That does not at all sound like 2200 calories per day. More like 1200. Seriously, you need to monitor that. Also give her a daily multivitamin which includes vitamin D3 and magnesium. That will be mostly wasted,but do it anyway for awhile.
Most likely it’s the impending divorce that has her off-kilter. If you are certain, then bite the bullet and either move out or get Mom out of the house. Kids are able to deal with almost anything that has happened. Things that are maybe likely soon gonna happen will drive a kid completely insane.
Physical exercise is extremely important. Anxiety is mainly an overflow of adrenaline. Muscles can “burn” it off. That leaves you with low blood sugar which makes you hungry. Try instigating yoga or calisthenics as a family in the mornings. Also, if she gets into a hard driving competitive sport, then she won’t want the weakness that comes with under eating.
Teach her isometric exercises (contracting muscle groups and then releasing them) and encourage her to use them when she’s feeling anxious in an otherwise quiet/still setting.
Make a habit of hugging each child every morning. And try to make them laugh every day.
My impression is that eating disorders are not due to anxiety about food, or even appearance. They are a displacement activity to control stress from other causes. At least with my daughter, treating her social anxiety helped with eating. She was not anxious about food. It was more that not eating made her feel focused and successful, which helped to counter all her negative feelings.
I’ve never had twins so this might be a stupid question, but what does twin B, who presumably doesn’t have these food issues, think is going on with twin A? Do they travel in the same social circles at school? Is twin A being picked on or teased by the other kids? There’s usually a reason why these things happen so the key is to figure out why she isn’t eating and twin B may have some clues you can explore. As someone else mentioned a check-up with a doctor if she hasn’t had one lately is probably in order to rule out any medical issues. I was a vegetarian at that age too, but when you cut out meat you eliminate a lot of the protein options kids have, especially if they don’t eat seafood. You say she’s eating 2,200 calories a day. How is she doing that? Is she snacking on whale blubber? She needs proteins in one form or another to grow so I would worry about where her calories are coming from. If she’s eating junk food all day from a source you don’t know about that might be a big part of the problem.
As a teacher, I really see kids go through the roof when parents are going through divorces. Hell, it’s stressful enough for adults and we are supposed to have a lot more skills to deal with it.
PackerGirl went through this, starting in 7th grade. Started with self-harming, more scratching than cutting. My wife and I were completely lost, never saw it coming. The self harming was a symptom of anxiety, depression and self image issues. About 6 months of out-patient therapy at an eating disorder facility and a week of in-patient facility when that wasn’t having the desired effect. She saw all these girls and young women who had been way more impacted and thought, “I’m still fat, I don’t belong here”. I think the in-patient stay was what scared her straight. Seeing women in their 50s whose lives have been completely destroyed by the disease made her realize that she needed to change. That and being away from the family for the first time for that long.
Medication was extremely important to getting the anxiety and depression regulated. I think seeing a therapist regularly was the biggest factor in getting to the bottom of the real issue, her self-image and worth. Just having someone that she trusted and respected that she could talk to, away from Mom and Dad, really got her to understand and appreciate who she is.
I can proudly say the she is now a well adjusted 16 year old doing very well in all aspects of her life. So to sneak brag - she is on the varsity golf team and just placed 6th in the City Championship. Going through what she did made her so much stronger and willing to branch out. She even wants to go to school for Psychology.
I say this to give you hope. You likely have a couple of very difficult years ahead of you. Be supportive, make sure she has access to all of the assistance available. Look into getting her a 504 or IEP if she already doesn’t have one. That was very helpful in reintroduction to school. She was able to eat her lunch in a private area until she felt comfortable in the cafeteria. Be patient - it took over a year to get to that point. She was also able to do presentations just in front of the teacher and get extra time for exams, due to the anxiety. This past year she has not needed any of these accommodations.
Be strong, understanding, and forceful if needed. She likely will deny that she has a problem.
Actually, she welcomes eating together when given the choice of eating outside, going home to eat, eating by herself. We have this thing in our household of eating dinner together when possible. She has the same eating behavior with her big sister, who she adores. It’s not really about me beyond being one stressor of the overall anxiety puzzle, a previous enabler of her avoidance behavior, and partner in overcoming avoidance and facing her fears.
