Was she always like this? She’s not on stimulants like amphetamines?
No, to set up a test with meaningful results I’d have to talk to him or have his gums pointed at me again. I didn’t know you were from the south.
She has been like this as long as I’ve known her and she definitely isn’t on amphetamines. She is studying psychology (her mother is highly respected in this field) so it will be interesting to see how this trait impacts on her work in clinical psych, where listening skills are paramount.
Strangely, she was discussing a tutor who had ‘very poor communication skills’ the other day, owing to them rambling on and on in a class. Yikes!
I think I will approach it very delicately the next time it happens. I have brought it up once before but I’m not sure she remembers as we ended up getting very drunk that evening and were well on the way when I brought it up. She had dominated the conversation between three of us to the point that no-one else had literally said a word for almost half an hour. As the hostess it was excruciating. The two of us went to the bathroom together (as ladies are wont to do) and I asked if she was OK. She was surprised and said she was fine, why? I said I wondered if she was feeling anxious as she had been talking non-stop and I thought it might have been nervousness as she hadn’t spent much time with my other friend before. She took it really well and made an effort to tone it down, and subsequently we had a great evening. Mentioning it sober is another thing entirely though.
I think having a gentle word like Trinopus suggests will be my strategy. I really want whatever course I take to strengthen our friendship. She has said on numerous occasions that she always wants me to tell her anything that is on my mind, even if it might be hard to hear, but somehow I hadn’t thought about this habit in relation to it until now.
An aunt of mine abused her phone privileges in a similar fashion while I was growing up. My mom would make me call her sometimes… and since I was an introvert who preferred reading over listening to the ramblings of a lonely drunkard, those remain among the most tortuous memories of my childhood. Once I got my own cell phone, my aunt was never given the number. We’ve never talked over the phone since, and never will. She’s okay in person (for short visits, with a predetermined endpoint), but she can’t handle phone calls appropriately at all. If I were to meet another monopolizer like this, I would stop picking up the phone after the second occurrence. This is dealbreaker material for me.
So my advice? Stop talking to her on the phone. You can try the eggtimer thing for real-life conversations, if you don’t think it would be horribly offensive to her. I just can’t see how you’d pull it off without being offensive, though. The best solution? Let her gab to another gabber. They’d be perfect for each other. Both of them could just quack for a straight half-hour without listening to the person on the other end, then hang up simultaneously.
An important distinction to be made is whether you’re expected to listen. I have in mind two people, one a friend, the other a past housemate. They both chatter on endlessly, almost compulsively. The housemate, however, didn’t care whether I listened – she’d keep going even if I left, and was amazed, amused, and a little touched if I remembered any of it. It was like having the radio on in the background, even to her.
My friend, on the other hand, does her monologue out of anxiety and possibly ADD; she’s seeking validation for her uncertainties, decisions, emotions, and reactions, and is hurt if I am unable to respond because I’ve tuned her out. It was easier before I realized that her gratitude for good advice doesn’t mean she’ll take it – her anxiety frequently results in her waiting to do things until it’s too late, which is then a new source of anxiety. Now, engaging with her is just frustrating. Also, I’m highly introverted, and too much of her relentless emoting is oppressive.
Cinnamon. (Imagine I’ve got a Jamaican accent now.)
Interesting. I have a friend who sometimes calls me and she is willing to listen to me talk, but other times, she won’t let me even finish a sentence before interrupting. I wonder if she might be bipolar, as she has a mother and brother with bipolar disorder.
Hmm.
Ugh, my mother is another of these.
I think the call that really brought it home was when I went to Australia, I’d just got there, … It started with ‘Ooh, I’d better be quick, I bet this is expensive!’, but once I told her bought a phone card, and made the foolish mistake of telling her how cheap it was to use, she wittered for half an hour- I even timed it- before asking me how I was. The temptation to say I’d been arrested or hospitalised was almost unbearable…
Bear in mind I’d been backpacking through Borneo for the previous two weeks, and her witterage included how the neighbours’ dog’s arthritis was getting worse, and what flowers had opened in the garden in the last week. Utter drivel.
