Any WWE fans in the audience? (Part 1)

Lana (C. J. Perry) spent her formative years in Latvia as a ballet dancer, and spent time as a model, singer, and actress before joining WWE. Usually, wrestling promotions prefer to promote from within. It’s rare to see somebody without a wrestling or sports-related background put in such a prominent role, but they needed somebody to act as Rusev’s mouthpiece, and Perry’s resume fit perfectly.

Vince and HHH are supposedly butting heads over Brrrrrock’s opponent at WM 31. Vince wants Dwayne Johnson, and HHH wants Reigns. The Rock didn’t look so effective last time he was in WWE when he feuded with Cena. I guess Vince wants mainstream attention for the extra dollars, which is why he pushed for Batista’s presence prior to the release of Guardians of the Galaxy, and that nearly backfired. Maybe it will attract a few extra network subscribers, but the Rock lives the Hollywood life, while Lesnar lives to fight and doesn’t waste his time with flash and glamor. Pseudo-realistically speaking, Lesnar would squash Johnson into Rock Jelly, but a WM main event has to look like a potentially even match, and Johnson’s no more of a challenge than David Arquette. Their match would look like such a futile example of pandering.

Just read on a message board today that house shows following Night Of Champions is advertising “Cena vs Rollins for the WWE title”

Dunno if that means the return of Super Cena, but it’s something to think about

House show ads tend to run behind the times like that. They were also promoting Cena vs. Rollins for the title at house shows this week, and IIRC Madison Square Garden was promoting CM Punk for a house show there for months after he walked out.

JBL is my least favorite commentator ever, and I loathe him with a passion. I know they all have Vince yelling in their earpieces all the time, but JBL is so much worse about it than the others are - all he can do is recite catchphrases, repeat the same couple of lines over and over again, and argue with MAGGLE no matter how little sense it makes for them to be disagreeing. He gushes over gimmick wrestlers (presumably because Vince is telling him he needs to sell El Torito as the greatest thing since Andre the Giant) even when it’s inappropriate for his character - I remember one time when Los Matadores fought the Real Americans and he seemed like he had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other both trying to tell him who he was supposed to be rooting for. And, of course, whenever Rusev is in the ring he suddenly turns into a face, except for when he doesn’t. You could replace him with his soundboard from one of the WWE video games and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

I mean, really, if you absolutely have to have a heel commentator (and I’d argue that you don’t always need one anyway), you already have William Regal, who’s much more knowledgeable about the business, actually seems like he’s having fun when he’s on commentary, and is capable of contributing more to the conversation than “The apex predator! Mexico’s finest export! Face of the WWE! Grandfather! War hero! The bizarre one! Conspiracy theories and black helicopters and aliens at Area 51! That’s the kick that won him the championship! If that happens next Sunday we could have us a new World Heavyweight Championship! Sons of the great Rikishi! The hounds of justice! The mighty bull! HAHAHAHAHA AH LOVE IT MAGGLE!” Let JBL hang out in the back room with IRS and Malenko and Arn Anderson, and leave the commentary to someone who actually knows what they’re doing.

It was announced by Triple H at WWE Main Event and is on WWE.com.

I hope WWE isn’t just going to have Cena rebound. This booking really has me confused about WWE’s intentions with Brock/the belt.

…I don’t believe we’re discussing the same thing here, because I’m pretty sure Trips didn’t appear on Main Event to announce a match scheduled for a house show.

HHH announced that Cena was exercising his rematch clause and would be fighting Lesnar again at Night of Champions. While it’s not unreasonable to conclude that #CENAWINSLOL, it being John Cena and the WWE we’re talking about here, Hunter is not quite just giving us spoilers yet.

JBL has his moments–mostly on SmackDown, where I suspect Vince and Dunn aren’t as domineering in the earpieces, and also where there’s no Lawler. He’ll call Cole for saying something stupid now and then, like when Cole questioned Rollins being the “Architect” of the SHIELD. He’s also good for wrestling trivia every once in a while. But for the most part, the state of the announce table on WWE main roster programming right now is fucking dire.

That said, I can’t get on board w/ bringing Regal up; he’s definitely a great commentator, but I think he’s more valuable helping bring up new talent in NXT. I wouldn’t mind seeing Christian take a shot at it, though; he did a stint at the table earlier this year as part of some feud or other he was in, before he got permanently sidelined w/ injury, and was pretty decent. He also was good on the NXT pre-show panel.

JBL actually shows some cleverness every now and then. He’ll drop a reference to a hometown sports hero at whatever venue they’re at, then bitch slap Cole for being ignorant of that name. He at least does some research. But yes, he gets annoying for the same reason Cole did when he was a heel announcer, loudly whining about really insignificant shit.

