Do you have any specific circumstances that make you grumpy that you could change? I had a job that I hated, and it seemed to use up all my patience, and I would get frustrated at little things outside of it. Once I found a better job, I was much better at handling everything else.
I’ll say this. If you are becoming a grouch with your SO, knock that shit off.
You think the things that your SO does makes you grouchy and you must comment about them?
Trust me, the person the receiving end probably hates it way more than you feel better by doing it.
My SO became my EX a bit over two years ago. For the first year I woke up thinking “thank god I don’t have listen to that crabby assed bitch any more”. The second year has only been the random but frequent “god she was a crabby assed bitch”. I figure year three will only be a reduction in frequency.
If I had a dollar for every time in the past decade that I thought “STFU, you crabby assed bitch” I’d be rich.
I used to think men traded in for a younger model because HAWT young thing sex or something. I now suspect its being tired of the crabby woman thing a good fraction of the time.
People aren’t going to change just because you’re grouchy. In fact you being grouchy probably makes them worse.
Look for the good things in life and look forward to those things.
Lower your expectations of people. Expect the worst and hope for the best.
Oh, I got rid of all that stuff long ago.
Is your mental model “They made me mad.” or “They annoyed me?”
Because they didn’t. Your annoyance, anger, whatever, are your reactions to their behavior. They don’t MAKE you feel anything. It can be damned hard not to react sometimes, but it is a good start to recognize that the emotion is generated in your head, not by emotion rays shooting out from the annoying person.
Once you get there, you can choose to laugh instead of getting angry or annoyed. Laugh at what an idiot that annoying person is. Laugh at how glad you are you don’t have to live with them. There was one time I was able to do this in what should have been an infuriating situation, and I was laughing so hard I had to sit down and clutch my stomach. Without a chair handy I might have literally been rolling on the floor. I haven’t manged to be too consistent with this, but when I can do it, boy does it ever help.
Right. I’m with you. Like I said, growing up I used to just roll with everything. At some point I had the lightbulb moment where I realized that no, I actually don’t have to put up with this shit. However, it seems I’ve overcorrected and it’s slowly getting worse. I need to find some middle ground.
I know you’re just screwing around, but it’s getting out of hand! It really is. I mean, it’s not like I’m actually getting angry and fuming, I’m just getting too irritated too often about crap that I know I can’t do anything about anyway.
Not exactly, dude. It’s more like, I expect people to know and follow the rules of a four-way-stop, yet half the time around here it’s a complete circus, and I’m frustrated because they SHOULD be doing it the right way and they aren’t. WHY GOD WHY. Same goes for my wife loading the dishwasher with things that don’t go in the dishwasher, or my coworkers not cleaning up their own filth, or whatever. I get more frustrated than I should about things not going like they should.
I’ve been thinking about that. Television isn’t really an issue because of what and when we watch, but the internet…yeah…
Thanks for all the suggestions! I’ll figure it out. Could be the job. Could be my two boys (one and three) wearing us down at home. Could just be my sunny disposition.
Yep. The rare times that I run out I notice little shit really grates.
^ Agree. I used to be a news-junkie, but found myself being very irritable and possibly depressed. I stopped following the news and within a week felt much better.
Also, when you feel yourself getting frustrated with someone, ask yourself why you are letting that person manipulate you like that. If it is a situation rather than a person, ask the same question “why am I letting this situation manipulate me like this?”. You’ll probably never see that person or be in that exact situation ever again, so let it go.
I looked at the first dozen replies to this thread last night and found myself getting really irritated, so I left. But I thought about it overnight, because this is an issue that I share and have been working on.
If I break it down, here’s my thoughts on how to tackle it. Take a look at your life. What are the factors that might be causing increased stress right now? My experience is that increased stress is what leads to the irritability. Those factors could be anything from not enough sleep, busy season at work, young kids, bills, poor health, hate your job, car broke down, dog is sick, tree fell over, news sucks, you HATE national elections. Take a look at all of it. Break it it into things you can handle and things that are external.