I endured a two hour call yesterday, she just got back from a month away and had to catch up. I wish I knew how to stop it too- I phone roughly weekly because I want to know some of the news, and I like talking to my Dad. I tend to just get a cup of tea and a book ready for when I call.
I was told by my friends, at some point in my life, that I was talking like a spring loaded toy every time I saw them. I realized, at the time, I was in a self-imposed asylum of sorts to get my work done because I was getting confused as to whether meeting friends and partying became more important than my work/pursuit. So I intentionally didn’t see much of them and in turn, they stopped calling me as much and so on.
So whenever I got to see them I had all these things I wanted to tell them and talk about in my head. They used to tease me that I should get out and see human beings more often. I don’t know whether this might be the case with your friend since as you said she’s been like this as long as you’ve known her… it could be an emotional thing as well, as some times you crave talking to friends, perhaps as an affirmation of your existence or some such needs.
This seems to be your ‘in’ if you aren’t comfortable bringing it up out of the blue. Next time she brings it up, be ready not to jump into reassuring her it was nothing, no worries etc and instead use it as your opportunity to discuss it. Way better than trying to do so when she’s in mid venting of spleen to you because she’s already showing herself to be in a self reflective state of mind. That she’s brought it up with you also might suggest that in calmer moments she realises she has this as a problem and,after possible hurt feelings have worn off, may welcome the help in supporting her to fix it.
FWIW, I’d try to be direct without being cruel. She’s your friend so your own judgement for the right words is best but maybe something like “I’m very glad you’ve brought this up, Marlo. I was very sympathetic about [your problem at work/whatever] but I didn’t ever get a chance to tell you! It made me feel powerless. I love you like a sister and yet this habit can make our time together draining.” The ideal response will be if she says she knows and is sorry. Iin which case you can gently move on to putting your heads together to come up with practical solutions to support her in making a few changes. Like an agreed hand gesture you can make as a warning she’s getting carried away or something.
If at all possible, though I stand by what I said about resisting the urge to agree it’s no big deal etc if she gets upset, I would try and present this as an unconscious bad habit to break rather than an aspect of who your friend is. Something like biting her nails or clicking her teeth with her nails. A) I think this is fair to do and B) it’s a lot less frightening to be told by your friends there’s something wrong with something you* do* rather than something you are.
Good luck! FWIW, this habit aside your friend sounds really lovely and I hope you make progress.
You could try interrupting by yelling, “my turn, my turn!”.
And after two minutes of you talking, you can say, “your turn”.
Keep this up for awhile and see if it works.
I think some people don’t realize they are doing this - sort of a stream of thought that turns into a flood of thought that turns into a tsunami of thoughts. They need a reminder to breathe and get a response.
At least it is a friend of yours.
We have a guy at work who used to be the director (but thankfully is no longer) who could talk, non-stop, for over an hour at meetings. People were nodding off and others were getting antsy and he never noticed. There was absolutely no way to shut him up and everyone dreaded his meetings.
I have such a good memory I can give you every detail of what I did and thought today and yesterday, but I live by the motto “The secret of being a bore is to tell every little detail.”
I would interupt with “Could you please get to the point?”
i have had a friend for about 17 years that NEVER shuts up. He will call and talk for 20 minutes without a pause, i don’t even say ah uh anymore. He is interesting but just goes on and on and on about nothing at times.He believes junk mail is real mail and airplanes and “people” watch him. he is harmless but just a bit off. I have always had a soft spot for him as something very tragic happen to his family.
i just plan my time with him as quiet time …i really don’t pay attention to it after all these years …but i accept him …in bits …
I encourage anyone who talks too much to take it to email.
Same here. I’ve had a couple of friends like that— never again. One had such an irresistible compulsion to talk, and no inner filter whatsoever, that if you’d get up and walk away she’d simply turn to whoever else was nearby and continue blabbing without a break. The sort of person who, on the rare occasions when they let you speak, is clearly not listening but instead thinking about what they’re going to say next.
No thanks. You need a mute sounding board for your endless indoor-outdoor monologue, get a goldfish. I only have a few decades of life left and can only waste so much of it.
