I think I would be a little hurt if a friend of mine hooked up with my ex soon after we broke up. But 8 years is long enough for anyone to get over anything.
Part of me would be hurt - the rest of me would understand that this is not rational. If I wasn’t dating her, and my friend wants to, IMO they have a right to take a shot at happiness.
Really, everyone else has said everything. I can understand one tiny, momentary twinge of “aw man, really?” - but come on. It’s been eight years and you weren’t even there to see it.
I think you need a life, dude!
After 8 years, I’m surprised you even remember these squares.
As to the main, if you dump somebody, you have severed all claims to an interest, so you have nothing about which to squawk.
Even if you are the dumpee, they did it for a reason, so, there isn’t even a tenuous link. It would be awkward if they were in your close group that hung out regularly, but that’s about as close as one can come.
Best wishes,
hh
I once dated an ex of a friend about eight days after they broke up. Of course, I asked my friend’s permission first, and he gave it, because he’s a saint (and because I was a virgin at the time, and really needed that date).
^
Was the stated deficiency rectified?
Indeed it was.
Eight years? Tough shit, get over it.
I’m glad to hear that anal counts.
Huh?
I tend to give a grace period of one month per year of the relationship, and that’s generous. Eight years is more than enough time.
Psst, Melon.
(whispers): It was rectified, not rectal-fied. Yes, I know, we all make those Freudian slips once in a while…
I hope not…I married her!
Seriously?
They aren’t even together, with a family and kids, or anything. You’re not even sure. And eight years? Damn.
So her dating choices were supposed to be limited by your history with her, reaching back eight years, while you’re away in another country? I’ll say it again, Damn.
Recognize that your ex owes you nothing, you are not entitled to any consideration from either of these people, and get over yourself, sheesh.
I’m aware. It was a joke. You may have heard of them.
Melon, that “woosh!” sound? Yep, that was for you.
It all depends. I certainly think the friendship and the seriousness of the previous relationship are important factors, but they’re not necessarily things that can’t be overcome. If it was casual dating, then there’s really no consideration that needs to be taken; OTOH, if it was very serious and they’ve only been broken up a short time, it’s probably not a good idea. It’s not that one person owns another, but rather that it’s important to avoid putting people in positions where they might feel hurt or betrayed, and dating a friend’s ex can easily bring up at least the perception of a conflict of interests.
Still, guys generally shouldn’t date serious exes of their best friends because of the “bros before hoes” rule. However, it seems to me that there is an unspoken rule where, if it was generally an amicable breakup and both are over it, then the friend who wants to date is still obligated to ask, but that friend is also obligated to give permission.
Interestingly enough I was sort of in this kind of situation, where one of my best friends dated a girl pretty seriously for a long time and they broke up amicably (they were growing apart anyway and he moved out of the country). Her and I actually had a lot more in common than they ever did and jokingly I’d poked him about her and he even insisted that I date her, but there just never was any real attraction between us precisely because I saw her as his ex and she saw me as his best friend. So, in this case, she wasn’t technically off-limits at all, but the nature of the relationship pretty much made it moot.
Anyway, in the case of the OP, it’s just silly. Even if you had dated seriously before leaving, because you were gone for 8 years, any obligation under the BBH rule is meaningless because you essentially severed both relationships. Even if you for some reason think those unspoken rules are still in effect after that, 8 years is WAY beyond the amount of time it takes to get over someone, and they had no way of getting your permission anyway, so the rules weren’t broken anyway. Besides, if you were so far out of their lives that you couldn’t even figure it out until you were back anyway, there’s no reason for anyone to take how you might react to it under consideration. Any envy or jealousy you feel is out of line with your own actions. In essence, get over it, and more importantly, get over yourself.
Who backpacks for eight years? At some point you can just start calling yourself a bum, right?
If you still wanted her, why did you leave?
If you don’t want her, why do you care?
She’s not a possession, you were no longer together, and she can make her own decisions about who she wants to see. Did you think she’d just stop dating and pine away after you left? Unless she really, really hurt you (by, for example, leaving, which she didn’t do, or cheating, which caused you to leave, which you haven’t mentioned), I don’t see how his being your friend is even relevant. You declared your lack of interest in her by leaving, I can’t see why he wouldn’t take that at face value.
On the other hand, if she had done something to really hurt you, you may have a point. It’s insensitive not to take that into account.
Is she living in LA, with your best old ex-friend Ray?
That’s the way they say it goes.