Are you and your Significant Other compatible as far as levels of affection? If not, how do you deal with it? Does it carry over into sexual relations, too?
I’ve been seeing someone for quite some time now and he’s simply not an affectionate person. I’ve never before dated anyone who wasn’t. I’m Italian, touch-feely, huggy-kissy (not obnoxiously, but I hug and kiss my kids all the time and with other relationships, I often held hands and hugged and snuggled at night, and if I am fond of someone, I’ll brush their arm or give them a hug, if they’re ok with that. If someone isn’t, I’ll keep my distance to maintain their comfort level).
So, this guy is quite simply not affectionate. It’s not me, it’s not how he feels about me, I don’t take it personally - it’s simply the way he is. He’s not affectionate with anyone and his son is the same way, as is his father. My SO will kiss me quickly good bye before he leaves for work and he will kiss me quickly good night and that’s it - unless he’s in the mood for sex, in which case he’s quite affectionate, we are incredibly compatible that way and have a great, terrific, best-ever sex life. But as soon as he’s “done”, it’s like a light switch just shutting off and he’s back to being completely not affectionate. If I go up to hug him, he will hug me back. Or he’ll kiss me back if I initiate a kiss - he doesn’t push me away or anything. It just literally does not occur to him to initiate it randomly. He has no need for touching, unless it’s sexual. I’ve learned to deal with it and it’s not a “deal breaker” but am just wondering if there are other affectionately incompatible couples and how you’ve dealt with it long-term.
I was in an affectionately-incompatible relationship once. I cannot do without a bit of postcoital snuggling, and it seemed to make him very uncomfortable. Like, after the sex was done, no touchy; stay on your side of the invisible line.
The relationship had other problems and wouldn’t have lasted anyway, but that certainly did not help.
(Edited to add: This doesn’t really speak to your question, but hey, I thought I’d share.)
Could be as you imply,cultural body language differences.
I work in construction in the U.K.and we have a huge amount of Polish workers on our site .
Most of them are great blokes but their personal space seems to be a lot smaller then the average Brits ,but they also are always putting their arms around each others shoulders and touching when they talk to each other and it really creeps me out to the extent that the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
So it mightbe a similar body language thing with your SO.
That’s exactly what I mean - the invisible line is a perfect descriptor. He doesn’t even like to share blankets. Like I said, I deal with it, but when other issues arise, it stands out more in my mind. I get plenty of affection from my kids, but my kids won’t always be around, you know, and it’s obviously a different kind of affection that I’m missing. Do you think the the other issues in your relationship were at all related to the lack of affection? Lust4life, It’s definitely part of a cultural thing. He’s pure Finn, and although his mom is pretty affectionate, the males in his family are absolutely not. It’s just not cool. Actually, it’s cold… We’re both second generation European, so we have many of the same values and similar upbringing in that sense, but couldn’t possibly be more opposite in this aspect. Coincidentally, my father was of English descent and my mother was born and raised in northern Italy, and it was a similar dynamic in their relationship and families, although I saw my father grow more affectionate as he aged. As I said, I don’t take it personally -I know he loves me, but rarely says so, but he does demonstrate it in other ways and it’s just the way he was built. It’s just so different than what I"m used to and so counter to my nature.
Aha! Here in Minnesota, with a lot of Finns & other Scandinavians around, there’s a story about the old farmer who stood up and said “I told my wife I loved her when I proposed, and here at our 50th Wedding Anniversary, I almost felt like saying it again”. Which is funny, but not so very inaccurate.
For me, there is zero connection between sex and love. Love is deeper than sex, on an intellectual and emotional level. Sex is just a pure, raw, animalistic activity, that’s how I approach it.
I would never say “I love you” during sex. Just not my style, at all.
I don’t have firsthand experience with this, but I think talking about it is a good way of dealing with it long-term. It doesn’t have to be a drawn-out conversation, just a hint: “Honey, you should kiss me more often! Remember I’m Italian!” or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with asking him to treat you in a certain way. If he’s a good guy he’ll gladly do it.
For me, affection is like the air I breathe. I must have it. My SO and I are actually very compatible in this. For example, I can’t pass by without kissing him, or touching him. When we sleep, we actually hold hands in our sleep. (I know…too much mush factor).
Now as for sex, jeez, I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Passionate, raw, vivid, animalistic…It is like painting a canvas with all the colors on your pallet. To me, there is very little differentiation when you are talking about two people in love.
We experience a great deal together and for me, being the attention seeker I am, if I am not getting what I want, I stand in front of him and say, “kiss me, I’m Italian!” To which he laughs and complies.
There is no harm in asking for what you want. Part of being a couple is being willing and able to fulfill one another’s needs. Whatever those needs are. Whether they be for affection, kink, attention, intellectual discourse. Any and all of it apply.
Yeah, it kind of sounds like you’re describing my relationship with my SO. As a matter of fact I once started a thread about it. Since then it has partly gotten better and partly I’ve just learned to deal. For instance yesterday I was pretty upset about something and he was upstairs reading. I asked him to come down because I just needed a hug and to snuggle on the couch. He complied, but I seem to have to do more asking than I might wish to. I just try not to take it personally and remember the other good stuff that is in our relationship.
I feel like I’m rambling here, but I guess all that I want to say is that, yep, been there, done that. Still carrying on.
And I’ve also heard it told Q: “Do you ever tell your wife you love her?” Finn: “Well, I married her didn’t I?” As you said, funny and probably true!
Argent, you make a good point and I know there can be a complete disconnection between the two, but in this case, there isn’t that kind of disconnection. He does love me, no doubt, and sex is one of the ways he expresses and demonstrates that. One of the few times he lets his emotions show. As I’ve heard many times, “It’s a Finn thing.”
WF Tomba and Evangelina Girl-agreed that it’s something to communicate about and we have. It’s not that he refuses to be affectionate - he will not leave the house without kissing me goodbye, he always kisses me goodnight and, as I said, if I need a hug, I will simply either say “I need a hug/kiss” or I’ll just hug/kiss him and he will reciprocate. That’s how I/we’ve coped with it. He just literally doesn’t need affection the way I do.
Always Brings PIe Yep, that sounds about like it! We’re pretty much at the same place. There’s good things that outweigh it, but when things get rough for other reasons, it nags at me.
