Your communications tactic when dialogue is called for but the other person holds a monologue?

In My Humble Opinion
1

As being good with communication involves not only communicating correctly yourself but even more importantly dealing well with others refusing to communicate, I am looking for solutions to situations I deal with badly at present.

One thing that happens to me frequently is the interlocutor who does not realise that having a conversation involves shutting up, and listening, part of the time.

Now in a purely social situation I am reasonably cool with that - I lean back and let the bore ramble on. In one ear, out the other.

But there are cases where there is a real issue (say a technical issue in the workplace), where my advice is sought and the problem can, and should, be quickly resolved in a dialogue. Only, the other person does not permit a dialogue but talks on, and on, and on.
Example: how the conversation could ideally go:
tschild, I need you to tell me how to set the address switches on this module.
What’s the module’s address in the PLC program?
10
Is that decimal or octal 10?
Decimal.
‘Mouse piano’ or rotary?
‘Mouse piano’.
Is the DIP switch black or red?
Black.
Is the large connector facing to you or away from you?
To me.
You need to turn the the module to have it face away from you.
Done.
Set the switches to OFF-ON-OFF-ON-OFF-OFF (left to right) - look at the writing on the switch body, not at the orientation of the switches themselves.
Thanks.
Example: how the ‘conversation’ really goes: (exaggerated a bit, but noch much)
tschild, I need you to tell me how to set the address switches on this module. What’s…* I am really stumped - does anyone really need how to set them? It must depend on the addressing in the PLC but otherwise I don’t know anything - there are these DIP switches - perhaps they are binary coded, perhaps one out of eight?* They are… Anyway, knowing how they are coded doesn’t get me there either - there sometimes are black switches, sometimes red ones - perhaps it makes a difference, perhaps not. Also sometimes they seem to be soldered the wrong way on the PCB - perhaps it makes a difference, perhaps not. I wish anyone could tell me how to set them. Oh well, as you seem to be ignorant of it yourself I’ll have to tell the boss we cannot fix it. Say, why are you scowling and gnashing your teeth? It does not become you.
So, is there any tactic to steer such a conversation to be more productive?

2

Is this face-to-face or telephonic?

If the former, I’d give some non-verbal sign, even something as dramatic as holding up my hands or waving them in front of my face whilst stepping backward - some sort of indication that I’m being overwhelmed by the verbal barrage.

On the telephone? No idea… which is one reason why I avoid using it.

Grim

3

Face to face, usually. Gestures are a good idea but for some people you’d need to shoot up flares to get their attention which is a bad idea indoors.

4

In the workplace, my solution has been to give up and let ignorance slowly bring the company to its knees.

In my personal life, my solution has been to leave and begin divorce proceedings.

Overall, I just talk to myself and rarely interrupt.

5

“Mouse Piano” … :cool:

Took me a while to figure out what that meant. Must be a German thing.

I usually am quite direct. “Hold on a minute. Can I get a word in here?”

In your situation I would probably say “Hold on! Let me talk for a second. Do you want an answer? Then let me ask a few questions.”
This works fine if it is a peer or relatively a social equal (e.g. some vendor tech who I am talking with).

Sucks when the person is a few notches up the food chain, either in business or socially. I don’t know how to deal with those.

You know the type… even when you finally have the chance to talk, you can see in their eyes that they are simply using the time to think about what they will say when you shut up.

6

I do telephone tech support.

The absolute WORST CUSTOMERS EVER are the people who think they know what they’re doing and are busy doing it, giving you a never ending monologue about what they are doing without EVER stopping to ask you or do what you ask them to do. Seriously, what the fuck are they even calling someone else? Because they’re afaid to sound insane by rambling on and on like that without someone else in the room? I used to struggle with these people, but now as a Tier 2 tech support person, I’m allowed to be slightly less than pleasant when the situation calls for it. Now I just tell them straight out that since they obviously have it in hand and are not looking for my input, I’m ending the call. If they object, I point out that they are not listening to anything I say or doing anything I ask, so they can either start doing so, or we’re done. And that is the last warning they get. After that, I tell them straight out that they appear to not want my help and…click. Thankfully, I’ve been doing this job for two years and have only had two individuals who did not get the clue. Most people are bright enough to grok that they’re wasting your time after the first warning.

