For the millionth time, yes, if you want me to HELP you, if you want me to move my slightly-less-fat-since-I’ve-been-working-out-and-eating-right ass off my chair and assist you with whatever your current technical difficulty is you must call the HELP desk. I am not the HELP desk. I’m just the technician who MAY be assigned your problem.
Don’t call me to ask me if you have to call the help desk. If you think you might have to call the help desk then just freaking call them.
Amen. And thank Anubis for caller ID.
…and another thing. When it’s pouring raining and you’re on the highway, put on your freaking headlights! I know your incessant breaking occasionally lets the people behind you know you’re there, but on the rare occasion you take your foot off the “rain drop pedal” it’s hard to see you.
Hey assholes! If you’re not going to buy the house, don’t sign a Purchase & Sales agreement. Damn, I thought I was rid of it.
Dear Whiny Bitch in my online community:
Here is the email I was too diplomatic to send you. I’m so, so, so very sorry that I called you out when you were harassing the new member scared by her admittedly very scary diagnosis. And I’m so incredibly sorry that her posting frequency, fears, and problems with her doctor were so insulting to you on a personal level. However, I fail to see why you needed to be a bitch about it. Yes, I said “be a bitch.” Oh, does that offend as well? Shame. There are much harsher words I can call you, but I’m working on reserving Language for extreme circumstances and your petty bitchiness doesn’t fulfill that requirement.
Only two people had a problem with you, you say? Darling, you have yet to learn the Rule of Safe Spaces: if one person complains, that means a lot of other people have a problem as well but are too “nice” to say anything. Also, you have not idea how many people messaged me to complain for the simple reason that you cannot read my private messages. Trust me, you pissed off a lot more people than you think you did with your “helpful” suggestions.
Oh, other people gave the same advice but weren’t slapped down? Why let me give you a brief analysis of y’all’s comments in order to explain to you why they were being nice and you were violating the “don’t be a jerk” rule (I actually did the analysis in the email). Don’t push me on this, chica. I not only have a BS degree that allows me to spot bullshit from a mile away, I’m working on a MA that permits me to be a major asshole when I point it out.
Oh you won’t be rejoining because you feel wronged? Don’t let the door hit you where the good lord split you. Oh and you regret this because based on my user information I looked like someone you might have liked to befriend? Feeling ain’t mutual, hon. I befriend fruitbats, weirdos, normal people, and trendsetters, but I don’t befriend entitled bitches who think that their shit don’t stink. Trust me, it does.
And now I have to compose a point-by-point explanation of what “being a jerk” constitutes so future assholes may be beaten with its pointiness.
We must live in the same town. I saw eighty of these twits today. All of them were driving grey or black cars, too. :smack:
Southern Yankee, I flash my lights at them when we’re talking about fog rather than rain. I figure if they’re going to be idiots, they might as well be idiots who are paranoid about cops…
Ah, the first signs of spring have arrived in New Hampshire at last. Now that the snow is finally (mostly) gone, the frost heaves are metamorphosing into beautiful pot holes.
Dear Verizon Execs,
My goddamned phone service was down for six hours today. Drop dead you greedy assholes. Stop advertising for new customers when you serve the ones you already have so poorly.
– Can’t Believe I Can’t Get Reliable Landline Service!!!
I HATE the new Burger King ad about the square butts!! What the hell were their ad execs thinking?
Dear People Who Check People’s Hearing:
Could you please stop telling 67 year old women shit like “your hearing is fine for your age”? My mother’s hearing may be “fine for her age,” but when I can understand the dialogue in her favourite drama through two closed doors, it’s sure not fine for MY continued sanity! Or for her chances to have her daughter care for her in her old age :mad:
WAG: “Guys, Knead hasn’t been paying any attention to our ads in a long time. Let’s come up with something that will make him giggle like a seven-year-old girl.”
Dear Testicles,
It has been a tough few weeks I admit and you must be very full indeed but do you really need to ache all day? We’re at that “I feel sick” stage of pregnancy that you must remember from last time. Now admittedly it has gone on a few weeks longer but all three of us know it will end, right?
