Appropriate punishment for a 13-yr old who admits to smoking?

In My Humble Opinion
21

god, i’d call the ‘smoke the whole pack, son’ idea child abuse. are you guys crazy?

and the ‘show him the nasty effects of smoking idea’ isn’t great either. he’ll just be bored and think ‘yeah, but these people have been smoking for 50 years. i’m just smoking now, not for 50 years’.

teenagers can’t picture themselves tomorrow, let alone in 20 years time. i know, i am one.

the stopping the money thing is good, but not a permenant solution.

if he does play sport, play this aspect up. he’s more likely to stop smoking if he knows that it’s effecting him now. sport is one area where the effects are immediatly noticeable.

finally, i guess you may have to accept that he’ll do it anyway. it’s tough, and it sure won’t please you, (it wouldn’t please me in your situation), but some kids are just going to keep smoking until they’re good and ready to quit. that could be 3 months, 3 years or 30 years.

22

Lots of good ideas here, I have one more angle to try. He’s a 13 year old boy right? So the most important thing to him is GIRLS. Tell him to call up any dating or matchmaking service and see how many women want to date a smoker. A friend of mine who smokes tried a dating service and got 2 matches…normal response is 50-60. And the ONLY difference was because he smoked. Plus all the effects smoking has on his sex life…you probably don’t want to think about that but believe me, it’s on his mind.
At 13 long-term affects probably won’t bother him, but I’m sure he thinks now, as all smokers once did (I started at 16 and just quit about a month ago) that he won’t get addicted. But over 90% of smokers do end up addicted.
The money angle is a good one too, kids care about that. I think anything that affects him now is more likely to have an impact .
I would be careful if you make him smoke a whole bunch, there is the possibility of nicotene poisoning, esp. with someone that young.
Good luck!

23

How much does he smoke? Where does he get his $?

I’m not sure an occasional smoke by a teen is entirely a bad thing. I sure don’t consider it healthy, but nor is it a gateway drug.

Regarding the decreased stamina etc., one thing that realy disappointed me when I stopped my 3 ppd habit, was that I did not feel as tho I had any more wind than before. Maybe I did, but I did not perceive it.

I’m not sure what the “right” answer is, but this is what I can imagine myself doing.

I would stop giving the kid any money, either for allowance, chores, lunch, etc. I also would probably prohibit him from working for others for , or would insist that it all go to a bank account. I would present it as a matter of responsibility, and not wanting my to go towards tobacco.

I would consider having him empty his pockets and backpack every time he entered the house. Smell his fingers and breath - that sort of thing. This I would present as a matter of trust. He betrayed it, and if I can’t trust my kids - “my house, my rules!”

Talk to his friends, their parents, teachers, etc. Find out how common smoking is in his crowd. See if a united front is possible. If he hangs with the crowd who are “the smokers,” consider what you can do to discourage that.

More constructively, tho, I’d try a more positive approach. We have told our kids that if they don’t smoke, do drugs, drink, or get pregnant or married before they turn 21, we’ll buy them cars. Maybe we’ll just encourage them to be secretive about such things!

Hopefully I won’t have to address this for a while. Last night we watched TV and one of those “Ask your kid about drugs” ads came on. So I asked my 14 year old “Do you do drugs or do you know anyone who does?” She said yes, she knows one girl who smokes. Maybe she was lying, but I don’t think so.

24

There’s some REALLY good ideas here. I suggest combining most of them.

  1. I like the “make him smoke a bunch of them” idea. But buy the good stuff. You don’t want to have him justify smoking again by saying that only the cheap stuff will make him sick.

  2. Call up the dating service. Pull out the singles ads and point out all the “N/S” entries.

  3. Take him to the hospital. Show him the black lungs. Talk to ex-smokers.

  4. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT! Tell him if he quits for good, in 6 months he gets that dog. If he smokes just once after that, the dog is being sent to cousin Gary.

You need to show him exactly how serious you are, and the reasons you are serious (smoking is bad, you love him, smoking is unhealthy, smoking is dangerous, you love him).

The fact is, to a 13 year old, smoking IS cool. Actually, to a 20 year old, smoking is cool. But you have to prove to him that it is also stupid.

25

I’m not a parent, nor an authority figure of any kind. But here are my two cents:

Don’t punish him by taking away priviledges. That makes it a me vs. them thing, it’s an arbitrary punishment. I doubt it’ll actually affect his attitude towards smoking, unless it makes him think that smoking makes him even more of a rebel than he already is.

I like the ideas of making the cigarettes the enemy, not you. The smoking a whole lot would work, but yes, it is slightly abusive. However, if it does work, it’s totally for his own good, and the health benefits from never smoking again would totally outweigh the disadvantages from smoking so much at a time.

The calculations and research paper sound good, but also a little bizarre and cheesy. He might just take it as a “stupid parent” thing.

26

I would suggest you don’t make him smoke an entire carton. I have tried cigarettes exactly once, and I absolutely loved it. I crave them all the time…and I only had 1! Two years ago! I carton will probably make him sick…but also form a pretty wicked addiction.

