A dear friend who won't shut up...

In My Humble Opinion
1

Dopers, I need some constructive advice for handling (or not handling) a situation with a dear friend of mine. She is lovely, thoughtful, smart and funny, but good grief, talks the hind leg off a rhino. I’ll call her Marlo.

Having a conversation with her - particularly on the phone - can be very difficult because it tends to be a monologue on her part. Often analysing the same issues multiple times in a ‘thinking out loud’ style. Face-to-face is a little easier but still I often have to fight to get a word in edgeways.

Marlo has a problem with her mother calling her and ranting about the problem du jour without asking her how she is. The difficult part of hearing about this is that Marlo herself often puts others in this situation. A recent example would be when I called her after getting back from a trip. We spent an hour on the phone (my contributions were uh-huh, mmm, really?) as she dissected a work situation in detail. Strangely, attempts to empathise with her can often end in a rebuttal rather than a two-way dialogue. After an hour, I was bored to death and very irritated.

Two days later, she called our mutual best friend and had a reasonable facsimile of the conversation she’d had with me. Same issues, same manner, same long-drawn out monologue. I received a call from Marlo on my mobile the next afternoon at work, asking if I could come over and hang out. She apologised for ranting and wanted to know how my trip had been. Frankly by that stage, I had no desire to talk about the trip with her and put off spending time together.

This pattern has been going on for fourteen years, as long as I’ve known her. It isn’t constant, but it is probably the trend of about 70% of our phone calls and 40% of our face-to-face interactions. The rest of the time, she is an incredible, insightful listener (I know, it seems so incongruous), hilarious, down-to-earth and has a huge heart. She can be searingly honest and vulnerable. At the end of a huge talking session, she will often apologise for ranting and ask how things are.

What is the best way for me to approach her about having a dialogue as opposed to listening to her monologues? I am very shy about approaching these things and it has been going on for so long that I feel I need some advice.

2

I knew of an educator who used an hourglass shaped three minute egg timer to stop conversation monopolizers. Every time she turned the timer upright, the next person could contribute their three minutes to the conversation.
If I had a friend like this, and she was not defensive or in denial about her own problem, I might suggest the egg timer method, at least until the give and take habit took effect.

3

My little sister is like this too.

I love my sister but I rarely call her because she just talks at me with no pause, usually about some problem at work or issues in her life.

I once decided to see how long she would talk for without me saying anything or making any noise at all, and it was about 45 minutes before she indicated she was looking for a verbal response. For all she knew the line could have been cut off. Sometimes I’ll leave the landline down and go and make a cup of coffee and come back and she doesn’t notice.

However, because she’s my little sister, I can interrupt her with stuff like “you talk too much” and “you’ve got to let me talk too”, “ask me how I am”, and the big one “I’ve got to go now”, which is the only way these monologues end.

Really, I don’t see any other way other way than being honest - with kindness - or just accepting it as part of her character and enduring it.

4

Florez, that is fascinating. She is the only person I know who might actually be OK with using a tool like that to get the hang of back and forth conversation.

Jjim, you have described exactly what it is like. Maybe people who do this and are aware of it - i.e. have had it brought to their attention but continue the behaviour - just don’t want to change. I hope that isn’t the case.

I think of all the lost opportunities and connections with others that this habit creates and feel quite sorry for them. Until I get the next call!

5

Why not bring it up when she apologizes for it and see if she just wants you to say something sooner in the conversation? If she’s apologizing, that implies she’s aware of the problem and might just need a gentle reminder that she’s doing it before she really gains steam.

6

I’ve chosen the latter. I have a friend like this. He phones me about once a month, and yaks nonstop. He also can’t stick to a topic, so the anecdotes all get begun…but never finished. The topic jackrabbits all over. Very disconnected.

But…because I like him (although I often ask myself why) I put up with it for half an hour, and then, as politely as possible, end the conversation (monologue!) Half an hour a month, to make an old chum feel good? Small price to pay.

The idea of trying to convey my impressions, my viewpoint, my (minor) discomfort, seems hopeless. He wouldn’t get it. He’d just stop calling me altogether. That isn’t the solution. I think there isn’t any solution. So…

7

What is a good way to interrupt and point it out? Some examples would be much appreciated.

8

Chances are, she’s one of those people who likes to talk out her issues but doesn’t want to talk to herself (like using a tape recorder or writing it down) so the nearest set of ears gets the priveledge.

Like when you agree and she contradicts you, that gives her a chance to play devil’s advocate with herself and look at the issue from the other side.

At least she feels a little sheepish about it when she’s done, because the talk-your-head-off-then-keep-talking-down-your-neck people I’ve encountered aren’t so nice :smiley:

At any rate, I don’t know if you’ll manage to break her of the habit since she’s been doing it for at least 14 years (I’m sure you’re not her first set of sacrificial eardrums), but at least in these days of caller ID you at least get advance warning :wink:

9

I also have one of these. She calls me 3 - 4 times a week during her lunch. On the occasion she has called when the rest of the family is home, my SO said “my god you haven’t said so much as a word in 30 minutes!” It’s typical for my end of the conversation to be “Uh huh” “Mmmm” or “ahhh, wha-”. Sometimes she tells me the same story because she apparently does this to more than one person. If I get started on her, I’ll get myself worked up into pointing out every character flaw she has.

Sorry I don’t have much advice, because my method of dealing with it is to understand that it isn’t personal, she isn’t going to change and that if I’m looking for good back-and-forth conversation it isn’t going to be with her. And that’s OK. I have other friends with whom I can have more regular give and take conversations.

