And no one will ever get this reference because only about 2,000 people will ever watch it, but Bray Wyatt saying “because Bears have class” is now stuck in my mind.
“…Mama Bear saw Goldilocks laying in a cloud of farts and cigarette smoke…”
Speaking of WWE original content…
Anyone watch Camp WWE? Anyone find it funny?
I say that because I found it laugh out loud hilarious and think it’s the best thing the Network has done. But it’s also tailored more closely to my generation’s view on comedy, so I’d be interested to see if others on this board think it’s as funny as I did
Whereas everybody in the audience knew what Cass was talking about when he mentioned, “Arnold? More like, Hey Arnold!”? (Actually, that show used the term “WrestleMania” in two or three stories.)
I did, but I noticed that they didn’t bother to air the closing credits, so nobody knows who did half of the voices. I am under the impression that the adult characters (Vince, Slaughter, Flair) are voiced by their namesake actors, but the younger ones, including Triple H (who is supposed to be voicing the character’s father, “Quadruple H,” in future episodes), are voiced by professional voice actors.
From the commercials for it, Vince sounds like he’s doing his lines over the phone.
One of the commercials for “Camp WWE” shows Trips in a sound booth reading lines for Quad.
*BAHWANNGAAAAHHHHHH
BAAAANNNHHHHH*
At the risk of sounding racist, there’s just something about Mexicans that makes everything they say sound immoral and illegal. As well as satanic. I don’t know if it’s a reflection of the intensity of Catholic guilt, but they just seem to enjoy fucking with you on a spiritual level.
This ep went more into the realm of the psychological, particularly Dario Cueto’s love of violence. Sexy Starr is in the evil LU proprietor’s office, being informed that she’ll face her worst nightmare Mariposa for an Aztec medallion tonight. Dario tells her he’s doing this to bring her intensity back, since she’s been in a slump for the past few weeks. He’s always added some incentive to the luchas to step up their game and tear each other apart. This time he says Sexy’s match with Mariposa will be a “No Mas” match. What’s more, Sexy should not only beat her opponent, but she should continue the punishment after the match is over to make sure Mariposa will fear for her life and never be the same again. “Make sure she shows defeat in her eyes,” he adds menacingly.
In the first match, LU’s version of Bray Wyatt, Marty “The Moth” Martinez, faces The Mack. Again, Mack is fucking awesome. He looks pudgy and soft, but this fucker can do the aerial moves like any lucha 100 lbs lighter than he and take some sick bumps. Mack pretty much squashes Marty.
Back in the office, Dario finishes putting up ceiling tile that had been destroyed in the Mil Muertes/Matanza match the week before. Catrina emerges from the darkness, and the two go into a “my guy’s more psychotic than yours” debate. They decide that the rematch will be Mil’s forte, a casket match, but this time there will be four caskets instead of just one. Interesting. Will that be four *empty *caskets? It’d be cool if some of the caskets contained allegedly dead LU personalities such as Big Ryck and Konnan.
Mascarita Sagrada is working out with barbells bigger than he, when Famous B drops in and tells him he’ll be in a match with a major star tonight, and what’s more, his opponent agreed to put up his Aztec Medallion if Mascarita wins. “This is how you get famous!”
Chavo Guerrero pays a visit to Dario. “Why haven’t you put me in an Aztec Medallion match?” he whines. “Because you don’t deserve it,” says Dario coldly. Dario then recites a litany of Chavo’s failures. “You want to be considered for greatness? Do something to show you deserve it.” Chavo mutters that he will and departs. Chavo’s always been a good weasel heel.
It turns out Mascarita’s opponent is the Machine Cage! Yikes! Mascarita gets in some quick jabs, but of course Cage is too Hulkish for the luchalita to bring down and defeats him in short order. However, as Cage celebrates his victory, Chavo sneaks in and steals his medallion, then escapes. Vampiro recalls that Chavo is doing the three words of the Guerrero motto: Lie, Cheat and Steel.
Interestingly enough, Cage did offer his support to Ryback’s cause, probably because he identifies with a fellow steroid monster. It would be interesting to see Ryback in LU. He’s got the proper disposition for them. He’s ill-tempered and works stiff.
Main event: Sexy Starr vs Mariposa. EXALTED EXCREMENT! This has got to be the most brutal match I’ve ever seen between two women, and that includes the Four Horsewomen of NXT. Mariposa ground her wrist studs into Sexy’s face and the blood started gushing. They took the fight into the upper stands and climbed up the rafters. They eventually fought their way down to the top of Dario’s office, but didn’t fall through the roof this time. The ref carried a mike with him and occasionally asked Sexy if she would submit, and Sexy refused each time. For the last time, she emphatically shouted FUCK YOU! This was not censored. I love cable.
Finally, Sexy stretched Mari in a Cross-Arm Bar, and Mari finally surrendered. Sexy then threw the referee out of the ring and put the CAB back on Mariposa. Both ladies were dirty, greasy and covered in blood. Yow! The weaker sex no more! Another awesome LU episode. Another reason I’m letting Time-Warner Cable bleed me dry.
