This is what I think’s happening as well. I see a lot of people keeping their plans loose until the last minute in hopes of something better.
Pisses me off- I don’t like being the “default” choice for someone I’ve invited to do something with me. Either they commit, or they can go do something else.
I personally have noticed a tendency for younger people to hold off until the last minute on committing to an invitation in case something they’d rather do comes up.
That said, it seems breaking a commitment is a lot more socially acceptable now than it used to be. “Sorry, dude. I know we were going to hit the bars tonight, but my bro and his friends came over with beer and Munchkin. Gonna stay in tonight,” would not raise an eyebrow amongst twentysomethings.
Yes. Yes they do.
Yes, it seems people take “Would you like to go to a concert” as just that nowadays. “Yes, I’d like to” as a response doesn’t mean “Yes, I’m able to”, or “Yes, I will” to them, it just means that they would like to go. Doesn’t mean they’ve made any sort of plan or agreement to go with you. It’s a matter of mistaken terminology - a lot of people would assume at that point that they’ve decided to go and that they ARE going, when in reality they’ve decided no such thing. They’ve simply added it to their list of “possibilities for tomorrow”. My husband’s family does this all the time - saying they’d “like” to but not actually doing what’s been proposed - we’ve simply taken it as a matter of course that none of his siblings will necessarily show up for anything. We don’t really like it, but that’s just how they are.
Unsure if people are flakier now. It IS a whole lot easier to get out of things you weren’t super sure about via cellphone though, so if I were to blame anything it’d be cellphones. Cellphones allow flakiness to happen up to the last second.
If you don’t like this flakiness, I’ve heard south america and some of the west cost is fast and loose even about business meeting times. “Let’s have lunch” could be anywhere from 11 to 3. Sticking to the clock isn’t their number 1 priority, and maybe we all need to loosen up a little.
I’ll answer as a flaky person. My friends tend to use technology to stay in constant touch with each other and I get oversaturated with the constant base-touching. After my phone beeps with 30 odd text messages, five or so emails and forwards, a couple voicemails, FB updates, Tweets, and a few Pins from the each person, I’m all full up on contact and exhausted with babysitting my phone (which is actually a proxy for the friends who need to stay in constant contact). I have about seven close friends who have this habit, who call me on their way to and for work, who text the exhausting minutia of their lives (Troppus, I farted!), a couple who send me affectionate messages frequently, and two who forward me every lame joke, pic, or video that crossed their path. By the end of the week I feel like my friends have been in my lap every day, and I’m just not interested in spending even more time with them, especially when they spend (obviously) 90% of that time on their phone doing the same shit to our other friends.
It’s just too much contact. If you are not a frequent updater and base checker this does not apply to you. Oh, and if the weather is conducive to playing outdoors, I don’t like getting trapped indoors with my sedentary friends, so I’m not available to waste a beautiful weekend sitting in front of the television. I never flake out on my paddling, hiking, or picnicking friends, only my indoor, constantly tethered friends.
It could be that over the years, more and more of the non-flaky people have gotten married and dropped out of the circles you run in.
But I wouldn’t be surprised if new technology plays a role.
Sounds like you’re saying two different things here:
[ol]
[li]I flake out because my friends are killing me with cell phone contact all week.[/li][li]I flake out on stuff that doesn’t involve going outside.[/li][/ol]I’m not sure if one or both of these is the case, but maybe you would try:
[ol]
[li]Asking your friends to not call or text you so much instead of flaking out on plans with them.[/li][li]Let your friends know that you’re only really interested in outdoorsy stuff instead of flaking on them.[/li][/ol]
Thanks for the advice, but I’m just answering the OP with my experience. And I do both, the results are nearly always a temporary respite. Since I’m the only one in my crowd who doesn’t care for the tethering, I can’t fault them for keeping in touch in the way that feels natural to them, but I do tell them “I need a break, phone’s been ringing 24 hours.” 24 hours later they start checking in and adding me to the distribution. I love my friends equally, but they overdo the contact. And they all know I’m hard to pin down in nice weather, but they are convinced I’d rather be lumped on the couch watching movies or shopping all day because that’s what they like to do with their free time.
