I am posting from my office in the Tower of Endless Waiting, which, just from the very center of the Lake of Fire. I need fear no ice weasel here. That is what ice weasel and Lake of Fire mean.
Can you have Dr. Jack endorse my health care platform when I’m running for office? I mean, I assume he’s an MD - with an unusual degree of experience, at that! Plus, Americans trust British accents - they sound educated.
Sure, you can purchase my soul.
All I’ll require in return is $17 million, two succubi who look like Kyla Pratt, and a clause written into the contract that before your deadites can drag me to hell I get to challenge the Devil to Battleship, Clue, Electric Football, and Twister. I win, I get my freedom. Deal?
By the way, your shoelaces are totally untied, dude.
Succubi take on the appearance of whatever you want, so I’m not sure why you’d want one locked into a specific aspect. But that’s your problem.
As for board games: fuck that shit. He Who Shall Be Named has no intention of releasing you from being [del]fed to the hell-hounds[/del] [del]sapient cannonball duty[/del] the service required by your contract. That’s no way to run a railroad.
So in my quick skim of the thread it seems you don’t take Canadian Souls?
That’s rather disappointing, possibly even racist. I was looking forward to a variety of succubus, money, power, fame and an NHL career.
Can we still make a deal? I can throw in a couple of Snap On toolboxes if necessary.
This is LowerArchy. We INVENTED racism. I mean, you didn’t think it came from the Other Place, did you?
Of course it came from the other place, remember the Jews were the chosen people until they stuffed up, and God rejected them, so first he was racist against Gentiles and now Jews but that’s beside the point, I still want the previously mentioned things, otherwise I’ll have to make like Spawn and overthrow Hell.
The racist attitudes of the Other Place are, of course, the result of our infiltrating their ranks and corrupting their policies. I myself was not involved in that op but it is our fourth-greatest achievement.
Anyway, I am a little confused by your accusation of racism. How exactly are Canadians harmed by Old Scratch’s refusal to torture them for eternity or use them as cannon fodder during the coming war with the Metatron’s armies?
As for the Spawn issue: You seem to think that He Who Shan’t Be Named has never seen a movie or read a comic book.
Remember that “Best superhero to sleep with?” thread. I want my succubi to look like that please.
Aye, but what an aspect.
But if Big Red is really a Rhode Island Red, I suppose watching your master battling it out with Yah-Yah ain’t the worst entertainment the afterlife can offer. I hope the Montmartre has Grey Goose.
Er…yes. Yes, the Apocalypse will be fought mano a mano between the Boss and Josh Maryson. Damned souls will not be forced into service as cannon fodder. You have my word.
How interesting, what’re the top 3 achievements?
Canadians aren’t harmed at all of course, I just wanted the good stuff from soul selling, oh well I guess I’ll just have to watch the otherworldly battle from the sidelines and makes bets.
As for comics books, it’s in a comic book so it can’t be wrong. It’s inevitable that Spawn will take over.
The devil relies on geocities for recruitment? Make me an offer, I figure the dBase III database in which he records the sale will be long gone by the time I have to pony up.
Hey, Skald, you never answer my question from the first page.
No, I’m trying to sell my appendix, my soul currently being on loan to a *brujo *in western mexico. So, interested? Maybe trade it for a handjob from a sulfurwhore succubus?
In my wayward youth, I once took a bag of fun-size Snickers bars downtown and offered to trade people a fun-size Snickers for their immortal soul. I got about five takers, meaning that unless something happened to my own, I’m the proud owner of half a dozen souls, each of them mine. (Another friend of mine lost his nipples in a game of poker. That isn’t really relevant to the paragraph.)
So I’d be willing to sell one or two of my souls. Not the one I was born with, but the ones I bought. Consider that they were teenager souls, at least some of them probably virginal, and I haven’t used them at all since purchasing them.
My bid: I gain the power to, at will, make people’s noses start spinning when I look at them on TV. The spinning is painless and harmless, but it doesn’t affect their TV image: rather, it affects the person immediately wherever they are. (If they’re on live TV, of course, the TV image is affected). The spinning must be fast enough to create an audible buzzing, and if you allow me to determine the pitch of the buzz, I’ll throw in an extra soul.
Well, it’s not like he was using them.
Actually I have, three times. And thrice the hamsters have eaten it.
Neither we in the LowerArchy nor our hated opponents in the Other Place regard as valid any soul purchase when both buyer and seller are mortal. Thus any soul you or Left Hand of Dorkness snookered people out of still belongs to its original owner.
My Boss, of course, doesn’t really care what y’all do up there, so long as it’s evil. But I expect the Other Boss (whether wearing his creator, carpenter or ghost suit) would consider fraud in such a matter a damnable offense. This will of course have the amusing effect of causing both MIS and LHoD to be sent down here to the Pit without us having to do anything. 
In short, keep at it!
And I don’t drink. 
ETA: Yeah, it took me that long to come up with a response - you wanna make something of it?
Fraud?! Bah! It would only have been fraud if I’d represented myself as non-mortal, and believe me, that wasn’t in the Snickers. They knew what they were doing, and if your namby-pamby legal codes don’t apply here, then we don’t have a deal. I’ll keep my souls, all of 'em.