*BAHWANNGAAAAHHHHHH
BAAAANNNHHHHH*
Forgot to add: There was another backstage segment where King Cuerno informed Catrina their partnership was now over and he would be coming after Mil Muertes after he wins the Aztec Medallion challenge. Dude, don’t ever tell Catrina you plan to double-cross her. That never ends well.
And so it came to pass, King Cuerno battled Sinestro, not the Green Lantern villain, but Catrina’s remaining Disciple of Death. Cuerno seemed to have the match won, but Catrina sneaked up behind him and beaned him with the black rock that used to be Mil Muertes’s house. Afterwards, she performed the necro-erotic Lick of Death upon his prone face and beaned him with the rock again. Catrina has a thing for stiffs.
So here are quick thoughts on Ryback from me, Mr. Devil’s Advocate…
I like Ryback and think he’s midunderstood in his own sport. Remember the bullying controversy that plagued the Miami Dolphins? Where it basically boiled down to “you’re in a man’s sport, quit being a pussy.” This is the same thing that I think Ryback faces on a daily basis. He’s just an odd, sensitive cat who is affected by being made fun of more than most.
That’s why I don’t blame him for wanting to go home and just be away from all that crap. I also think he makes some really good points on his blog post about the nature of jobbers, and it really brings recent PED busts (Konnor and Adam Rose) to the forefront. If all you do is lose, get screwed on money, and not reap any benefits of being a superstar, then you’re going to do literally whatever it takes to stand out.
Nothing will come from it unfortunately. There are (literally) millions of people who would die for the chance to job out to the people Ryback faces and the WWE is never going to spend more money than they need, which is unfortunate.
I was always a fan of “tha big guy-ah” and I’m sad to see him go, and I appreciate that he’s trying to go out on a high note…but you can’t fight city hall, and you can’t fight the WWE machine.
The Purge has begun. WWE has announced that Alex Riley, Hornswoggle, Santino Marella, El Torito, Zeb Colter, and Cameron have all been released this morning.
A Ryback type doesn’t really work for WWE any more. They’re moving away from monsters like Big Show, Kane and Braun Stroman. Brock Lesnar isn’t on as much either. Audiences are becoming more enamored of the high-flyers and less bulkier body types. Superheros have undergone a similar change. They used to be giants with Atlas bodies, but now they’re more slender and regular-sized. Spider-man used to be built like a linebacker, but now he’s more like a wide receiver.
Ryback also doesn’t really have an attractive personality, and his promos lack a connect with the audience. Somehow, Goldberg did, but his appeal only lasted a couple years.
Scooped! I was just coming in to report this.
I thought Santino was retired? Does that mean they ridded him of a Legends contract?
Other than that, my heart breaks for El Torito cuz I’m a 5 year old and loved the little bull. The rest I don’t care about pretty much at all.
Was really surprised to see Santino on the list when he ‘retired’ from active wrestling nearly two years ago. But various sites put his salary&bonus anywhere from $320k-$486K last year, which is damned good money if you can get it and he obviously wasn’t working regular schedule for that.
I expect there will be at least 2 and more likely 3-4 ‘Divas’ along with another 8-10 men in this round. They’ve gone two years since the last mass release and hired a fuckload of people in that time.
I wonder if they’ll also make a bunch of cuts at NXT, like Sabotelli (or however that’s spelled) since he doesn’t seem to be making it back to TV anytime soon.
Well, if you were hoping Wade Barrett would be sticking around…I’m afraid I’ve got some BAD NEWS.
Damien Sandow’s been dropped, too, and that one really stings me. He was a talented wrestler, he had a great gimmick, and he was on fire in 2013 up until they fed him to Cena and turned him into a jobber. They finally put him back in his Savior of the Masses gimmick earlier this year on the B-shows too and he got huge pops at the tapings I saw him at in February.
He was also in fire with him and Miz for that time being as well. But they fed him to Miz and did nothing with him after that
I gotta think Cena or someone else important had some beef with him that we never heard about. Man got huge pops even lately, about a year after they totally fucked the ending of that angle and he was massively over.
My favorite moment of his was the time that Cody Rhodes stole his MITB briefcase, lead him on a chase out of the arena and across the street to the Gulf of Mexico, then tossed it into the sea, leading Sandow to freak out, shout “I CAN’T SWIM!” at the top of his lungs, try to dive in to capture it anyway, flail around helplessly while it drifted away, and then just barely manage to drag himself back out of the water and pass out flat on his back.
Well, that and the time Team Rhodes Scholars stole the New Age Outlaws’ bit.
I saw Sandow vs the Big Show a few years ago, and he definitely had the greatest heel heat that night. I don’t know why WWE couldn’t keep the momentum going with him.
Also where is everyone seeing Sandow was released? All I’m seeing are people being angry about it, but nowhere that it actually happened.