What did the acorn say when he grew up?
Gee, I’m a tree.
Alright - here goes.
Differential “X” song –
Differential “X”!,
Differential “Y”!
“A” square, “B” square
Integral of pi!
Engineers touchdown!
Engineers yell!
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets!
Fight like hell!
that always cracks me up… its a true Georgia Tech fight song.
What is 6.9? – A great thing destroyed by a period. Rimshot
What is every girls nightmare and every lit student’s nightmare? – Mobius dick (wait for it…)
Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween? – Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
Alright, I’m spent. Someone let me know when you the lumberjack band called “The logarithms” breaks out into MTV.
Ronin
Alright I lied, one more –
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Ronin
From a friend:
How many numerical analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb? 0.9973 after the first three iterations.
How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, plus or minus three.
How many applied mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, who gives it to two statisticians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.
How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he can only change it into a homeomorphic space.
Well, in that case; if you hold a Unix shell to your ear, can you hear the C?
A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are each locked in a separate room. Each room has no furniture or windows, and contains only one can of canned food. No can openers are given out. After two days, the doors to the rooms are opened. When the physicist’s door is opened it is found that he analyzed the can, found the weakest points in its structure, and applied pressure, thus opening the can. When the engineer’s door is opened, it is found that he slammed the can against the wall until it burst open. When the mathematician’s door is opened, he is found huddled in a corner, the unopened can on the floor in front of him, mumbling to himself: "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open . . . "
::ducks and runs::
Q: What is 6 times 69?
A: An orgy!
I saw this on another message board this morning:
ALGEBRAIC SOCIOLOGY
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money
Power is Work over Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time-worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we’ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
- The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
- The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.
From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
Ooh, Second Guest reminded me of a math joke I have heard many times here at RPI:
Women requre time and money, so:
Women = (time)(money)
Time is money, so replacing time for money we get:
Women=(money)(money) or, Women = money[sup]2[/sup]
Well, we all know that money is the root of all evil, i.e., money=root(evil), so therfore:
Women=root(evil)[sup]2[/sup] = evil
So, we can easily deduce that women are evil.
my favourite isn’t quite a joke, but it’s a mathematical limerick:
( (12+144+20+(3x sq.rt.4) ) / 7) + 5x11=81+0
Sorry, but the “square root” symbol doesn’t translate.
And it reads:
A dozen, a gross and a score
plus three times the square root of four
divided by seven
plus five times eleven
is nine squared, and not a bit more
Here’s an old one:
Theorem: All horses are the same color.
Proof: (By induction on n=the number of horses)
Suppose there was one horse. It is then clear that all horses would be the same color.
Suppose the theorem is true for a group of n-1 horses (i.e., if we have a group of n-1 horses, then they must all be the same color).
Consider a group of n horses. Remove some arbitrary horse, call it horse A. The remaining horses, then, must all be the same color (since they form a group of n-1 horses).
Now return horse A to the group, and remove a different horse, call it horse B. Again, the remaining horses must all be the same color. In particular, horse A is now in this group, so we have shown that if we have a group of n horses, they must also all be the same color.
Therefore, by the principle of induction, we have shown that all horses must be the same color.
QED
There is a corollary to this theorem which states that all horses have an inifinite number of legs. The proof is left as an exercise for the reader.
This is not exactly PC, but, what the heck . . .
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The
cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100
dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of
production, contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as
a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the
cardinality of the set “P” of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger
makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?
Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es
…
(hopefully not a double post)
On the limerick front:
A mathematician named Hall
has a hexehedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his age, and plus eight,
is his phone number: give him a call.
A handsome young man from Racine
invented a fucking machine:
both concave and convex
it could fit either sex
(with attachments for those in-between).
“Why do Deaf mathematician’s farts smell?”
“So the other Deaf mathematicians can enjoy them too”
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist are walking through a building site, and they come to a newly-built, empty house. They stop outside for a minute to catch their breath. They watch two people walk up to the empty house and go inside. Then a few minutes later, they see three people come out. They are all puzzled by this.
The biologist explains “Obviously the two people who went into the house reproduced.” The physicist says, “Nonsense. It’s just experimental error.” Finally it’s the mathematician’s turn. He ponders it for a few minutes, and then replies “If one more person goes inside, then the house will be empty.”
(So sorry for wasting your time.)
I know I’ve posted this elsewhere, and, actually its a physics limerick, but oh well.
There once was a racer named Fiske,
who took a considerable risk:
when his dragster caught traction,
the Fitzgerald Contraction
reduced his wazoo to a disk!
Different version, same punchline:
There once was a fellow named Fiske,
whose stroke was exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action,
the Lorenz contraction
diminished his dong to a disk!
Oh, and since we’re at physics limericks now:
There was young pilot name Bright,
who’s plane was much faster than light.
He took off one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night.