Twin A simply means first twin born and Twin B is second. Twin B is on the autism spectrum and not capable of tracking her twins’ eating. Big sister certainly is capable and more than shares my concerns. Unfortunately, big sis moved into the dorms on Tuesday and starts film school classes in LA on Monday.
LilPoysyn has been struggling for about two years now, not eating, cutting/self harm. We were having a really hard time last Feb, but things seem to be evening out, hard to say. I found her a counselor that does Dialetical Behaviour Therapy - which is supposed to be excellent for teens that self-harm. I try to keep stuff in the house that she will eat (I find ready-made stuff from the deli counter or quick to heat up items go faster), and I made a deal with her that I would send her to school with money instead of a lunch - it was hard for me to accept that she may end up eating Poutine for lunch, but it is still better than nothing.
A couple of good books were “Helping Teens who Cut” and “Tapping In” - the reasons behind it are not always what you think, I thought it was from a feeling of needing to control something, or maybe a release of pain - not exactly. It’s a coping skill, to deal with the seeming tsunami of emotions - not a GOOD coping skill, but one that works so it’s hard to stop. She does a lot of journaling, and we work on meditation. She draws on herself now, and I keep sharp stuff put away. She is also really honest with me when she hasn’t eaten or feels like cutting, and we talk through it. It does mean more take-out than I would like, but again, better than she go without.
I know you didn’t say your girl was cutting, but in my experience with teen girls, these behaviours often go hand in hand.
I thought the problem is that she is not eating? She barely ate on the camping trip, she’s eating less and less for breakfast, she’s not even eating cookies now?
What fears does she need to face here? And what is the line between fears and preferences?
Most importantly, what is the goal? To get her to eat more? To encourage a healthy relationship with food? Or to ensure she faces what has been defined as a fear?
I wouldn’t suggest letting her take meals away from the family. It’s too easy for her to wrap the food up in napkins and throw it away or flush it down the toilet. That was my MO as an anorexic teen.
j666 - anxiety is the root and we are addressing that and working thru it. The group therapy is really good and we have an execution plan that Twin A is involved with and working the steps. It’s a journey, we (including twin A) recognize the problem, starting to understand the cure, and agreeing on a plan to work the steps.
The food is concerning and may be a serious issue and hopefully will head off at the pass. I’ve gotten Twin A a referral to Seattle Children’s so that professionals can evaluate both her medical condition and psychological. Working the steps thru this. A bit like AA
She is eating at mealtimes but not much. The excuses for not eating at mealtimes set off alarm bells. She snacks. Yesterday, Twin A and Twin B made some mighty tasty chocolate chip cookies for the last day of Twin B summer camp. Twin A had one cookie. I’d be willing to bet that most 13 year olds would eat more than one cookie that they baked, so it is one of many warning signs. It’s not full blown refusal to eat but it’s not right. So, I’m educating myself, getting professional help, dealing with a divorce that is complicated, managing an autistic child, and big sister went off to University for the first time, on top of 13 year old girl drama, sexuality issues, and a mother that causes panic attacks.
So, in this thread I’m asking other parents who have gone thru something similar their experiences, and hoping someone can share a playbook or two on the food avoidance issue while we work thru getting experienced professional help. The food thing is outside the scope of what the anxiety group will address. While the root causes may be the same, eating challenges sure seem to be a whole 'nother kettle of fish with separate specialists to help. I did get validation that making sure Twin A eats *something *at each mealtime is a good step. I’m seeking to understand what other basic things we can work on while waiting for the professional help.
Can I just make another comment that might be helpful? She’s obviously having trouble with stress. Even if the psychological assessments come up with some diagnoses of “psychological” things like depression or an anxiety disorder, if you have those “psychological” issues, they aren’t “just” psychological. Anxiety actually causes physical symptoms. You actually feel physically sick, it isn’t just how you are feeling emotionally that can stop you eating. Physical/emotional overlap. Also, somebody earlier mentioned hormones. Pregnancy hormones cause morning sickness. “Ordinary” female hormones can cause/contribute to depression. Puberty can really mess with a person’s body and hormones can be causing all sorts of weird and wonderful things to be going on. Even if the cause is largely “emotional”, bear in mind that she could be feeling it as physical.
But then, also speaking as a former 13 year old, one of my school friends was anorexic to the point that the school was setting a teacher to watch and try and make sure she ate lunch. She’d do anything to try and avoid eating then, but would then would go into town with me later and nick the food I’d bought for myself. The more people were trying to ensure she ate, the less she ate. When no one else was there, or in my case, only someone who pretended to ignore her eating issues, she’d eat fine. I would say her issues were 90% control, so reducing the stress around food helped reduce the problem, rather than increasing it like the school was doing.
