I am 59 and have been married to the same woman for 40 years now.Due to some circumstances that are way too long to list and explain, she has recently informed me that the reason she has been pulling away from me and out of our marriage since 1990 is because she has a new ‘type’ of love for me and I will not accept it. She explained it this way, her love for me ,now, does not need to be told “I love you” at all as it should be just understood;it does not need any kind of intimacy-including holding each other,kissing( Yes,at 59 we ‘did’ still do everything), touching-of any kind;no sleeping together-in any form;and basically it just needs us to be friends. I told her she just described a ‘companion’ not a ‘husband’. I tried to tell her that there are no different ‘types’ of love,maybe different ‘stages’. But I also told her that as long as we have been at it, ours is a mature love and we were without a doubt soulmates. Or so I thought. Can anyone care to shed some light on this?
Thank you
PS: Thought I might as well throw these juicy facts in, she kicked me out of our bed six years ago and has not let me touch her since.( oh,everyone is always telling us how much younger we look and act and it is true.We have always been very tight in love and always have enjoyed a very healthy sex life,until six years ago that is.)On the serious side,I am a totally disabled Vietnam Vet and had to stop driving about five years ago due to what my diabetes has done to my eyes.This has put me a rather ‘dependent’ role on her.If I make her upset with me(mad), she will not get whatever I want from the store or only bring me ‘one’ meal(small) a day,which my diabetes just loves that.
Yours is the sort of love that probably ought to result in a parting of the ways before she kills you.
Seriously, if you upset this woman who’s supposedly “tight in love” with you, she endangers your life by not bringing you the food you need to control your diabetes? That isn’t love. That’s neglect and abuse. People go to prison for shit like that. People who truly love each other don’t treat each other that way.
At the very least, the two of you need professional help. You both need marriage counseling, and she needs the sort of counseling that would teach her not to precipitate her husband’s death. If I were you, I’d call up a friend and have them stock you up with some hidden stashes of food so the next time your wife’s abusive behaviour endangers your life and health you can get something to eat.
What Otto said, although I think there’s no malice here, just a lot of painful subjects and feelings that you two seem to have avoided talking about.
The only thing I would add is that, it’s not just a question of what her “love” needs. Just because she might not need to be told you love her, or physical affection, or anything other than your presence doesn’t mean that’s all you need. The fact that she uses food as a punishment, moreover with a diabetic, is worrisome in my book, and whether there is malice intended or not, it needs to be stopped one way or another.
Do you have children who can help you somehow?