Apparently you must live in a mansion if you want to have kids.

The BBQ Pit
1

This didn’t bother me at first, but after approximately the 25th repetition, I am beginning to experience The Rage ™.

Namely, I announce the news that we are expecting MiniWhatsit, and after the standard congratulations – sometimes even before – the very next question is, “So, you guys are going to be moving out of your apartment, right?”

MrWhatsit and I live in a two-bedroom apartment that is really quite spacious for our needs. Three bedrooms would be a slight improvement in that then we could have a dedicated office, rather than putting our computer equipment into one half of Whatsit Jr.'s room, but seeing as how Whatsit Jr. didn’t even HAVE his own room until about a month ago, it’s not really a big deal to us.

Yes, I expect that eventually we will need to move into a place that has an extra bedroom, when the kids are old enough to need a whole room all to themselves. But that day is pretty far in the future, still, and besides, I wasn’t aware that there was some rule saying that when you have children, you must immediately go into major debt and get yourself a large house and a big expensive car. (We’ve also had many queries about whether we plan to get rid of our elderly hatchback.)

I mean, come ON, people. Why is this the most important thing to ask about? Why is it automatically assumed that since we are having children, we must be moving into a bigger house? Is that really the most important thing to consider when having kids?

It’s really starting to drive me crazy, and I’m getting tired of politely smiling and saying, “No, we think our apartment will be just fine.” I often have the impulse to go into a long, defensive explanation of why our apartment is acceptable, and then I realize, I don’t have to justify my living situation to these people! I’m almost starting to wish they’d stick with the more usual annoying questions, like “How are you feeling?” and, “So, was this planned?”

Maybe next time somebody asks if we’re planning on moving, I’ll just tell them, yes, we have a 15-bedroom home all picked out, but we can’t move in until they finish construction of the helicopter landing pad next to the Olympic-sized swimming pool.

2

You can pick your friends, but you don’t pick your family, an important point to consider when they give you advice.

3

First of all, congratulations on the upcoming new one!
You don’t need more space now - but in a few years, you will, especially if you’re considering a second child. I can’t really explain why - it has something to do with mass quantities of tiny toys that hurt like hell when you step on them.

No reason to run out and purchase a SUV, though. No, no!!

4

I don’t know, it seems like a reasonable chit-chat kind of question to me. I mean, babies and all their shit take up a lot of room, and many couples do move to a larger space either during pregnancy or soon after the birth. Same for the car. Lots of people decide that their small, elderly cars just aren’t big enough to handle the carseats and such, or aren’t reliable enough to trust with the baby. That’s how I got my car, in fact. The backseat’s just not big enough to comfortably fit a carseat, so they got rid of it not long after the baby was born.

Of course, if someone gets annoyed when you ask how they’re feeling, there’s probably no such thing as harmless chit-chat.

5

I agree that kids don’t need 95% of what the public (and Babies R Us) say they need.

They need a little space, a few toys, an outfit or two, food, and a lot of love.

Don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise.

Autz (mom to 3, pregnant with #4)

6

Congratulations!

I agree that a two-bedroom apartment should be ample, at least for now; but as for the elderly hatchback, you may find, and rather quickly, that the bending and twisting required to put a baby into a carseat may produce far more back pain than you’re willing to live with. Small as they seem to be, babies get HEAVY, and especially with the first, unless you’re working out intensively already, your arms really don’t catch up with their weight for about two years. (Especially since the little monsters keep GROWING just as you’re getting used to their current weight.)

But again, that’s a decision for you guys to make for yourself. And even if you do decide to change vehicles, an SUV is NOT mandatory. Please!

I’m all in favor of a stupid, smartass answer. Don’t forget the sixteen guest cottages that the decorator hasn’t quite finished with yet, and the fencing for the horse pastures, though. :smiley:

7

You might like having a basement or attic to put the kids in when they need to be…er… taught something.

One of the nice things about a house, though, is letting the kids (or pets) play in the backyard.

Plus, with kids, you will gain in the stuff department. It just seems inevitable. But, if you can do it in an apartment and are happy with it, I say “More power to you.”

8

To clarify two points: 1) This is the second baby, not the first. “Whatsit Jr.”, referenced in my OP, is currently 17 months old.