It’s not always the same solution, though the problem can look the same.
I suffered anxiety for about a year, did some research, and kicked it in the ass. Don’t expect an immediate change, but over the course of a couple of weeks, you should see less insanity.
Puberty is a stone bitch. For a lot of women, and this is worse if you’re an early developer (where “early” is “in relationship to your friends”):
your boobs hurt,
your sides aren’t where they used to be,
your back hurts,
your walk changes,
guys look at you different, and this isn’t always in a good way,
guys you used to be able to talk with now go all kinds of strange colors,
every magazine seems to be telling you how to hide your curves (they’re also telling the still-I-lined girls how to emphasize theirs, but you don’t see this),
your boobs hurt,
you’re likely to fall down at the most amazing and inconvenient times, up to and including while standing up holding a wall,
your body is doing this YUCKY thing every month, only it’s not even exactly every month, but only sort of, and it may take you by surprise, and it comes and goes and sometimes it’s superheavy and sometimes it’s not and when it does that your boobs hurt and your back hurts and your kidneys hurt and your joints hurt and nobody told you “being a woman” hurt damnit,
and btw all that goes away if you manage to get your body weight low enough (in my case, the weight at which I’d go into amenorrhea was always above my so-called ideal BMI),
your classmates’ mothers’ seem to find you really fat. Some may even look at you like you’re completely disgusting. A rotting, beached whale. After several years of this, my mother discovered that she could tell which of my classmates were growing tits by which mother was not finding me fat any more.
Oh, and not being an early developer? That’s not any easier.
We did have a few things we introduced. One, I spoke to her teachers, letting them know it was a hard time, and if LilPoysyn could not, for whatever reason, face school that day, she stayed home or went to work with me. In returnX Darby was super honest if she felt like it was too much. This gave her an escape outside of cutting/not eating.
She was embarrassed to eat in front of some friends, so I sent her with lunch money. That way she could eat when/what she wanted. I made sure there were lots of snacks and stuff she could eat on the go when she got home.
We have a journal. It passes between us. If there is something on her mind, and she doesn’t think she can say it out loud, she writes it in the book and leaves it on my bed. The rules are, I have to write the answer back. No calling her in to chat about it. If, AFTER she reads it, she wants to talk about it, we do.
The last thing was finding a counselor that does DBT.
It’s slow, and some days it feels like two steps forward, for back. I am happy to chat more via email, if needed.
Thanks all for the replies. Trying to find my way here as I move to some professional help as well. I think Twin A actually listened a few days ago when I said “we have a problem” after she ate that Chinese size bowl of fried rice she made and some broccoli. And I realize this is a journey with reducing the anxiety level as a very key component.
Today we went to Fat Burger for lunch. They feature the “Amazing Burger”, which is a pretty amazing veggie burger. In that, it looks, tastes and has a mouth feel of a hamburger patty. While meatless, it is not a veggie burger, a nut burger nor a bean burger. Big sister said that this “amazing burger” actually made her like burgers. Anyhoo, I digress, Twin A asked if we could split it and I agreed (I’m trying to lose weight). While earlier she wanted either a smoothie (we were running errands and ran out of time to get it) or a Fat Burger milkshake. When ordering she said “I don’t want a milkshake now” but I ordered it anyway and an order of fries. Twin B got the hot dog kids set with a hotdog (mystery meat), small fries and a small soft drink. Twin A had a bit of her sister’s soda, ate her half of the Amazing Burger, about half of the fries and about half of the shake. Previously she would have eaten all of the fries but for a Daddy tax and probably would have finished the shake, but not a bad showing. I didn’t say anything except for trying her shake out first, and offering to split the last few fries (and she did). So a pretty good showing. Dinner was also pretty light but she ate and sat with us until we were all finished.
I’m trying to find a balance between getting her to eat more normally, but not making it any kind of a deal nor a battle of the wits. Like I learned when my kids were toddlers, shoot for a balanced diet over a week (no need to have a balanced meal or even a balanced day, as long as over a week kidlet gets good nutrition). We have snacks in the house, tons of yogurt that she likes, and a bag of snacks to put in the school locker next week when classes resume.