Next step, make a plan. Things you can handle, start planning how to handle them. You hate your job? Is the fix a new job, or working with your manager to restructure or ?? Can’t stand the Election? Turn off the news and stop reading that Forum. Sniping at the wife? Maybe the fix is a date night, or maybe it’s one Saturday with the boys away from the family. Offer the same thing to her. Work your way down your list, and start planning it out. I find that just having the list, and making the plan, helps me immensely.
Things you can’t handle. I think this is where most people jumped to immediately. This one is harder. Because you can’t control the dumbasses at 4-way who don’t stop, and it is frustrating. call them an idiot. Explain to your kids why they were unsafe, and move on. Meaning I think it’s ok to be frustrated sometimes. Cut yourself some slack. If you’d like to work on getting more zen about it, There are a lot of books on meditation. “Mindfulness” is the current movement. My husband and a lot people seem very happy with their results. You might want to check it out.
Good luck.
Complaining is going to put you in a negative mindset and you are going to be crabby. My husband complains about everything and I’m to the point I avoid talking with him because I’m not a complainer.
There are times I feel crabby too. So I think of happy things, keep photos on the fridge that make me smile, sing or hum a song to myself, to name a few things. If you start with a smile, you’ll find your spirits start to lift. Try it.
And to keep calm when you are driving, try an audiobook to listen to on your commutes. They help me loads when I’m having a bad day.
If you do find something that helps you, I hope you share it back here for others.
Good luck!
I LOVE this strategy. Seriously. You have no idea. 
Thanks for sharing!
Because there probably is no percentage in it. If a behavior is causing you stress, then it should be adjusted. The fact that the OP asks a question is enough in itself, to at least question said behavior.
Just because it may make you feel better is no reason. I feel a lot better when I eat cake with ice cream and whipped topping, but I can assure you I am a lot worse off for it.
If you want to be grouchy and you’re getting an actual benefit from it, not a perceived benefit (as my food example), then fair enough, but as my mother said, “if you’re not happy you better learn to be and be quick about it. These are not the best years of your life, they’re the last years.”
See userid.
How long do you expect to live?
How much of that time do you want to spend being miserable (and, as added bonus: making all around you ALSO miserable)?
Gottit?
Good.
Now, save your ire for things you can do something about.
How is your life going in general? Are you redirecting anger and frustration about real problems against the guy who’s driving too slowly in front of you?
I’d ask myself “Why do I even care ?!”.
Because yes, those things seem pretty trivial and being irritated by them, hell even just *noticing *them kinda blows my mind. Crank the music one notch louder, have a smoke and keep thinking your (much more) interesting thoughts. Don’t let yourself get interrupted by the meaningless and the mundane.
Not caring one bit is the best cure for stress. Repeat after me : “Eh, fuck it, who gives a shit ?”
Shockingly, it turns out we’re ALL just grievously flawed human beings, stumbling our way forward, entirely unaware of the annoyance our most trivial behaviours cause those around us. You. Me. Eeryone.
The guy that just saved that puppy from a burning house? Parks like an asshole! That kid that scored the division winning game with a great play? Screws up every four way stop! No matter our virtues, on other fronts, we’re all just people.
And people, no matter how much you dream of a day when they won’t, will continue to stop suddenly on the sidewalk, block the grocery aisle, and leave their cart inconveniently abandoned in the parking lot!
In fact, let’s talk about parking lots for a moment! They are often not so well designed. They are frequently hot beds of activity, people coming and going, groceries and families in tow. Most busily talking to each other, concentrating on shopping or the next thing on the to do list. Think of all the times your temper has risen in a parking lot. One guy is pushing his cart so far out in the lane way you have to wait because you can’t get by. Another lady is wrangling three kids, all moving erratically around her car and cart, while you’re trying to park beside. You turn dowm this lane and someone pulls in/out somewhat unexpectedly and you brake suddenly. Etc, etc, etc, on endlessly. You can see why so many people are indeed frustrated by parking lot experiences. Tight space, too many cars, carts, people in motion, unpredictable movements, no wonder it puts people on edge.
