Appropriate punishment for a 13-yr old who admits to smoking?

In My Humble Opinion
41

My sister and I lost both parents to smoking-related disease; neither of us has ever smoked (actually, that’s not true - aged 4 I tried emulating Mum when she went out of the room and promptly puked my guts up over rich friend’s carpet; another story).

She’s got two teenaged kids who are pretty much as influenced by peer pressure as anyone else.

She’s also on-the-ball. If one of her kids started smoking, she’d -know-.

She has promised them both that if they’ve not smoked by aged 18 she’ll give each of them 1000 pounds (about 1500 dollars).

Both kids are smart enough to realise this is a fair wad of money, and are both sticking to it. The fact that the elder (16) already does a once-a-week dishwashing job is giving him a very healthy respect for money, both from the perspective of wasting it on cancer-sticks and the fact that in under 2 yrs he gets a wodge of it.

Wouldn’t work for all kids, I suspect, but certainly seems to be working for these two.

42

For what it’s worth:

Peers are the biggest influence on whether or not kids smoke, but interestingly, the second biggest influence is…movies. Kids see movies where the characters smoke and it looks cool and you don’t see any consequences for the behavior.

Leaving that aside, here’s another couple of thoughts:

whatever actions you choose to take, I think it’s in your best interests to make sure it’s something both you AND your wife enthusiastically agree on. Kids are adept at sensing ambivalence. As well, it may be best for your wife (his mother) to dole out the consequences.

Another thing to consider is for you and your wife to sit down with him and just ask him what he finds intriguing about smoking and listen without judgment or comment. “Seek first to understand, then be understood.” Is it boredom, experimentation, trying to fit in, something that looks cool or knows it might drive his parents nuts?

Listening to him doesn’t condone the behavior, but it may give you useful information about the context he is in.

43

That is a good point. Young teens often have much more fear/respect for certain other people than they do for their parents. What will probably work is not punishment but shame. I would have an adult that you stepson respects pull them off to the side and give them a shame thrashing. Heavy emphasis of “you are better than that” and “you are better than those other boys” might do the trick. The adult could be clergy, a teacher, a coach, etc.

44

“Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray…”

I do know social only smokers. They never smoke, then you go out with them for happy hour, and they bum a smoke to go with their beer.

I also know two guys who are smokers who started in their 20s.

So there are no rules, only generalities.

Good luck.

(I’m fondest of the cutting of the money route. At 13, the only place he’s getting it is from you).

45

Some people seem to be suffering from a misconception that teenagers are incapable of long-range thinking. Bullshit. Your kid is going to have to make decisions about things like smoking, drinking, and other activities on his own at some point. You might be able to control those decisions for him now, when he is 13, but what about when he is 16? 18? 22? …

It is very important that he be equipped to make these decisions with solid reasons, because as he grows older, he will come to rely less on what you have said and more on what he himself can see. Fortunately, it should not be hard for him to see reasons why smoking is unhealthy. I think the idea of a well-researched paper is excellent, because it will present him with those reasons (and whatever counter-reasons there may be), and because it will be he who is discovering the reasons on his own and for himself, not you shoving them down his throat.

Things like punishing him and taking away his money attack the short-term problem but do nothing in the long term. For example, as a high school junior, with no job and no car, I would have no problem going out every Friday and Saturday night and getting drunk and smoking. A lack of money or transportation or whatever is not a problem if you have friends. This is why I said that you might be able to control his smoking now, when he is 13, but even at that age, it is likely that he can still find a way to circumvent all your preventative measures. That type of security through obscurity is fundamentally flawed and is always weak and subject to failure. Education with the goal of preparing him to make an informed decision is a much better option.

If all your attempts at education fail, then you can resort to strictly punishing him, but quite frankly you probably will just end up with a continuing problem. This is not to say that I don’t think punishment has its place, just that I think first doing your best to make sure your son understands why smoking is bad is a much more important and more powerful step, and will alleviate the need for ongoing punishment if it is successful.

I don’t necessarily agree with an argument from economics, because while smoking is expensive, so are many other activities. He may not be dissuaded just because something is expensive, especially if he finds he really likes it. It can’t hurt to throw it out there, but I wouldn’t make it a main focus: the main focus should be his health and how he will be affected physically by continued smoking. I also really don’t buy the idea of rewarding him for not smoking. Excuse me? Since when were you supposed to be rewarded for doing what is expected of you and what is good for you? I think that is a bad idea and can set a bad precedent in other aspects of his life. Furthermore, you really shouldn’t underestimate his ability to do things without your knowledge: you’re not going to be there to hold his hand in every situation where he’ll have to make this type of decision, but the education you give him always will be there. If his only motivation is getting some sort of reward, he is being driven by the wrong desires, and won’t make decisions on a foundation anywhere near as sound as a solid education.

That’s my general advice, as a high school junior who can still remember pretty vividly the age of 13 and the 3 years that follow it.

46

I think I was pretty close to this kid’s age when my parents caught me, my sister, and my brother smoking. At the time, my dad smoked Camel Straights (no filter). They thought that they’d make us all sit down and chain smoke my dad’s cigs. None of us actually got sick, but we all must have come pretty close (I know I did) because we begged my parents to let us stop. The next day we were all hanging out in the waaaaaaaay backyard, smoking and laughing about the previous day’s events.

