Derek Jeter, how come you never call your mother? I’m sick and worried over you. Are you changing your underwear, Derek Jeter?
Are you hanging out with all those floozies, Derek Jeter? Whatever happened to Natalie? She was such a nice girl, Derek Jeter. When are you going to settle down and get yourself a really nice girl, Derek Jeter?
Oh yeah, Derek Jeter, your dad wanted me to say that your old friend Chuck said hi. We saw him at church the other day. He said “Tell Derek Jeter I said hi.” So here we are, telling our son, Derek Jeter, that his old friend Chuck said hi.
In any case…I hope you’re keeping clean underwear on. You never know what might happen. Are you getting enough to eat?
Oh well. I’ll talk to you another time, Derek Jeter. Call your mother!