  1. We have a four-door hatchback! You just can’t find them these days, but they’re great. I concur, it’s no fun to try to get a kid in and out of the back seat in a two-door car.

And to address a few other comments… yeah, a lot of people do move into a larger place and get a nicer car. What bugs me is that a lot of friends/family are simply making the assumption that we will be doing the same. It’s the attitude of “You can’t POSSIBLY mean to raise two children in an apartment! You MUST be moving, RIGHT?” that really cheeses me off.

The annoyance with “So, how are you feeling?” isn’t so much because it’s a dumb question; more the “death of a thousand cuts” factor. When it’s the first or second question out of everyone’s mouth every single time they run into you, it gets kind of old, especially because nobody is really interested in hearing all about your round ligament pain and your groin cramps and the mild nausea that smelling grilled salmon induces in you, so you invariably wind up just saying, “Oh, fine” and nodding benignly.

During my previous pregnancy, I was seriously considering making up a T-shirt that read “January 31/Boy/Feeling Fine”.

9

You can raise two kids in an apartment. The question is whether you can raise two kids in an apartment comfortably. :wink:

(One kid, three-bedroom home, and it’s doable… but an extra 500 square feet would be great. In my dreams, buddy.)

10

MsWhatsit,

Boy, do I understand how you feel!

We are expecting our first baby in December.
Our home has a modern layout - which basically means that while our home is a good size (1700-1800 sq ft) it really only has one bed room. All the other rooms, other than the kitchen) open up into each other.

We have decided to wait about a year before deciding what we will do: add on or move. We figured we will put the crib in our bedroom and go from there: We really love our home and we love our neighborhood.

Well, you would not believe how shocked people are when I tell them we won’t have a nursery. People are shocked that I am not having a ‘theme’ that will encompass every single detail of the room right down to the garbage can.

When I explain our situation, people look at me like I am absolutely crazy. How could I possibly not want Winnie-the-pooh bed sheets, shelves, dolls, diaper pails, diaper holders, etc?

I understand that people are making chitchat and I usually don’t mind. It’s usually after the fourth “What do you mean no nursery?!” that I start to get miffed.

…don’t even get me started on the looks I get when I tell them that NO, I am NOT getting rid of the Mini Cooper. Period. I have zero desire for an SUV and hey, imagine this: people in Europe have kids all the time and manage just dandy with a small car. We had three kids in our family and my parents drove a VW bug. We did OK, people. We really did!

MsWhatsit, I feel for you. Next time someone gives you the same song and dance, know that you have a fellow doper here in the same boat.

11

Bad News Baboon, I feel your pain. Whatsit Jr. didn’t have his own room until last month, when he was 16 months old. We had an extra room that we could have used as his bedroom, but we chose not to. I saw no point, as he was still sleeping with us. What am I going to do with a infant’s nursery, besides use it as furniture storage? And, we got similar reactions: “MY GOD! I think it’s illegal not to have a nursery with matching thematic window shades, wall hangings, and changing table!”

What bothers me the most is that some people seem genuinely upset when we tell them that no, we’re not planning on giving the baby his own room, no, we’re not planning on moving into a big house, and no, we’re not planning on getting rid of the small car. Sort of like it’s tantamount to child abuse, or something. I also love the people who nod knowingly and say, “Oh, you’ll change your mind.” Yeah, because they know so much better than we do what will work for our family situation.

MrWhatsit and I try in many ways to follow a philosophy of living simply and non-ostentatiously. This is very, very difficult for a lot of people to understand and I think a lot of them take it as a personal affront. Like, they convinced themselves that they really did need to move into a bigger house, so the fact that we’re getting along fine with 1-soon-to-be-2 kids in an apartment is some kind of challenge. Well, darnit, it’s not a challenge! If those people need a bigger house, that’s all cool with us. I really don’t care. Not everybody is happy having a combined child’s room/computer room. I understand that. But we are perfectly happy with it, and I wish all our friends and family would make some kind of minimal effort to understand it.

12

ITA agree. My kids never had a nursery, crib, or changing table, and they came out fine. :slight_smile:

I also didn’t use a stroller with my first until he was sitting up – he liked the sling better – and I took a lot of flack for that. I had a small car as well, and a stroller would have taken all of the storage space!