“Dude, I almost puked!” “Me too!!” “Wow, I can’t believe they actually MADE us smoke…” etc.

As I type this, I’m smoking a Camel Light. My sister smokes Marlboro Light 100s, and my brother smokes Marlboro Reds. So I guess it didn’t work then. :frowning:

Good luck to you.

47

It’s always good to get lots of different viewpoints on a touchy subject like this.

I’m sure that there’s the possibilty that whatever punishment I mete out will be largely forgotten or absorbed, I feel that I must do something if nothing more than to show him who’s “boss” :rolleyes:.

I hope it shows him that I DO care about him and his health and future. I’m afraid it’ll turn into a no-win situation, but I’d rather him hate me and be healthy.

48

Punishment may help, but I do not believe that it will solve your problem. If he is continuing to smoke at this point, he probably has some sort of addiction. Punishment is not going to get rid of that addiction, just teach him how to hide it.

Taking away money is a good idea, although he may still be able to get cigs from his friends or willing adults. Also, you mentioned that he was smoking with his half brother who’s parents smoke, which means that he could get the money from his half brother or steal the cigs from the parents. He’s 13, so he can be creative if he has to, the thing is to make it as hard as possible for him to get them, and kick the habit at the same time.

My friend has smoked since the 6th grade, even tried to stop several times for money reasons. The punishments that his parents gave him when they found out (which was rarely, he hid it well) did not effect him, he was already addicted, and besides his friends were doing it too. Now at 16, he is trying to quit smoking once again, but its hard for him. Gum, rubber bands, even patches (if he’s old enough, I don’t know if there is an age restriction or not) can help your step-son knock the habit in the butt. The only problem here is that he would have to want to quit, which can be done by showing him the ill-effects of tobacco and the cost.

Also, what are his grades like in school? Is he independent or does he need to feel like part of the group? Are the people he hangs out with into smoking, drinking, etc? Find out all these things, peer pressure can be hard when your trying to stay with a crowd, if he’s hanging out with the wrong group he could find himself in more trouble than just smoking cigs.

49

He’s doing ok in school, but I don’t think Harvard will be calling any time soon. I know that sounds cruel, but I am a realist. The biggest problem (and I guess I should have mentioned this before) is that he is much more physically mature than the majority of boys his age at school. He’ 5’8" and lanky. He’s got acne (and not the good kind, the kind that can scar if not treated properly (and we are)). Like many boys his age, he thinks he’s the baddest mo-fo around. In reality, he’s just a wannabe (like most boys his age). He complains that the other 13-yr-olds only want to talk about “baby stuff” like Dragonball Z.

He has mentioned that he wants to change schools. He currently attends the private school where his mother teaches. Having your mom teach at your school is like having a cop or preacher as a parent. The rebellion is a given. Right now, he’s a big fish in a very little pond. He would not last a week in a public school. He would be quick to mouth to the wrong person and get the crap beaten out of him. Of course, you couldn’t convince HIM of that.

50

. POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT! Tell him if he quits for good, in 6 months he gets that dog. If he smokes just once after that, the dog is being sent to cousin Gary

The dog is totally innocent. Don’t give the dog away because a kid makes a bad decision!!!

My advice would be to talk with him and figure out why he is smoking. He may not even know, so you may have to help him understand his motives…they may be subconscious. This would be very important info. Once you get that information, you could work on a strategy for dealing with this.

51

Well you could sit down and watch the movie Dead Again.

Seriously.

It’s a really cool noirish thriller with Ken Brannagh and Emma Thompson and Robin Williams has a bit part.

Ken’s character is trying to quit smoking through the film. He finally does when he visits a very old Andy Garcia who talks with one of those boxes and then actually smokes through the hole in his throat. It made Ken quit on the spot.

52

Big professional secret here, don’t pass it around:
You need to find out why he smokes. You need to ask him in a manner that will be safe for him to tell you the truth. Then you need to listen with 150% effort to what he is saying. Not talk, but listen respectfully to what he says. Remember it. Sit down, think about what he has said, and come up with some ideas. This is a good way to handle lots of problems.
Now for speculating. I think kids do this because they want respect from their peers and to rebel against authority. Part of the solution might be to try to interest him in the swim or track team. This gets him away from people who smoke, as swimmers or runners can’t compete and smoke. Next is to treat him as a human being. As difficult as it may be to respectfully listen to him talking about N’Sync or such other uninteresting garbage, listen without getting into the “in my day we listened to…” stuff.

53

i have three major assessments due in the next week. (18 year old first year i am). have i started them? no.

teenagers are incapable of long-range thinking.

54

No, you are incapable of long-range thinking. Other teenagers, however, are perfectly capable of it. I happen to fall into the latter category, as do many of us. Don’t generalize for a whole group because of your own personal situation.

55

I want to reiterate what I and others have said about sitting down and listening to him talk about why he smokes.

Feeling as though you don’t belong can be an extreme motivator at that age. The problem is, smoking is the sort of behavior that is very hard to stop even if the reasons for having started no longer exist.

I think that’s why a number of people have said that listening to him nonjudgmentally before meting out any punishment might be a good idea. By the way - if he comes up with a solution himself, go for it. If he knows of something that will help this situation, it’s worth a try.