You could always try the Airplane! method, e.g., begin drenching yourself with gasoline as the person drones on and then pull out a match.
This assumes that they actually listen to and/or process anything you say.
I knew a guy who wasn’t quite Maynardy, but he would get that way when trying to argue something. Only problem was that he would be oblivious to the fact that what he was arguing wasn’t physically possible or was against the rules of the game he was talking about, or whatever.
He could be arguing that the sky was green. You’d interrupt and say “Gerald, the sky isn’t green.” He’d say “I know what you’re saying, but” and continue arguing how the sky was green.
When I called him on this crap, he admitted that he didn’t actually listen to what anyone was saying, all he heard was that they didn’t agree with him, and since what he had in his mind made so much sense to him, he just tried harder to make his point.
Update: we had our dinner with them. He was wonderful - Mr. Athena is of the opinion that someone said something to him, because he didn’t dominate the conversation at all. Figures, the one time I start a thread about him, he gets all normal and I have no opportunity to should “THREE BOOBS” at him. Sheesh! :smack:
Hmm looking at how common Maynards are, I’d think there would be one around me, but I can’t think of anyone like that. That either means: I’m one of them 
(not likely), or I must be doing something that works on them.
Or… he’s a doper. 
I have a Maynard, I didn’t realize how bad it was until he moved away. In person he must be better at reading other people’s body language because he actually turn takes in conversations, but LORDY on the phone he is total conversationally challenged. Finally, I started calling him less or letting his calls to me go to voice mail. A few weeks ago he said that he was sad that “we haven’t talked as much lately” to which I was able to reply “you’re just sad you haven’t got to talk as much lately”. The thing is that he has to know that if he does this because the behavior does change for a few conversations after it’s pointed out, but then it reverts back to me listening to him talk on and on.
Duct Tape.
The mere existence of this thread may provide a solution.
Next time our gang congregates and our Maynard is there I’ll casually mention this thread. I’ve brought up interesting doper topics before so there’s precident.
Without singling him out or giving him any clue I’m doing this AT him, I’ll recount the OP’s note-perfect description of a Maynard (…even talking about what he had for lunch!) colourfully expound on some of the more creative solutions mentioned here (one suggestion was a tennis ball - many were just resigned to gnawing their legs off to escape!)
He’s a smart guy, though and fairly self-reflective. He would eventually suss my intentions, and I’m not sure if I have the balls to risk offence by even indirectly confronting him on his Maynardishness.
Is anyone here willing to try the technique on your Maynard and report back?
::raises hand:: I can be a Maynard if I’m nervous or my adrenaline is super high. I don’t even realize it, but all I need is a gentle reminder and all is well. Don’t think that’d work with a full-time Maynard, but it’s worth a shot.
A close friend of mine is totally a Maynard in this respect. I will try to interject a comment in one of her brief pauses, only to find myself being talked over on several occasions. As a subtle correction, I’ll wait silently until she’s done, continue being silent, and wait until she asks if I’m still there, then continue the conversation, starting with “I was waiting for you to be done/stop talking over me”.* Getting her off the phone, though, takes about five minutes and I frequently have to either hang up on her or start the motions a few minutes earlier than I know I’ll get off the phone. I’ve hung up on her a few times in the past; with a few common “dead zones” that I pass in the area, it’s entirely plausible that we got disconnected. 
At least she gets to the point, unlike my MIL, whose storytelling method is to give you completely unrelated details and go off on tangents for five minutes before she tells you the actual premise of the story she wanted to tell. It’s frustrating because the tangents are distracting and I have a difficult time figuring out why she’s going on in such detail about someone who’s either a stranger or an acquaintance to me. It’s not uncommon for me to interject with “so, what happened?” or “why do we need to know this for the story?” as a guide to tell her to get on with the actual essence of the story.
*I do this for in-person conversations with people who talk over me, but they get The Look[sup]TM[/sup] while I wait for them to finish. It’s a non-subtle way for me to express my disdain at being ignored in the conversation, and something I occasionally have to use on my husband when we engage in conversations among his family-- they’re noted “talk over each other” types.
