Here’s my problem. Anyone know a book (or term) to go with it?
Whenever I get something done, I have this reflex: “It wasn’t that hard, I should have done it better, and sooner”. Or: “Anyone could have done that, so I shouldn’t have had trouble with it, I’m So Intelligent after all”.
It don’t have the kind of inner critic that belittles me personally, I don’t tell myself I am ugly or a loser or anything like that. It is just about my efforts, which should always be better then they are.
I am a psychologist, but it took me 40 year to see it like that. All those years I thought my inner critic was right, was just telling an uncomfortable truth! Of course I could have worked harder, done more. Look what I accomplished when I finally stopped procrastinating the night before any exam and got to work. But hope sprang eternal, and I told myself that I would do better in the future.
Then a mid-life crisis set in, I had a kid, had no time anymore, and all I could do was half-assing everything even more then before and hoping to get by. Forced to admit that no, I am not going to live up to my potential anytime soon, I could either admit that maybe my standards are too high, or I could get out the mental whip and start flogging my self. Which is painful, and also, ew.
So, any how-to guides on this?
You might look into cognitive behavior therapy. It’s designed to do exactly what you want - shut up that inner critic. I’ve had a lot of success with it but of course, each of us is different.
Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy is, despite its dippy name, a well known book that gives a good explanation of what CBT is and practical ways you can implement it in your life. It’s a pretty easy read, too. It was first published in 1980 and it’s still relevant today.
You might also consider the books by Albert Ellis. Ellis did the initial work on which CBT was based.
A very simple and effective book for me: There is Nothing Wrong With You by Cheri Huber. It’s a quick read but for me it can really help turn my attitude around. Huber is a Zen teacher, so it definitely has a Buddhist orientation, but not explicitly so, just in terms of the ideas presented.
Good luck fighting your inner critic. It can be a lifelong battle.
ETA: Strongly second either David Burns or Ellis for CBT. Ellis is a little hardcore in his approach, though… maybe not what you’re looking for when you’re already feeling vulnerable to criticism.
Seconded. It’s not necessarily easy, but you can retrain your thoughts. I also recommend the “Feeling Good Handbook” to go along with it, but read the other book first so you can really understand what you’re doing.