FUCK YOU, WHINY BITCH-ASS THEATER PATRON!
You come up to me as I complete my intermission changes and cable re-plugs, which necessitates me being in the aisle* where you can come up and talk to me. That’s not a problem in and of itself; lots of people do that, and frankly, I like talking to patrons when they have insightful, interesting, or logical questions. My (grumpy-ass) cow-orkers don’t, but they don’t have to. The lady who came up to me last year and asked the make of the shotgun we use, because it looks like the one she has back home? I’m happy to radio back and ask the guys backstage about it. What roles did that actress play last year? I probably do know, so ask, it’s fine. I’m happy to talk to you. But when you come up to me and ask me to turn up the sound, and upon questioning, I understand that you’re complaining that the microphones on the actors aren’t loud enough, you’re going to have to understand something.
THE ACTORS AREN’T MIKED, YOU MORON!
We pay our actors good money, well over what the union requires, so that we can get genuinely talented people who can both act brilliantly and project that acting loud enough that you can hear it. We are one of the bastions against the shitty miking that you hear elsewhere, where the actors’ voices sound like they’re coming from behind you three seconds after they actually say the line, the ones that make you want to tear your hair out. And it’s not like this is a large acting space (although we still don’t mike the outdoor 1200 seat stage, because fuck you, we pay for real talent that can really fill that space with their voices.) This is a 300 seat black box space, where the playing area is no more than 30’ square, and no seat is more than 70’ from the actor, even if they’re totally opposite you in the playing space. Why can’t you hear them? WHY NOT?
Because you’re going fucking deaf, and you’re too proud to go get one of the free hearing-assistance headsets that we provide. Wake the fuck up. Lots of people use them. You’re in your sixties or seventies, and if you can’t figure this out, you deserve to not hear the show. Suck it up, and for God’s sake, don’t tell me that it “sucks” that we don’t mike our actors. We’re proud that we don’t. This isn’t a rock opera, where microphones are part of the aesthetic, a conscious choice that’s part of the sound, style, and genre, not to mention something that’s useful to protect the actors’ voices and keep them able to do this five nights a week. It’s Shakespeare, and it’s an intimate little space, where part of the beauty of the experience is hearing the unamplified human voice. This is excellence, real human skills painstakingly trained for years to be able to perform for you, and you’ve been trained to expect shitty cut-corner microphones, socialized to believe that microphones are an end unto themselves, a necessity in all situations and all theater, something that is done because the organization has money, not because it’s artistically necessary or desirable. And screw the organizations that trained you that way. Not the poor local or amateur theater that can’t afford to not mike because their actors can’t handle it. Screw the professionals who cater to that lowest of common denominators. Screw that. I want to tear my hair out at half the shows I see these days, and you’re the moron who encourages it because you’re too proud to admit that you need the hearing assistance. I’d rather have hearing aids feeding back in the middle of the show than fools like you telling me that we need to dumb this down to your level.
Fuck it.
*It’s a black box theater, and this show’s in the round. The aisles are our staging areas for set changes.
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