In my personal life, I had people in my past who would ramble on and on without listening to a fucking word I said, and those people are no longer in my life. I have no issue at all with a friend who just needs to unload and needs an ear every once in a great while, but the constant monologue with clearly NO interest in listening to me is a relationship killer.

As for bosses who do this, sometimes you just gotta endure it.

7

Sometimes you just have to be direct with people.

"You seem to be asking me a question. That implies allowing me to answer.

8

You could try using the person’s name. “Jim. Jim. Jim. Slow down…”

9

Some people have grown used to bad communication style by being around others with bad habits. If nobody listens to you anyway, you get used to rambling, or to cutting others off, or not listening, but thinking of a reply. And some people have psychological problems where other people are not important enough to listen to. While good communication habits can be learned, not many people want to learn something new, let alone accep that they are doing sth. wrong.

Moreover, communication style is an unconscious habit, that is, people are not aware of their style, they assume it’s the normal, correct way to talk (except for insecure or very introspective people who know of their bad habits and try to correct them).

However, Deborah Tannen, noted socio-linguist, explained two different styles that often (not always) break down along gender-lines and between cultures:
style A (“male” or direct) is where a person is only interested in relaying factual information. Short, precise questions, short factual answers, nothing personal, nothing inter-textual.
style B (“female” or indirect) is when a person considers communication a social lubricant. Talking to somebody is not only about exchanging information, it’s about assurance, comfort, empathy, sharing emotions.
A typical example is a woman telling a bunch of problems she has, and the man trying to come up with a solution, at which the woman gets angry. She feels as if he thinks she’s too dumb to solve the problem, or too factual. She wants to be comforted first, and try and figure out the solution herself later, maybe. (It’s emotionally easier to try and deflect her feelings by concentrating on the factual content and looking for a solution than just sitting still and letting things sink in. That’s why you often hear grieving people say that they want somebody to listen to them, not to mouth platitudes. See the famous Momo quote about how difficult real listenening is).

For people with style B, a pause is uncomfortable. Silence means that the other is angry or sulking. So some people (typically older women) will chatter on endlessly, expecting you to break in when you want to say sth. If they start repeating themselves, that’s their signal that they are finished, but they would feel uncomfortable if a silence spread. As long as both speakers are from this culture, or know that interrupting is allowed, this works. Only if the other speaker - you in this case - waits for the speaker to finish, is this a problem.

So you might try simply interrupting.

Also - if your coworker is male in an IT enviroment - well, it’s a clichee, but maybe he’s lonely? Many lonely people develop the habit of talking to themselves thinking out loud, because humans have a deep need for company and to be accepted. If the whole day you have nobody to really talk to because nobody at works cares enough or likes you enough to listen, you might start to develop rambling tendencies when you do get the chance at a conversation (although of course this type of behaviour drives people away further, a vicious cycle).

10

Have you actually tried to say something, and they keep going over you? Because I find that most serial talkers are only talking to fill the silence, and will shut up if you actually say something. As for when to say something–people can’t talk without breathing, so talk when they take a breath.

And if you’re smart, apologize for interrupting. I know so many people seem to have this thing where they can’t say they’re sorry unless they really are, but it’s a pretty useful social lubricant. Just say, “Sorry to interrupt, but I think there’s something I can tell you that will help.” If they keep on talking after that, then they didn’t want help in the first place.

ETA: And while I would think this should be left unsaid, but I’ll cover it: it’s okay if they want to finish a sentence. They don’t have to be perfectly silent. But they should shut up within a few words, and then go into “listening mode” as I call it, where all you are saying is stuff to communicate that you are listening.

11

You clearly need to assert yourself more. Interrupt saying, “I can help you.” If that fails, hit them over the head with the “mouse piano.”

12

The monologuers don’t hear you unless you really insert yourself though. IME repeating their name, as ZenBeam said (only you don’t even need to raise your voice) will eventually get through the wall of noise.

Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.
Uh? What?
There is something I would like to tell you but you need to let me. If you’re not going to let me, don’t come and complain I never tell you anything. May I speak?

13

I agree that you have to be direct with people, say their name, tell them to stop talking for a second. But you can help them save face by making a bit of a joke about it, or at least smiling to show you are not angry.

That sounds odd, but it has worked for me. Be direct, but signal that you are not upset. Be friendly and cheerful, but take control of the conversation.

“OK, stop. Lets start at the beginning. Step one is…”
“Now, step two…”

If they go off on a tangent, bring it back to the last step.

I know it sounds infantile, but sometimes you just need to do it. It’s like training a dog.

14

Wow. What company do you work for? Are these customers or other employees you’re hanging up on?

15

Just start talking and keep talking even if he doesn’t shut up. At some point he’ll say “what?”, and you get the dubious privilege of repeating yourself, but at least he’s listening.

16

Yeah, that’s what I came in here to say. Let him ramble on - he has to stop at some point - and when he’s done, it’s your turn. Then you say what you need to say, without pausing, whether he interrupts or not. I’ve been in situations where the two of us are talking at the same time for probably a full minute or so, because I would not pause when I was interrupted.

Then, when he says ‘what?’, you do it again.

mmm

17

“Stop talking, please. Take your hands off the mouse and the keyboard. Will you look at me, please, so I know you’re listening? Thanks. Okay… first thing you can do to solve your problem is XYZ…”

18

I had a very strange experience a little while ago in one of my grad school classes. Class hadn’t started yet and I was in my seat and reading a book, when the young woman in front of me turned around and started talking to me about her work on our big class project. She told me a bit about it, and when I started to ask her a question about her work, she kept right on talking. She paused again to take a breath, I started to ask her another question, and she talked right over me again. I had never seen anything like this before – all the self-centered people I know would be happy that you were expressing interest in them and would be happy to answer your questions. This woman was like a TV that was turned on and facing my direction – one-way communication only.

So I did a very rude thing: I abruptly stopped looking at her and picked up my book and continued reading. She turned to the person next to her and started talking to him, not going back to the beginning of her story but continuing right where she left off. It was the strangest thing.

19

There’s a girl in my dance class who does this. She’ll start out working out with the rest of the class. Five minutes later, whooops! Shiny Ball! Off she goes to talk the ear off anyone who isn’t already actively ignoring her. She’ll wander around, play on all the different apparatus, return to class for 2.345 minutes, spot another shiny ball… incessantly babbling the entire time. I have resorted to boldly and rudely interrupting her and turning my back to her to speak to someone else. She’ll just turn and find someone who is looking in her general direction and keep right on talking.

I had a friend like this too. She’d finish a story and then launch right back into it and tell you the exact same story again. Right after she finished telling you the first time. I’d say, “You told me that.” She’d go, “Yeah, I know.” And keep right on talking. No change of subject. No acknowledgment that she realizes she’s compulsively repeating herself. She was super nice, too. I had to stop being friends with her because I couldn’t think of any nice ways to ask her to shut the fuck up. Everything I could think of would have hurt her feelings. She’s probably been shut down so many times, she feels compelled to just blurt everything out before she loses her audience.

I can’t decide if this verbal diarrhea thing is from extremely low self esteem, ADHD, or some form of Aspberger’s. Or perhaps a combination of all of the above.

20

This is definitely true of some people. I’ve overcome this difference in communication styles (I’m an A style person) by asking outright “do you want me to just listen or would you like me to offer a solution?” It works well and you find out exactly what is expected of you. You can then respond appropriately.

To the OP I think all of the above advice is good. All you can really do is try different things and see if they work. What works for one person may not work for another so just keep a repertoire of interruption techniques on hand.

As an aside, coping with style B is quite difficult on a message board. You feel you should post something if only so the OP knows people are out there listening/reading, but then you feel if you’re going to post something it should be something meaningful and so out comes advice when advice may not be wanted (I’m thinking of MPSMS type threads.)