Y’all been whooshed, son.
Huh. I thought that was my A/C. 
Although I do have to admit that I was disappointed that they named Jason Jordan and then didn’t give him a match to show off.
Imagine my delight when I went on YouTube to check and found out there’s already several mashups of the reveal with the Family Guy skit that immediately popped into my head when it happened.
Yeah, I’m not really sure why this was supposed to be scandalous. Does Vince think that interracial relationships or extramarital pregnancies are still shocking to the average WWE viewer in 2017? For that matter, Jordan was born in 1988 in Chicago in real life - I doubt an interracial couple would have raised too many eyebrows in that place at that time.
I don’t think the interracial part is supposed to play into it at all actually. I know that’s giving Vince “I can say the N word whenever” McMahon some actual credit, but I think the scandal is less “My Black Son” and more “OMG the GM has a kid!”
Why they chose JJ? No idea. Maybe they think Bagels has enough cred on his own to make it and JJ needs the rub? I’ve heard lots of speculation that this is a long con to turn JJ heel by having him fake the paternity test/turn on Daddy Angle.
I do like that Gables is getting a solo run. His interview with Renee showed he has a pretty quirky sense of humor and he’s definitely capable of putting on good matches.
Looks like all the midcarders are at least going to get a few seconds of face time in Breezango sketches.
It looks like Brock is going for another UFC run. He’s put himself back in the USADA drug testing pool and could fight again as soon as this December when his suspension expires.
As I said elsewhere, Brock turned 40 this month. He has plenty of money to do whatever he wants. He also has a wife and 4 kids and is known to not like people in general.
His WWE contract lasts till 2018, so he’ll probably lose the belt then.
Dear you hear the one about Shane McMahon and the helicopter?
“For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running…”
Steven Wright
*BAHWANHGAAAAAAHHHHH
BAANNNNHHHHH*
Prince Puma is set to face PJ Black tonight. Vampiro is in one of his guises as mentor to Prince Puma. He can tell PP is haunted by visions, because he’s had the same condition himself. He meets PP as he’s musing on the rooftop and tells him there’s only one way to dispel the demons in his head. Embrace Satan. Just kidding. Fight Mil Muertes again.
As Puma ruminates over Vampiro’s advice, the Velvet, I mean Worldwide Underground arrives and struts into the temple. PJ Black sees Puma on the roof and flips him a bird. Oh no he didn’t!
Cueto Cup Tournament continues as Pindar (w/ Kobra Moon) takes on Cage (w/ Evil Glove)
Cage refuses to remove the Evil Glove, despite the referee’s frantic admonitions. Match starts and Cage instantly bitch slaps Pindar with the Evil Glove and gets DQ’ed. Cage destroys the referee for his temerity.
**
Dante Fox vs Son of Havoc**
SoH gets jumped by SoMadness when the match starts, but the ref allows it. Evil Gloves make refs more forgiving. Madness chokes Havoc with motorcycle chains, and Vampiro/Stryker intensely discuss the code of honor followed by Bikers. Seems like every LU star is from some arcane societal sect that equates morality with fighting. Havoc manages to turn the tables on Madness and take him out, but now he’s all hurt and boo-booed. Cueto gets on the mic and tells Havoc “Sorry muchacho, you either stay or go. We’re not postponing this match!”
Havoc chooses to stay and the match starts. Dante immediately goes for the kill. He throws Havoc out of the ring, then does a diagonal sprint over the opposite corner, vaults over the turnbuckle in a ninja turtle somersalt, and takes out Havoc: the first of many HOLY SHIT moments in this match. There is no ensuing squash, however. Havoc takes some sick bumps but keeps managing to kick out of Fox’s pin attempts. The match then turns in Havoc’s favor for a while, but then Fox counters all his best moves. Match becomes a lengthy slobberknocker with zero rest. Fox wins with the Fox Catcher. STANDING O!
As Worldwide Underground gathers backstage, we are introduced to a new non-wrestler cast member, unscrupulous agent archetype Benjamin Cook. He slathers his sales pitch up and down on the WU, then tells PJ he needs to do his job to make sure Johnny owns LU by beating PP tonight. PJ sells disgust and leaves. Cook turns to Mundo and says “Now tell me about Dario Cueto. He sounds nice…”
Methinks I know who the next victim of the Evil Glove will be.