My younger sister drones on like that. Lately she has kicked it up a notch, and has begun telling people about themselves, and even inventing opinions for them.
Mom related to me that she was quite incensed with my sister. While out for coffee together, mom expressed her drink selection to the waitress. My sister then countermanded that: “No, she wants a <something else>.”
Mom is hale and hearty and of sound mind. She looks younger than her age.
Lest you think she just had some concerns about mom’s dietary health, I’ll give you another anecdote that demonstrates her particular view of reality.
The three of us were driving together, and conversation came around to my cats. Mom said, “I love your kitties, but they trigger my allergies”. From the back seat, sister pipes up: “Mom, you are NOT allergic to cats.”
How do you deal with a person like that?
My wife is a Maynard. Imagine my hell. She’s only gotten worse over the years. She has 5 sisters who can all do a number on your ears. Predictably, most of the men in the family are soft-spoken.
I’m not a particularly tolerant person, but over the years I’ve mellowed and she got upset when somebody told her that they used her name like you used Maynard’s. She got upset, but me pointing out that I could relate to the other person didn’t help matters. I should have had her back but sometimes I can’t help it. When she gets going she drives me up the wall.
That being said, it doesn’t mean she’s incapable of listening–she’s actually a very good conversationalist, but a bunch of drinks go in and whoa, Nellie.
Quite often there’s no solution outside of being an abrupt asshole. When my wife sees my body language, it only makes her speak more. I can’t win.
Aurally assaulted. I like that. Ear bashing should almost be a crime.
First the tennis ball, then the duct tape.
1a. “I can speak for myself, thank you.”
1b. “Please stop putting words into my mouth”
1c. “I’ll form my own opinions, thank you”
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“If you don’t knock this shit off, I’m going to have to stop being around you.”
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“No really, I don’t want you in my life anymore, FOAD”
I think '“Maynards” are more thick-skulled, than thick-skinned.
“Gosh, I guess it’s time to take you for your hearing check again. I DID say what was it I wanted, but apparently you’ve got hearing problems. Or is it comprehension? Are you more senile than your mother, Mom?”
Adapted to the specific person, of course. Anything less than a clear insult doesn’t work, at least with my mother.
I had a Maynard at work. And like the others, we adopted the equivalent term to being Maynarded.
Fortunately, I was last in a long row of cubicles, so he always trapped someone else first. I took this as an opportunity for a long coffee break. It worked pretty well, but I had to time it just right, and sneak away just as I sensed he was finishing up with the other person. Occasionally I would come back and bam… 10 seconds later he’s standing in front of my cube entrance.
He tended to stand at the cube entrance with an arm on one side and his body nearly blocking the other. Once, I had been Maynarded for at least 20 minutes when noon rolled around. I told him I was leaving for lunch now, but he didn’t move or even slow down. So I just squeezed on through, gently pushing him out of the way. He turned and followed me to the cafeteria without a single break.
I live with one Maynardette, and my mother is another. A few weeks ago we all spent a weekend together; I had to shut myself in a dark, silent room for a day afterwards.
What really sucks about it is that I’ve spent so much time talking to them that I now start interrupting and talking over other people too, because at either my house or my parents’, that’s the only way of getting a word in edgeways.
I just have to make sure I have a cup of tea and a book before phoning my Mum, and hope my Dad picks up first so I can chat with him before my ear gets talked off.
Incidently, don’t try:
with my house Maynardette, she’s also got synesthesia, and she can 
Perhaps we could all exchange our Maynards. 
I mean, save up money and tell my Maynard he is going to the USA for a while, and, in fairness, I have to accept an exported Maynard in Scotland for a while, and all you USA people should swap Maynards among very distant states
No, it’s not a terrific idea, but on the theory that a change is as good as a rest, we all get to have different Maynards for a while.
AND, sometimes they might get lost in transit, you know. Because of not stopping to listen to the travel instructions. And that would be terribly sad, obviously. 