Apparently I Encourage Teens To Have Sex.

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am posting this in IMHO instead of Great Debates as I am not sure what direction this thread will take.

Last night I received a phone call from my daughter’s very close friend’s guardian blaming me for the fact that his granddaughter is now sexually active.

Back Story:

My daughter and her friend have grown up in the same neighborhood and became friends at a very young age despite their age difference. My daughter is currently 13 and Sally, her friend (not her really name) is 16. Sally is being raised by her grandparents since her mother passed away when Sally was very young and her father was incarcerated for some kind of drug offense. (He is currently out of prison but has little contact with Sally).

My daughter and I have a fairly open relationship and many of her friends, including Sally, share things with me and ask advice on everything from school troubles to boyfriend issues. Tangent, due to a previous thread of mine; my daughter has been having a difficult time with her relationship with her father which came between us but that has since been resolved and the lines of communication have resumed completely between us.

Back to Sally. Sally confessed to me about three months ago that she was having sex with her boyfriend. I spoke to her about talking to her grandparents and about getting some protection but she said not only would that never happen, they have forbidden her to see him because they feel she is too young to date. She also said they have never explained sex to her and she learned what she knows from school and friends.

Sally was evasive when I inquired how she does manage to see her boyfriend if he isn’t even permitted over the house or to take her to a movie. I had an very serious conversation with both the girls about the emotional and physical risks of having sex at such a young age. I was very clear that I didn’t approve of Sally’s choice but if she is going to be sexually active, she needs to use protection. With that in mind, I went out and purchased a box of condoms and gave them to my daughter. I did NOT give them to Sally, however, I did know my daughter would.

I was enlightened as to how they saw each other when I received a call this past weekend from her grandfather telling me that Sally has been sneaking out in the middle of the night and getting a ride from a supposed friend of my daughter. They found this out by a knock at the door from the boyfriend’s mother with Sally in tow stating she had found both her son and his grand daughter in bed together having sex. (The boyfriend is 15)

The boy that was giving her the ride to the boyfriends house is a 17 year old boy that the girls had met at the mall and some how Sally convinced him to act as her taxi service. In her fear, she lied and said this boy was my daughter’s friend so as not to get in more trouble for being in a car with a stranger. I honestly told the grandfather that I do not know this boy and the circumstances as to how they had met.

Last night I received an irate phone call from Sally’s grandfather blaming me for the fact that his grand daughter is sexually active because I provided condoms which is the same as giving her permission to have sex. I did not tell him Sally was having sex before those condoms were giving to her. As a matter of fact, I didn’t say much of anything other than the fact that they were given to my daughter from me.

Was it my obligation to betray Sally’s confidence and tell her grandparents that she was sexually active? Was I wrong to provide condoms knowing Sally would end up with them? (Interesting fact, Sally’s mother had her at 16 and Sally’s grandmother had Sally’s Mom at 16).

2

I think you handled a very difficult situation about as best as you could.

3

“Welcome to 2012, grampa.” click

Clearly this man is still living in the 1950s. He’s of the mindset that when you give a kid a hammer everything’s a nail, and in a way he’s right, but in this case, his granddaughter is the nail.

Teenagers are gonna fuck. It’s just a fact. Give them the proper tools and at least they can do it safely. He’s the one being irresponsible, not you.

4

I also think you handled it as best as could be expected. I would not betray the friend’s confidence and simply tell the grandparents that it was clear that Sally was going to have sex with this boy based on things she had overheard, and that the safe thing to do was provide condoms rather than her having an unwanted pregnancy because she might otherwise have unprotected sex, and that she didn’t feel comfortable speaking to adults about it.

5

To answer the OP’s questions: No and hell, no.

Teens will have sex. Full stop. By providing your daughter’s friend with condoms you were not condoning her behavior but merely acknowledging reality, and providing her the means to protect herself. Obviously she can’t get them from her grandparents and doesn’t feel comfortable or is unwilling to get them herself.

Good for you.

It’s Sally’s business whether her guardians know about her sex life. That’s probably an arguable point, but that’s MHO.

6

It seems to me I’ve heard statistics that children of underage mothers will become mothers at early ages themselves.

I agree with zoid - the easiest thing for you would have been to close your eyes and not get involved in this situation, but the right thing was to talk to the 16 year old and give her good advice and make condoms available to her before she got pregnant. It’s unfortunate that this makes the grandparents mad at you, but you did the right thing for a young, naive girl.

7

You provided condoms to an underage girl knowing that her guardians would not approve. That is not appropriate, you substituted your judgement and morality for that of the parental authority. What happened was not your fault but you definetly crossed the line.

8

I agree with Lancia up until this:

You need to tell Sally that if she’s going to be a big girl and have big girl sex, she needs to grow up just a teensy bit more and be able to purchase a pack of condoms at the local Walgreens all by herself.

9

Well I would like to say this in defense of Sally’s grandfather: He’s a dickwad.

10

It wasn’t your obligation to betray Sally’s confidence, and it wasn’t wrong to provide condoms. IMHO, you did the right thing. Good for you. Kids are going to have sex whether or not their parents give them permission.

11

Meh. The health and safety of a a teenager is more important than her grandparent’s sense of authority.

12

Also, you did a good thing to betray Sally’s lie about your daughter knowing the driver. That was a really bad lapse in Sally’s judgement, and she needs to stop being so stupid in the future if she wants to be treated like an adult.

13

I think you handled a difficult situation very well. While I would have also encouraged Sally to buy some condoms herself, I’d do so knowing she probably wouldn’t, and I would still have (indirectly) given her some as you did. No need to risk someone’s life to make a point about mature behavior.

In my house, there’s a literal bucket full of condoms in the closet. When my summertime festivals are over, we always seem to have 100s of donated condoms left at First Aid, and nowhere climate controlled to store them ‘till next year, so they come home with me. All my friends of all ages, and my kids and my kids’ friends, know where The Condom Bucket is and that no questions will be asked. It diminishes in volume over the year, so I know someone’s taking advantage of it. Good. I also have a large stash of donated diapers. I’d rather not need to give those away!

14

I agree with what you’re saying to a point, but in my opinion, the end result (a 16 year old girl using condoms for sex instead of risking pregnancy and disease) was the higher good.

On preview, what Inner Stickler said.

15

I’d put 'em side-by-side with a little sign, “Free! Take your pick…”

16

She provided condoms to her own underage child. It is not her fault/responsibility/etc that Sally ended up with them.

17

Pretty much this. You are not the guardian or the parent of this child. Lending an ear and giving advice is one thing, effectively supplying a 16 year old with birth control knowingly using your daughter as conduit to deliver them to her buddy is stepping way over the line. Whether you agree or disagree with the grandparent on their position about their grand daughter’s sexual activity is one thing, supplying the daughter with condoms is something else entirely.

Your open relationship with you daughter does not give you carte blanche to be giving other people’s 16 year old kids birth control.

If I was the granddad and I was informed my 16 year old granddaughter is having sex and she is being transported to these midnight assignations via your 13 year old daughter’s buddy’s car, and that car hookup providing girl’s mom is the condom conduit in this scenario I would be pretty pissed off. You are not Planned Parenthood. Advice is one thing but supplying this non-related 16 year old with contraceptives is way, way beyond your level of presumed authority in this scenario.

18

Who cares about the guardian’s judgement? I mean, seriously, we should care about their judgement when the daughter is already having sex? Foxy did the right thing in a difficult circumstance. The girl needed to be using condoms.

19

I think you misunderstood. We do not know the boy providing the transportation. It was someone the kids met at the mall and my daughter has never seen the boy before or since.

20

Perfect!