pockets (prior to handing them over) while at the same time the proprietress makes small talk to me. I have taken to make the count at home and pocket a small note with the number, but sometimes I forget. So I think some degree of mental retraining would be useful for me.
Finish your counting and checking, then turn to the proprietress with a smile on your face and say, “You were saying…?” Talking to someone who is obviously counting and checking is oblivious on her part. On the other hand, I wouldn’t know not to talk to someone who is folding shirts or tying his shoes - those seem like mindless activities to me. If this is happening at work while you’re trying to concentrate on your job, I’d probably say something like, “Joe, this is taking all my concentration at the moment. Can I come over to your desk when I’m done here?”
:)).