If you are talking too much because it helps you to deal with anxiety to have a human connection, then email won’t help at all.
When I have something that I want to share, or just need to be talking to someone, email is worse than nothing at all. I might as well go read a book.
I have dropped one friend because she stopped taking my phone calls and always responded to me only by email. To me that was not a relationship. Maybe she didn’t want to listen to me on the phone (although I try very hard to live by “equal time” rules and listen to the other person’s stories). I’m sorry the friendship was lost, but if neither of us was getting anything out of it, it was best to let it go.
I used to have a friend like that. We had a falling out over a completely different issue, but I found that when she would prattle on like that I could get her to turn off her stream of words by having an “exciting” interruption that takes her completely off topic. For example, she was a big Harry Potter fan so if she were to call me today about ten minutes into her rant about how she can’t find a job and she doesn’t like ravioli and wouldn’t you know that the food pantry gave her three cans of it this week, etc. I would exclaim, “Oh my god, that reminds me about something I wanted to tell you! Have you seen the previews for the new Daniel Radcliffe movie The Woman in Black? It looks like it is going to be really good! I immediately thought of you when I saw the preview. Have you seen it yet?” This not only introduces a topic of conversation that interests both of us but also knocks her off track in her monologue of doom.
The most important part of this technique is that it has to be an exciting interruption. You can’t say, “Oh, by the way I wanted to ask you…” and expect them to stop. You have to say, “Holy crap, I can’t believe I forgot to ask you about…” It must seem much more important and exciting than the current topic, even if it is a fairly boring interruption, for this to work.
It is some kind of ‘problem’ in the person I think. This guy took no breaks between sentences or paused in any way in his narrative. He never asked a question or responded to physical cues. And to any interjection he would say, without breaking tempo, “Hold on I’m almost done”. But he wasn’t. He seemed to be reciting a history of events as he viewed them internally, without regard for the concept of any other input. I remember hearing him complain about me to someone else after I had blurted out “I know, I know” and walked away. I realized he was basically complaining that I didn’t want to stand there and listen to him run on again. Nobody else did either. When he wasn’t talking he was a good technician though, so he was kept around.
Now I may have enabled him. I will listen to anybody talk about anything for a while, and I may fake interest to avoid looking impolite. Sometimes someone who starts out boring gets more interesting over time. I may have lead him to believe I was once interested in his epic recounts, and marked myself as a target it his mind. I still do that with people, but I’ve never met anyone else like this guy. I wish we had cellphones back then. Mine would have been on vibrate, and I would have had to answer a call eveytime this guy started to talk.
I have a friend who natters on and also manages to be a very slow speaker. Her stories are punctuated with long pauses and “umms,” it’s very difficult to listen to for any length of time.*
Four of us had a little reunion just the other night and when she wouldn’t shut up I started to feel guilty about inviting her.
I don’t think it’s advisable to try to censure this behavior though, you pretty much have to take them as they are. When we’re in mixed company as we were the other night, I do my best to jump in and turn the conversation toward others so they have a chance to speak. I think that’s all you can do if you want to remain polite and friends.
*Her voicemails are comedy GOLD. Annoying in person but hilarious when I can make faces and say “get to the fucking point” aloud.
When The Matrix was released, she gave me an almost scene by scene summary that took over an hour, I practically could have watched the movie in the time it took her to “summarize” it. I actually refused to watch it for several years - that’s how annoying it was.
I had a friend like this. I finally just stopped hanging out with her because I couldn’t think of a nice way to ask her to STFU once in a while. I tried interrupting with, “You just told me that story 15 minutes ago.” She’d blink, say, “Yeah, I know, sorry,” and keep telling the same story. It was like she was Eric Cartman, who can’t hear the first line of “I’m sailing away” without singing the entire song. She couldn’t stop herself, even if you pointed it out gently. I just gave up and quit responding to invitations and quit taking her calls. I feel like an asshole for it too, because she was the only friend who came over and let my cry on her shoulder when my cat died. Nice woman. Bright, funny, fun to hang around with… until she won’t shut up.