Aside from Bobby Heenan, I think the best ever heel announcer was Joel Gertner of ECW. He’d introduce himself as “The quintessential stud muffin” and then delve into a paragraph-long nickname for himself, such as:

[ul]
[li]“It is I, the quintessential studmuffin, Joel ‘this girl I know wanted to see the show, live here in Connecticut, so I told her to bend over, and I’d show her where I’d stick it. For forty-five minutes, she proceeded to tease and please and lick it, but when all was said and done, you know I made her buy a ticket’ Gertner.”[/li]
[li]“And there’s me, Joel ‘The biggest ladykiller in Buffalo since OJ Simpson’ Gertner.”[/li]
[li]“It is I, Joel ‘the lyrical miracle, the sexual intellectual’ Gertner.”[/li]
[li]“It is I, Joel ‘I’m young, I’m hung and I’m skilled with my tongue’ Gertner.”[/li]
[li]“It is I, Joel ‘I’m California dreamin’, and I leave the girlies screamin’, ‘cause I’m a pussy lickin’ demon, with vanilla flavoured semen’ Gertner.”[/li]
[li]“Just like the Rubix Cube, the more you play with it, the harder it gets”[/li]
[li]Joel “Point the direction you want my erection” Gertner[/li]
[li]Joel “I have busted more nuts than a peanut factory” Gertner[/li]
[li]“And then there’s me, I’m like milk, I do a body good, the Quintessential Studmuffin, the man who’s wit is more tongue in cheek than a lesbian orgy, Joel ‘Your Girlfriend Has Me On Her Speed Dial Because She Likes the Way I Star 69 Her’ Gertner”[/li]
[li]“I’m Joel; I’m in Tennessee as I always feared, then I asked your mother for some lovin’ and you mother volunteered; Gertner!”[/li]
[li]“It is I, the man for whom, if it’s a crime for my cock to be large, then you know I’m always ‘guilty as charged’, Joel, 'Another PPV here in New York City, with her face on my nuts, even that girl would look pretty. Wait, wait, wait, I really shouldn’t have said that, it was kinda of shitty. I apologize, I’m just trying to be witty, and I hope you’re not offended 'cause that would truly be a pity, ‘cause I was gonna fondle those titties and lick that little clitty’ Gertner.”[/li][/ul]

The absolute funniest thing about this whole rant was that I read it aloud to my girlfriend the first time I ever read it, an in the first half I had no idea what “maggle” was.

Then I was reading all the quotes and doing my JBL interpretation, got to MAGGLE and said it and then realized what it was and laughed my ass off.

Good post too since it’s ALL true and you nailed every. stupid. quote. he says

Pay a bit more attention to the meta-commentary. You’ll notice that the vocabulary changes. Each guy has a number of specific descriptive words and phrases that MUST be put in the commentary by the announcers. They way they talk about him and they way they praise or attack him is cookie cutter consistent from match to match.

Maggle.

Everyone’s “favorite” example of this, Maggle, would be THEDEMONKANE. When he put that mask on, word quite clearly came down from on high that KANE was not to be spoken without THEDEMON in front of it. I think I remember one time in the entire period that anyone said just Kane. (It was, IIRC, Steph, and it was pretty clearly an accident because she made up for it by saying THEDEMONKANE a lot after that.) (There was also that one time at Extreme Rules when someone (Cole, IIRC) called him a “demon gentleman”, which was kind of hilarious.)

I haven’t been paying attention to whether they’re as consistent about calling him THEKORPORATEKANE.

Dang, what’s happened to Enzo Amore? Last week, he gets knocked out by a kick to the head from enhancement talent and Big Cass takes a blow for him. This week he gets pinned by the Vaudevillains. He’s gotten SAWFT, maggle!

HHH announced the new NXT GM would debut next week. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman. Please let it be Paul Heyman, MAGGLE!

Well I think you said the answer right there. He’s gotten S-A-W-F-T Saaaaaawwwwwwwwft!

I also have had more fun watching the Kalisto matches than half of the matches on the WWE. If there’s one thing that the WCW did truly right, it was bring in the luchadores, they are so much fun.

As for the GM, Maybe it’s Sting?

HE’S HERE! IT’S THE LEGEND MAGGLE!

I also nailed down a date to go visit my girlfriend in Orlando, and nearby they are doing an NXT house show! We are really excited and tickets are forthcoming

Awesome! Be sure to post a pic of you two beforehand so we can look for you in the broadcast, maggle!

It’s not actually at Full-Sail, so I don’t know if it’s televised. I think it;s a house show, because looking at the schedule they do shows all around florida

And ya can’t teach 'dat!

So obviously what you need are lots of pics with Simon Gotch, Becky, Bayley, Lady Flair, Enzo and Big Cass (howudoin)…

ETA: also Mojo, just to see if he gets gassed taking a selfie…

According to the “supposed to be there” list Bayley isn’t going to be there.
And I am very VERY disappointed!
We are going second-to-last weekend in september, so I’ll announce when I’ll give a full report

I generally avoid reading NXT spoilers because I hate ruining the surprise when I watch it. (For the unaware, they tape 3-4 episodes in one night, much like in the early days of Raw.) I couldn’t help look this one up, though. The new GM is:

William Regal.

OK, that’s just as good.

I like it when he snarls at BJ Thomas on commentary, but maybe he’ll call him an “unwashed foul-smelling git” in front of the audience instead.