I’d cut off the money, but if he’s getting cigarettes from his friends, that may work.

27

Well, Mr. Blue, this might not work for you, and it could well backfire on you, but my first thought was:

Take him jogging.

Go on a 5-mile run. Then do it again tomorrow night. And the next. And the next. You’ll both get a lot of exercise, you’ll get to spend some quality time together, and he’ll get a positive example of what his lungs can and cannot do for him, depending on how much he smokes.

28

ont think you might point out to your wife:

This needs a different type of punnishment than whatever you normally do (phone privledges) because it is a different **type[b/] of misbehavoir, not justa different degree of behavoir. You want it clear in his head and your own that this is not in the same catagory as missing curfew or lying about whose house he is going over to or not doing his homework or getting into a fight. This is risking his life.

If the punnishment for smoking is the same as the punnishment for these lesser things, he is not going to understand how serious smoking is–he’ll lump it in with all those othrr things as something parents have an unreasonable hang-up about.

I want to strongly suggest that you follow wring’s suggestions about the money. COntrol all of his funds, and while he may still bum the occasional cigarette off his friends, it won’t be many, if for no other reason than that they wil quickly realize he isn’t going to be able to recipocate. PLus, the ight of you having to walk up to the marquee and buy his movie ticket, and then hand it to him before driving away is going to sting.

29

Concerning the “carrot” system, one possible result is having the kid do whatever he does in moderation. While I would prefer my kid not smoke, do drugs, have sex, etc., if they were to do so occasionally it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. At the very least, I hope they learn to do so responsibly. Don’t smoke so that it becomes a habit, don’t drink or do drugs and drive, don’t have unprotected sex, etc.

So even if the kid sneaks a cig once in a while, he won’t be doing it regularly such that he might be seen and ruin his chance at the reward.

It is really tough being a parent and trying to tell your kid not to do a bunch of things you did (or wanted to do) at their age.

30

I’m sorry, but that’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard. If a 13 year old kid occassionally smokes, he’s not at risk?!? You’ve got to be kidding me. Nicotine is one of the most addictive substances we put in our bodies. One cigarette is capable of creating an addiction. Occassional cigarettes is not an acceptable alternative, especially for someone so young. While he may have every intention of not smoking enough to become a habit, I doubt any smoker in existence today began with the intention of becoming an addicted smoker. I also doubt that there is any significant population of people who occassionally smoked without becoming addicted.

31

Figured I’d get a reaction like yours, Munch. IMO you are over-reacting somewhat. Further, you are suggesting a world of brightlines that is unlike the one I live in.

Fine, if that works for you and your kids (sorry if I missed it, but how many do you have and what are their ages?)

I have all kinds of hopes and dreams for my kids, and strong ideas of what I tink is right or wrong. And while I will definitely do my darndest to steer them in what I consider the right direction, I have no illusion that they will turn out exactly how I imagine. Nor do I want that to happen.

I have no difficulty thinking of a heck of a lot of things my kids could do that would bother me much more and that are a heck of a lot less reversible than trying an occasional cigarette.

32

I am grateful for the advice. Hopefully, I won’t have to use any of it. I found out today, though, that his half-brother has been smoking, too. They’re about the same age. In fact, they’ve been smoking together.

Hoo-boy.

His father and step-mother smoke, but have promised to try and stop doing it in front of them.
I like the idea of money control. I figure that I would let him have money, but require him to present a receipt for whatever he buys. In other words, he’ll have to account for every penny. That way, he won’t have the opportunity to buy the smokes, well, get someone to buy them for him, AND it might just help him with his math (sneaky, eh?).

33

Don’t punish him at all. Let him smoke, but dont’ buy his cigarettes for him.

If he’s smart, he’ll quit before he hurts himself. If he’s weak/stupid, he’ll wake up 50 years old with emphysema and a really bad chronic hacking cough. That’ll teach him.

34

I’m in a twisted variation of your situation: I think (though I’m not sure) that my best friend has started smoking again. I don’t live in the same town because of school, and only see her a couple of times a year, so the evidence is slim, but when we used to go to school together, I was always the most adamant about not smoking, and she knew it. A few times in the past year, though, she has talked about smoking at parties or whatnot, when she’s been drinking or when too many other people are smoking around her. She blames is on her “addictive personallity”, which I think is bullshit, because when you KNOW something’s going to tempt you into doing something you don’t want to do, you avoid the situation, right? And she’s a psychology major. Go figure. :rolleyes: Even her admitting that much, though, had to be dragged otu of her, which makes me think she’s been smoking much more often than she says.

But anyways, I know how annoying it is to see someone begin this horrible habit, and then not be able to figure out how to prevent it or get them to stop. It used to be that my getting mad at her for it was enough to prevent her from doing it, but I don’t think I really have that influence anymore, since I’m not there all the time.
Sorry this is a bit of a hijack, but I just felt like mentionning this, since it seemed like a place to get this off my mind. I hope you can find a way to help your stepson see that it’s just not worth it. I agree that the money angle is probably the best - if he can’t afford them, and he’s ALWAYS bumming off others, he’s going to lose his smoker “friends” of his, and maybe fall in with a better gang. Or, at least, he just won’t smoke when he’s with them.