They certainly have more layers of lard then they used to.
If I get an invitation and I say “No, I have other plans”, people look at me like I slapped them across the face. But it’s all good if I say “oh, yeah, I’ll definitely be there” and then back out via text message a few hours beforehand. Flakiness is not merely on the rise, it appears to be the new normal. I think it’s a manifestation of a general social trend toward indirectness and ambiguity (some might even say insincerity). You never get to know someone’s real thoughts or intentions until you actually observe their actions. Call it ‘quantum sociodynamics’ or something.
I’m older than the OP but I used to be very flaky, mainly due to depression. One of my friends called me out on it and it was a wake-up call for me. I realized how rude I was being. Now, even if I’m dying to cancel I will force myself to keep our plans out of respect for my friend. On the rare occasion when I do cancel, I make sure that my canceling doesn’t cancel out the entire plan - that there are more people than just me to keep the plan in place so (hopefully) my not showing up doesn’t ruin everything.
I agree, I think people are becoming much more comfortable with cancelling plans. When I was young I was always told that if I had accepted one invitation, even if a better one came up, I had to respect my committment to attend the first invitation. I believe people these days are just more selfish and put their own desires above common curtsey. I also think people are more incline to say “yeah sounds great” when they know they have no intention of attending simply because it is easier and may seem more polite than just saying “actually, I’m not really interested in doing that”
I have about zero tolerance for flakiness these days. I don’t know if it is on the rise over time or if it is a geographical thing because I have been through both changes at the same time but it certainly isn’t welcome. I will give someone one chance with a warning if they ever do it without a bonafide emergency (as in, physically incapacitated or incarcerated). Two strikes and I will never invite you to do anything again or agree to your plans either.
I don’t ever flake on people and I use that as a tool. If I agree to do something with someone I don’t know well, I end the invite by repeating back the exact time and place and say “BTW, don’t worry, I never flake on people. I am always there when I say I will be. Don’t you hate it when people don’t keep their promises?” It doesn’t work 100% of the time but I seem to have a much better success rate than most.
Like many of the previous posters I’ve assumed a zero tolerance policy when it comes to flakes. It’s gotten to the point where I can predict with almost perfect certainty when someone is setting me up for a flake. As soon as it happens these people are at the bottom of all lists: activity, dating, going out, whatever.
I think we should all make an effort to curb this behavior. Don’t accept it and don’t perpetuate it.
I’ve done that, many times. I don’t mean to. I want to go to things, to do things, but when it comes time to get up and actually go do those things, anxiety takes over and I stay home. ETA: I’ve been this way long before cell phones, not to mention facebook and twitter (not that I use them anyway.)
You can control unless you are robot programmed by someone else. I have flaked on people too in the distant past especially when things weren’t going well. I had a couple of people come down extreme hard on me for it to the point where I was literally in tears. I learned the lesson that it doesn’t do anyone any good to be flaky, especially yourself. It reinforces a negative thought process through inaction. You don’t have to be 100% if you can’t be but 90% of life is just showing up on time and and you almost always have control over that.
Today I really wanted to flake but, as I almost always do now, I pushed through it and forced myself to keep my plans. I don’t want to be rude to my friends and having been called out on my behavior in the past has really helped me to quit flaking. So, I drove two hours (round trip) to have lunch with friends and go on a walk with the dogs - it was a pain but there was some good stuff, good conversation at least.
Most flakers flake because they want to stay in by themselves, not because some cooler social activity came up.
Yes! In my case it’s due to depression.
Understood but flakiness on people that invited you to do something is the exact opposite of what you should be doing in those circumstances. I have been there too. Trust me, you almost always have freedom of movement. Just so up when you say you will. It helps prop of both your sense of self-respect and the way that other people see you. Sitting on the couch when you promised someone you would be somewhere else will not do anyone any good.