Add in the comments I got for using cloth diapers, breastfeeding, and delaying solid foods, and I got to be very adept at letting jibes roll off my back!

They want to show you that they care for you, so they try to help with their comments (sometimes), and so I tried to take them in the spirit they were intended – which usually wasn’t snarky.

13

It’s going to be a couple of years before you really want to put that kid in its own room.

And until the child is at least four, it’s not going to have a clue what it needs or wants or what other children have. Deciding all that is YOUR job.

I don’t think there’s any huge tearin’ hurry.

14

Congrats on the newest MiniWhatsit!

SO and I want to look into moving into a condo or a townhouse after we get married and move to the Great Beyond (New Mexico) because neither of us particularly wants the hassle of a large yard to take care of - we’re not outdoors-ly inclined, so it’s more of a hindrance to us. And we refuse to get an SUV or a mini-van (well, we’ll get a mini-van if we have more than three kids, and that just isn’t going to happen), but we’re both dying for a Mini-Cooper. We figure with one of our current four-doors (either a Saturn or my Kia Rio) and a Mini-Cooper, there’s more than enough room for us, and one or two kids - we do NOT need a huge car that eats a ton of gas. Obviously, though, we’re odd for not wanting a McMansion or a bigger car. What’s funny is that we did fine in my family growing up in a small three-bedroom house and driving regular small sedans. My kids will be fine with the same. Bigger isn’t always better.

Ava

15

I’ve known kids that have grown up in two bedroom apartments that sleep three kids and no car whatsoever. Most of my friends shared rooms even when they were teenagers. They grew up fine. Try finding an older suburb one day. You’ll realize that the middle class of a few decades ago wouldn’t even recognize the middle class of today. How many older homes middle-class homes have more than one bathroom? And yet today houses will have more bathrooms than occupents.

These people are just trying to justify their own spending habits. It makes them uncomfortable to see people living a life that isn’t a big spend-a-thon. They want a McMansion and a couple of SUVs and probably went into pretty heavily into debt to get it. Now they just have to convince themselves that they needed it, and one of the ways they can do that is to convince you that you need it, too.

16

Tell those busybodies that you want your kids to share a room in order to “build character”! :slight_smile:

17

Oh, gah! The nursery thing drives me batty!

We happened to have a spare room to make a nursery. But we weren’t going to “decorate,” or even re-paint. We figured we’d save the money and effort, and do the room up when he’s old enough to care. Boy, did that make people nuts! We did pick out some matching bedding, and chose a few matching accessories that we wanted (wall organizer and mobile), and that seemed to make people feel better. God forbid a baby isn’t raised in a theme room!

Anyway, we never really used the nursery, other than the changing area. He slept in a bassinet or with us, and played in the living room. So, we re-arranged the house a bit to put him in a bigger room. We still don’t use the nursery. He still sleeps with us and plays downstairs. People often ask to see the nursery–and are pretty shocked to see a room that is obviously used only for storage of crap.

Anyway, what do people think parents in NYC do? I mean, we’re not talking about “different cultures” or “low income” people, here. Middle class people in NYC raise two or more kids in apartments way smaller than what you probably have all the time. And they’re considered incredibly lucky to have a two-bedroom.

Congratulations on the new one!

18

Yeah, welcome to my life. Unfortunately, it’s apparently fine to do that to childless-by-choice people, but not parents. Sucks, don’t it?

19

Heh. My husband’s family lived in a one-bedroom apartment with four children. They all slept in the bedroom and his folks slept in the living room. They did this for a good 15 years! No one died. And they had CATS, too! Some people are just too friggin’ nosey.

20

I just wanted to clarify that last post. I’m not trying to hijack the thread or anything. It’s just that people (on this board, even) defend that sort of comment with the argument that most people do change their minds eventually. Somehow, though, what most people do doesn’t matter when you’re talking parenting decisions.

So, if I can find a cite to show that most people do move into a bigger place or get a bigger car after the second kid, can I give you a patronizing pat on the arm and tell you you’ll change your mind? Just once? I’ll leave out the smug smile if you want. :slight_smile: I just want to see how it feels. Judging from the frequency people do it to me, it must be awfully fun.