PJ Black vs Prince Puma
These guys obviously enjoy what they do for a living as they are both fucking amazing. PP wins with the 630 and advances in the Cueto Cup.
After the credits, PJ Black is in Dario Cueto’s office. Cueto gripes that Benjamin Cook has called him 17 times. The phone then rings, and Cueto tears the cord out of the wall. Phone cords have virtually disappeared in this day and age, but some people like to stay old school. Dario still has a cell phone, which also rings. Into the trash it goes. Dario informs Black he will face Rey Mysterio next week, thanks to Cook’s constant kvetching. I think this is leading to PJ to turning against the Clique in the incoming future.
*BAHWANHGAAAAAAHHHHH
BAANNNNHHHHH*
In LU, Drago is a mythological creature that takes human form to answer the call of combat. He was ensnared by Kobra Moon’s machinations and had to join her brood to honor a centuries old debt between clans.
In Impact, he’s a masked guy on loan from AAA.
Table for 3 Nation of Domination Reunion is good. I’ve got a lot of respect for Mark Henry and Ron Simmons. Some for Charles Wright too. 
Since we’re in the middle of “Let’s just have a PPV every two goddamn weeks” season, here’s some predictions for Battleground;
-
Randy Orton vs. Jinder Mahal, Punjabi Prison match for the world title. This is going to be a hot mess. The Punjabi Prison is the second-worst gimmick match WWE has (behind the House of Horrors match, of course); you can barely see through the cage, the rules are way too complex, and the only reason they’re doing it is because Jinder is Punjabi and this is the only way Vince knows how to book “ethnic” wrestlers. (Let’s hope nobody ever tells him Sami Zayn is an Arab Muslim.) And this show is in Philly, which means the crowd is going to be merciless. Jinder wins so we can finally end this feud and find someone interesting to challenge for the title, and the Punjabi Prison then mysteriously disappears while being transported back to Titan Towers and is never seen again until GFW suddenly starts holding Hyderabad Holding Cell matches.
-
AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens for the US title. I’m hoping Kevin wins it back, because his whole “Face of America” gimmick is amazing.
-
John Cena vs. Rusev in a flag match (because apparently Bulgaria is our enemy now). Every time WWE has a flag match the rules are different, and I have no idea what they are for this one, but I’m just gonna say CENAWINSLOL.
-
New Day vs. Usos for the tag titles. I want the Usos to drop the belts because it feels like they’ve had them forever and haven’t done anything with them, but I don’t particularly want the New Day to be champs again either. Probably gonna happen, though.
-
Five-way elimination #1 contenders match; Becky Lynch, Charlotte, Lana, Natalya, and Tamina. WWE really needs to put the ladies on one brand and tag team wrestling on the other, because with the brand split both divisions are spread way too thin. Case in point - Lana, whose TV win/loss record is 0-5, has had four title shots in the past month and is now in a match for another shot. Anyway, I’ll say Charlotte wins because nepotism.
-
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin. Shinsuke wins, because Corbin is Mr. Money in the Bank, and Mr. Money in the Bank’s job is to lose every high-profile match he’s in until he finally cashes in and wins the title.
-
Sami Zayn vs. Mike Kanellis. And here I was starting to wonder if Mike was actually a wrestler, or just a guy who likes to take his wife to wrestling shows. Mike wins because the new guy has to go over in his PPV debut.
-
Tye Dillinger vs. Aiden English. This is the pre-show match. English wins.
My picks;
Jinder over Lord Borington.
You may be right about KO winning, which would free up AJ to face Jinder next, but it is possible AJ wins to do some open challenges.
New Day vs Usos. I’m going to call Shenanigans and Usos retain.
Cena vs. Rusev. Oh dear lord how I want to see Rusev win this and beat the holy hell out of Cena with his flag pole. But we all know how these things go. Even though they have a more international audience these days, Vince can’t help but go with the patriotic xenophobia. :rolleyes:
Women’s match. Why the fuck is Lana even in this thing? I want to see Becky win, but I’m going to go with Charlotte, to be the second Raw and Smackdown Women’s champ.
Shinsuke v. Corbin. I dunno, I’m going to go with Corbin because Shinsuke hasn’t been treated as anything special and Vince has a history of racism against Japanese people.