Regards,
The rest of me
A Word to My Stomach: what do you think you’re doing? You went away after I dropped 20 lbs. this winter being unable to eat during an extremely stressful time. I had to buy new pants four sizes smaller. And now you’re creeping back into my life a pound at a time? Who asked you??? All I ask is that you stay at the same damn size for a while and let me enjoy my temporarily stress-free life in my new jeans. Why do you insist my natural weight is 20 lbs. heavier than right now?..Well, the up side is, I see, coming over the mountain and down the road, a brand NEW period of stress I will be going through. So watch out, you Big Fat Gut. This summer, we are going to be starving. Again. Ha, take that!
Update: Spoke to benefits administrator, who confirmed that generic was “available” but who wasn’t going to lift a finger to help me. Spoke to prescribing physician’s assistant, who was outraged. Spoke to pharmacy manager, who REFUNDED MY MONEY and apologized! His name is STEVE. Thank you, STEVE.
SNOW???
cry of inarticulate outrage
Hey, your drug of choice 
is in the news today as being a therapy for alcoholism. Neat. Hope that generic is available soon or you work it out without having to go through that every month though.
My Mini-Rant:
When I ask you repeatedly, over a long period of time, what day is the day we are supposed to do something, when you eventually get that information to me, please tell me the right day.
When planning events around this day, when I repeatedly identify it by the (apparently) wrong date, please let me know.
When I am booking the airline tickets, reading aloud to you the possible dates and times of departure and return, and the return date happens to be the actual date of the actual event which is the whole reason for flying in and out, please let me know that I am mistaken.
Please don’t tell me we should leave early on that date so that we’ll have the whole day ahead of us for the resumption of our traveling vacation.
And please don’t then confirm that it sounds good to you and okay my purchasing tickets that would, in fact, get us there and then return us from whence we came before the blessed event which is the whole freaking reason for us having to fly in and out of Madrid in the middle of our driving tour.
I am not your mother. When I open my mouth, it is not to say the same damned thing I just said five minutes before, so please pay attention, if just for a couple of seconds. This affects you too.
When I ask if something is all right and you say it is, I assume you were actually listening. I know this is my fault, because seven years of marriage should have taught me this by now. But goddammit! Way to turn cheap tickets into expensive ones, since the change fees cost more than rebooking under a separate itinerary so we bought the same f#cking trip twice over. Awesome.
Whoever created those retarded ads for BK burger shots needs to be beaten, stabbed, kicked, and poisoned.
Oh, boy, mini-rants. Just got one that I need to get off my chest:
To whomever installed the light fixtures in my apartment, what the bloody hell were you thinking. There’s only 16 individual light sockets in the entire tiny two-bedroom apartment. What mad compulsion then drove you to require five different, mutually-incompatible styles of light bulbs. Was your primary goal to line the pockets of the light bulb industry? To prevent me from adopting compact fluorescent lighting? Was there a sale on bizarre light fixtures?
There’s the three lights in the kitchen, the one in the bathroom, and the one in the stairwell that all take normal light bulbs. There’s the two on the track lighting in the living room that require a specific size (PAR 30, I think) halogen floodlights to mount correctly. There’s the other track light in the hallway that uses three little low-voltage halogen bulbs that have two little prongs, rather than a screw-in base. There’s my roommate’s room, whose fixture has three sockets that fit only the incredibly hard to find intermediate base bulbs. And, now that I’ve had to inspect the fixture in my room to replace the bulbs in it, what do I find but three sockets for those little bulbs mainly found on chandeliers.
Oh, yeah, preach it waterj2. Designers of Houses and Other Dwelling-places, you really need a damned good reason for using anything other than your basic standard household light bulb in your fixtures. No, that’s not a good enough reason. No, that’s one not either.
Trader Joe’s I loves ya, but holy mackeral your produce abbsolutely SUCKS. First of all it is all packaged and secondly it SUCKS! And more insidiously, it looks fine, but anybody who buys produce knows that looking fine and being fine are not the same thing. Our regular, not-as-charming grocery has produce that far exceeds what you guys do.
Why do I get suckered into buying the fruits and veggies and Trader Joes? Maybe I should be pitting myself.