You may wonder why I subject myself to these monologues and I have asked myself the same thing. I guess it boils down to (1) I can call her and say “I need to vent, you sit and listen” and she will, and (2) she really is the person that I could call and say “Please come help me bury this body*” and she would.

*IANAM - I am not a murderer. I am not your murderer. I am not licensed to murder in your state, or any other state. I have not done, nor do I ever plan to do anything that would produce a body.

10

Trinopus, that’s where I’ve been for the last fourteen years, enduring it to make them feel better. But the more I think about it, the more I realise I’m doing us both a disservice. I would be mortified if I was doing it, so I am being disingenuous by enabling her behaviour.

11

I suppose I wish she was one of the people I can have the regular give and take conversations with. I am certain she has lost friends because of this, or at least lost the opportunity to make friends.

ugly ripe tomato, amazing insight right there with the rebuttals and devil’s advocate.

I am still laughing from ShelliBean’s disclaimer!

12

See, this is where you and I differ. In my case, I think of it like this: she’s 45 years old. She’s a grown competent adult that does with with other people as well as me. It’s not my job to fix her. Hell, in her mind she’s not broken! Your friend may very well want to break that habit and if that is the case then you are being great to try to help. But if she bristles, I would drop it. My job isn’t to fix my friend, it’s my job to just be her friend.

13

You’re right, my primary job is to be her friend, not to fix her. If she doesn’t want to change it then I will need to set some boundaries to avoid feeling so drained after a monologue. I think she does want to break the habit, primarily because her mother doing it bugs her so much and hurts her feelings. She apologises after particularly long rants and occasionally makes fun of herself for doing it, so there’s a glimmer of self-awareness there.

14

I knew someone like that. Haven’t talked to him in 30 years and wouldn’t talk to him again even at gumpoint. I don’t understand how he could breathe.

15

Me too! ShelliBean’s story sounds very, very similar to mine… And her approach is the same as mine, also. As much as possible, we accept our friends as they are. Any attempt to change them will likely only antagonize them…

The scary case is where your friend asks you for advice! “Do you think I talk too much?” There, you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t! You want to be honest, but you don’t want to say anything hurtful. That calls for all the diplomacy you have in your soul!

I have ex-friends whom I had to cut off contact with entirely. One guy was just nasty and hurtful. I begged him to stop talking to me that way, but he simply couldn’t. So…with the greatest sadness…I lit a candle to his memory, and no longer accepted his calls. I told him so, and why. “Your conversation hurts me. Please don’t call me again.”

Well, there’s an opening! If you really feel that an intervention is a good idea – and you would certainly know this more than we would – then wait for the next time she says this, and, quietly, politely, patiently, with all the love and kindness you can muster, engage with it. I use hesitation and diffidence as a means of softening hurtful truths…

“Well… Ya know… It’s funny you said that… Um… I was just noticing that I’ve mostly been listening… It isn’t that I don’t care… But… You’ve sort of been monologuing… I love you like a sister… You know that… But take a breath now and then… Can I tell you a funny story that happened to me yesterday at the supermarket?”

Go gingerly. It’s like walking through a minefield… This is dangerously close to amateur psychoanalysis!

16

Speaking of amateur psychoanalysis, I wonder if this kind of thing is typical of bipolar disorder. I could see someone calling up friends and talking their ears off during a manic phase, then being embarrassed about it afterward.

I like the suggestion of asking her “well, how would you like me to respond next time you do that?” The egg timer suggestion is good. Personally I’d probably set a twenty minute time limit on any calls like that, then have to go.

17

Yeah, my youngest sister is like this too, and the only solution I can find is to tolerate it. I made one exception – once she and I and my uncle were in an ER waiting room after my aunt had a heart attack, and my sister just wouldn’t stop chattering, Eventually I asked her to get a drink with me and told her she had to shut up for a while as she was driving our uncle nuts. She might have been, I’m not sure, but she was sure driving me nuts. Yeah, it was cowardly, but it worked.

18

My MIL and, consequently, my SILs have this issue. It drives my husband nuts, so much so that he’ll get angry at her because he still cannot wrap it around his head that it’s not him, it’s HER. He’ll even put down the phone and do something else and she’ll keep talking.

I have an aunt who used to do the same. My mother avoided her for years because she took it as a personal offense.

As somebody said upthread, there are some people who have to verbalize EVERYTHING. I think there’s also a touch of anxiety involved (in my aunt’s case, she was a bit of a hypochondriac in her prime, so everybody HAD to know about every little ache and pain), as well as a fear of being totally alone: If you keep talking, somebody has to listen. If somebody is listening, you’re not alone.

19

Spearmint?

20

Mom… Mom, I was talking… Mom… MOM! FUCKITWOMANIFYOUCANTLISTENTOAWORDISAYIDONTKNOWWHYDOYOUASKABOUTMYLIFE!

And then we proceed to ignore her and have actual conversations with whichever sibiling is handy, rathern than monologues with her. Note that we only do it when there’s something such as, oh, a 5yo son having major surgery, one of us having just gotten fired, the boss of another one having been unexpected and suddenly fired (which leaves the team completely a-shambles)… most of the time we just shut up and roll our eyes. We’re conscious that she has zero interest in us as human beings.
Best way to get my mother to shut up is, when she’s complaining about her mother, point out something in which they have exactly the same behavior. Goes off in a huff, slams a few items, but shuts the blessed fuck up.