Sami v. Kanellis. Kanellis gets his introductory win with the help of his wife, making him Miz 2.0.
I’m going to give the pre-show match to Tye, although I agree with the article from yesterday that said they should form a team called Perfect Pitch. If they wanted to go that way, then I’d give them 2 minutes before The Ascension shows up and beats the crap out of both of them, just because.
And I’m going to go with the reunited Luke Harper and Erick Rowan being behind the trashing of Breezango’s locker room, with a quick match or beat down on the show.
Oh, and one of the funniest things I’ve heard on Smackdown in a very long time; Nattie on commentary saying that she’s the smartest woman wrestler. That comment made me pause and laugh out loud, because I swear Nattie has an IQ of 90.
Oh right, PPV tonight. Only the second time in WWE history there’s been a Punjabi Prison match! That’s because the first one was an embarrassment. Way to sell it.
Battleground predictions, anagram style.
Tye Dillinger vs Aiden English - Tye Dyllinger’s name is an anagram for “Yield Ten, girl,” which means Tye wins by countout as Aiden cries.
Breezango vs Closet Wreckers - Breezango is an anagram for Bronze Age. I’ll say it’s the former Wyatts, as they’re the most primitive.
Sami Zayn vs Mike Kanellis - Sami Zayn is an anagram for “am zany, is” while Mike Kanellis becomes “I make 'em slink.” Mike slinks to victory.
Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Tamina vs. Lana
Their names become “A Bacchanalian Latte Torment,” which means they’ll fight drunkenly while stressing from too much caffeine. Since Charlotte grew up in Ric Flair’s “party till you puke” atmosphere, I’m thinking she can handle it.
AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens
Transmogrifies to “Valentines Skews Joy.” Since KO ended his bromance with Chris Jericho, that means he’ll win to night.
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Baron Corbin
is rearranged to “Karma Urban Icon.” Corbin has all the gang tattoos, so he’s the urban icon who will find that karma’s a bitch. Nakamura gets his revenge.
The Usos vs. The New Day
turns into “Sunday Woes,” which means the match will suck, regardless of who wins. Or it could be woe for one of the teams, and since it would hurt the Usos more to lose the belts, ND wins.
John Cena vs. Rusev (Flag Match)
becomes CENAWINSLOL
Jinder Mahal vs. Randy Orton (Punjabi Prison Match)
yields “Moolah rant.” The Fabulous Moolah returns from the dead to rant how she can’t see anything because of all the bamboo bars. This distracts Randy, because he remembers her screaming “get those bars out of the way” to Cowboy Bob when they were fooling around when Randy was a toddler, so winder jins.
Minor PPV*
Game of Thrones
Minor PPV
Game of Thrones
Minor PPV
Game of Thrones
I should be able to catch it on network by Wednesday or Thursday, unless the reviews are horrible, in which case I won’t waste my time.
*we still need a better name because nobody is paying to watch this drek “per view”
Well, that happened.
EXCUSE ME! I CAN HEAR YOUR SPINE GROWING!
Should have gone with Game of Thrones, but I haven’t watched the previous eps yet.
Bravo!
The Great Freakin’ Khali.
Last I saw him, wasn’t he actually whipping Jinder’s ass because Jinder was going to divorce Khali’s sister and send them both back to poverty or some crap?
I mean, I suppose I should have suspected kayfabe history was out the window when Jinder called Khali his “hero” when he announced the Punjabi Prison match, but I sure didn’t see WWE trotting out his rickety ass trying to sell freakin’ Khali as a game changer.
Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! If I may… you know how it is said in wrestling circles, a man can be such a skilled wrestler that he could put on a match with a broom? You, sir, are that broom! YOU’RE A BROOM, SIR! A BROOM! A BROOM!
Seriously. WTF! Khali is 45 years old, suffers from untreated gigantism (unlike Big Show, who’s the same age but had his gigantism surgically remedied decades ago), and was so physically messed up that he was unfit to wrestle five years ago. How, in any good conscience, does WWE bring him back and clear him to take bumps when they keep on insisting for legal purposes that Daniel Bryan isn’t fit to wrestle when the doctors say he can?
Other than that… I guess the PPV was OK? I liked the women’s match and the finish of Owens/Styles.