35

I began smoking at the age of 12. My mother tried to cut off my cash supply to keep me from buying cigarettes. Unfortunately, I was a conniving and manipulating child. The night after I was told that I wasn’t going to get money from her, I headed for her purse and helped myself. I hate to rag on my mom, but she must have been really dense. She didn’t notice for a few weeks. When she finally confronted me, I lied to her face. I knew exactly what strings to pull to make her feel guilty for accusing me. If you’re going to use that idea, watch your pocketbook. If the kid ends up stealing from you, I suggest pressing criminal charges against him. I know I wouldn’t have stolen from my mom again if something drastic had been done.
Are you friends with any police officers? Maybe you could have him arrested for smoking. I got 3 smoking tickets before I turned 18. For the first two, I was fined $300 combined. Then smoking became a more serious issue in that area, so my 3rd got me a year of probation and 30 days in juvie. (I didn’t have to serve them, though; I was this close to graduating high school, so the judge said something about suspended sentence, bla bla bla.) I was in shock by that point… jailtime for smoking?! Admittedly, I haven’t quit, but if my parents had pushed harder, I might not have continued smoking.

36

Make a deal with the kid–find out how much he smokes, then tell him if he will save the money he spends on cigarettes, you will match it. Show him how compound interest works and talk about the really cool car/motorcycle he can buy when he is old enough. Explain to him that it is really dificult to take a girl out on a cigarette pack, but a car is ideal for the purpose. Ordering a kid that age not to smoke and punishing him when he does is counterproductive, or at least it was for me.

37

I have to say that rewarding the kid for not smoking probably isn’t a good idea. At least it would have backfired with me. I’d think that if I do something stupid and get caught, I’ll get money or some other reward for not doing it again. What a sweet deal. Hmm, maybe next time I’ll see what I can get for smoking pot.

I do agree with making the kid smoke the rest of the pack of cigs right in front of you, one after another. When I was 13 I got extremely sick from chewing tobacco. To make a long story short, I swallowed more than I was supposed to and was throwing up for hours. That was my first and last experience with chew. I never want to feel that way again.

38

I would have this be the second phase, like after two or three weeks of you physically spending all of his money for him. Why? Because it’s a pain in the butt for you, and he needs to see that his not smoking is important enough for you that you are willing to do all this to make sure he is supervised properly. Furthermore, the embarressment of having you do these things is a big part of the problem.

On a side note, you’ve made it sound like there is a lot of tension about htis between you and your wife. Might I suggest that you show her the pictures of the blackened lungs and the tales of quarts of pus having to be scrapped out of them? It occurs to me that she may be thinking of trying out cigarettes as a boys-will-be-boys thing, and hasn’t actually thought about her baby dying a pinful death. Furthermore, this will show her that
you are more scared than angry. I suspect that whenever you are angry at he boy, your wife feels guilty: after all, it’s her son who is making you unhappy, and this puts her in a terrible position. The obvious (and wrong) solution to this is to try and convince you that you shouldn’t be angry, that it isn’t really a big deal. By approaching the issue as you being scared for the boy, it becomes an emotion she can share with you, not an icky emotion that she caused and has to fix.

39

I could probably find a police officer to help, but if the kid gets fined $300, who do you think is going to have to pay the fine?

My wife knows the dangers of smoking. Her mother smoked from the time she woke up, literally, until she went to bed. She died of cancer. She told the boy that and it didn’t phase him one bit. He definitely feels guilty about smoking, but not enough to stop, apparently.

If the problem gets worse, he’ll end up having to stay with his father for a while. His father promises it won’t be a trip to Sunnybrook Farm. This is a rare occasion where my wife and her ex agree on something.

The fact that he TRIED smoking is not a big deal. I may have taken one puff of a cigarette when I was his age. That was more than enough. I’m not completely out of it. I know kids are curious and like to experiment with things they aren’t supposed to do. Unfortunately, some people are more prone to addiction than others.

40

I agree with those who have already put forth the idea of making the kid smoke cig after cig until he pukes. Then make him smoke some more, until he gags up long ropes of spit. Then make him smoke another. (Don’t start with a pack though. Get a whole carton.) The “child abuse” accusation is strictly for the faint of heart. I don’t think there are very many judges who would throw the book at you for trying this ancient, time-honored method of avoidance therapy. And using money and promises are only making the situation worse.

I smoked like a crematorium for about 10 years before I decided to quit. Would that I had never picked up that filthy habit! I don’t even WANT to know how much money I threw down that toilet. Smoking sucks, smokers are suckers.

PS I would not trust the father and stepmom to not smoke in the kid’s presence, as they say they will. After a short interim they will find their promise to be inconvenient to THEM, and so go back to smoking wherever and whenever the hell they feel like it. That’s what smokers do.