Now think about how many parking lots you’ve successfully navigated in your average week, month year. For all the frustrating moments, how many times did disaster really strike? How many kids, carts, cars did you actually hit? None, right? Because, while we all share the same frustrating experiences in them, they actually do work. That no one gets hit, means that everyone is doing as they should, going appropriate speeds, being vigilant in watching out for the unexpected, etc.
I’m not trying to say you shouldn’t let these things annoy you, you’re only human after all! But these should be minor annoyances you can brush off as people just being people. Firm in the knowledge that while you never do THAT, there are no doubt other things you unthinkingly do that must surely annoy others to some extent. That you are completely, blissfully unaware of. It’s much easier to tolerate others when you recognize you’re no better, we’re all just human and we all have some pretty annoying behaviours.
Another thing to keep in mind is that the muscle you use is the one that grows stronger. You keep exercising that grumpy muscle and soon it will be your only strength!
The last thing to remember is that everything you’re ever going to be, you’re currently in the process of becoming. If you’re aiming to be the biggest, nastiest grouch that ever walked the earth then, by all means, keep it up. If that’s not what you’re aiming to become maybe step back and reconsider what’s practicing this behaviour will turn you into.
After all, the challenge is not in identifying shortcomings in others, that’s childishly simple. Better to identify a single shortcoming in yourself, then a thousand in others. We are tireless lawyers in defence of our own flaws and heartless judges when it comes to the flaws in others.
I found myself getting angry about politics and the general state of the world. I had always been very tuned-in and politically active, but I realized it was making me unhappy. I disengaged and spent more time on quality of life things, keeping fit, home projects, reading. I decided the world had already been delivered to hell In a hand basket, so I have been trying to make the best situation for myself and my family.
Reading that paragraph I realized how many times I used “I.” Maybe selfishness is my solution.
Great thread, Dopers! Here is my two cents’ worth. Due to my family background, which has included immediate family members’ suicides, chronic illness & the early death of my mother and sister (Type I diabetes), an angry and controlling father, etc. etc. etc. – I became depressed. Another issue was always being criticized by other family members. I was never “good enough.” Soooooo, what happened to me? I became incredibly critical of myself, and incredibly self-pitying. I lashed out or cried all the time. But I knew things had to change, and they did. I decided to divorce my spouse and started getting help for ME, my ATTITUDE, and OUTLOOK on life.
It has taken almost 30 years to start feeling better and more optimistic, but it has been worth the struggle.
I was raised atheist, which wasn’t too helpful, either! There is merit in spirit, or religion, if you can stomach it. I now trust in, well --faith-- and practice patience (as I am able. This is probably the most difficult part.)
Thank you for reading my little rant.
I get grumpy when I don’t have time to myself. Are you giving yourself enough quality “me” time?
This is good advice.
A sudden change in emotional disposition doesn’t happen for no reason, and figuring out the root cause is best if you want to change.
I’m going through something similar, except much milder. Seems I’m more easily irritated nowadays and I don’t feel a lot of contentment and stillness. On the surface, I shouldn’t be like this because so much good has happened to me in the last year that it’s unbelievable (marriage, promotion, nice new house). But it’s true though. My temperament feels different, much less steady and at peace, and I don’t like it.
I suspect the root cause for me is very simple. Stress. Good stress, but stress just the same. It’s pushing me off kilter. My mind keeps reminding me of all the millions of things still hanging over my head (thank you notes that have yet to be written, walls that still need to be painted, boxes that still need to be unpacked, a cat who needs her rabies shots, pictures that still need to be hung, figuring out my name change, etc.). And I’m still adjusting to being a wife and sharing my living space with another human being. It’s a lot to handle, so it should not be surprising that there’s a little turbulence in my emotions.
Have you had any big life changes recently? When did the grouchiness start and did this coincide with an event or an experience?