Every so often, someone will mention that they think it’s important to have sex with someone before you marry them to find out whether they’re sexually compatible. Now, I’m something of a recovering prude and still fairly strict when it comes to whom I’ll have sex with. As a result, the number of people I’ve had sex with is quite small. On the other hand, there’s been no doubt that we’re sexually compatible. In fact, I’ve enjoyed the daylights out of each gentleman. As a result, I’m curious about just how common sexual incompatibility is. Have I been lucky not to meet someone I love dearly but don’t enjoy sex with? I gather that one element of sexual incompatibility is one participant not doing things the other enjoys and considers necessary, but I suspect there’s more. What are the odds of this happening? 1 in 50? 1 in 10? 50:50? :eek:
There are some things in this world I know little or nothing about. This is one of them. Please, fellow Dopers, help me fight my own ignorance.
Ahhhhh…that’s the beauty of the test drive. Back in the day, I’m sure there was more sexual incompatibility than there is today. The test drive is socially acceptable now. Sexual incompatibility would be a deal-breaker for me. I mean, there are plenty of things to disagree on in a relationship without making the one part that’s supposed to be enjoyable EVERY TIME a chore.
In my experience, yes, it is very, very common for two people to be sexually incompatable in the long term. A lot of it has to do with expecting frequency than style, but even completely “normal” people often have needs or strong preferences that may not be compatable with someone else.
If you’re very selective about who you sleep with, there will likely be a great deal of emotion and sustained attraction that will make it easier to have good sex, but there’s also often a limit to how long someone who deeply loves to tickle feet is willing to go without when they’re looking at spending years with someone who wears socks to bed because they can’t stand having their feet brush against another person at all.
I can’t help thinking that it would be all to easy to just call something ‘sexual incompatibility’ when it’s actually a combination of failure to communicate, refusal to be flexible and plain old selfishness - i.e. ‘sex isn’t happening exactly as I want it, so it’s no good’
I don’t know how it is with straight people, but with us gay men compatibility is always an issue. I happen to be in a monogamous LTR, and we’re totally compatible, but before we met it was a real problem. I’m not as “versatile” as most other guys, so I need to be with a person who has complementary needs. Fortunately, I found him.
My husband and I had a great sex life for years…no complaints here. Then, he gradually lost interest…never really did tell me why. I thought it was my fault and lost 45 pounds, got into great shape, but it didn’t help.
I suspect that with aging and being overweight and depressed about his back problems, his sex drive suffered. But while he never said this to me, it was also implied that I wasn’t attractive enough. So what kind of jerk has this problem and makes his partner feel like it’s her fault?
When I asked him to leave, I told him that he wasn’t attracted to me. He didn’t deny it. But he would have stayed with me…with a lousy sex life.
So there’s sexual incompatability. I still want to have sex probably about twice a week and he wants to have sex…never.
I can almost hear the commercial: “Four out of Five Dentists agree that Sexual Incompatibility is the number one cause of masterbation after a night of dinner and dancing…” :eek:
You know, if things are good in most ways, but he refuses to slather you in mayonaise or dress up as ‘Gandalf’ in bed, you might want to consider which tradeoffs you can live with and which are deal-breakers. But ultimately, only you know what you ‘need’.
It occurs to me that a good example of sex incompatability (that seems to be quite common) is that for some people, some degree of incompatable sex drive or interest will be no big deal because sex is just for fun, not a major need of theirs, or they don’t mind going without when everything else is fine. For someone else, sex might be a major interest in a recreational sense, or their preferred and most sacred means of expressing and recieving affection, or they may simply have a high sex drive and would be unhappy if they didn’t have a partner who was amicable to their needs. For my former examples, some degree of “well I’d like to try x but he’s not into it” or “we have to regularly compromise on frequency” might be small issues, while for someone else they could be big ones ideed.
And there’s nothing wrong with any of that. I doubt I could have a serious relationship someone who didn’t enjoy going to fine restaurants or refused to eat certain foods with me, since cooking and appreciating other people’s cooking is a major part of my life, but I’m sure there are many people would find the idea of gastronomic incompatability absurd.
I think each person needs to decide for themselves what “sexual incompatibility”. Count Blucher is right about the “tradeoff” idea. Only you can decide what you absolutely need and what you can live without.
Whether genuine sexual incompatibility is becoming more common or not, it certainly seems to be talked about more and more as a source of stress in relationships. Perhaps, as people have become more sexually adventurous, they’ve also become more sexually demanding. For example, refusal to participate in oral sex is a deal-breaker for a lot of people today. I can scarcely imagine someone from my grandparents’ generation feeling the same way about it, or even my parents’ generation.
Ten years ago I was distressed with a sex life that spelled intercourse three times a month, oral never… my word, how lucky I was in those days. We’re neither of us as slim and attractive as we were then but there ain’t no way Mrs M is losing 45 pounds even for the sake of her own, extremely dodgy, back, let alone getting into great shape (which would call for at least another 45 pounds to go with the first).
shrug
We have a household to run and children to bring up, and I don’t rate my life’s chances of improving even if I did think this was worth divorcing over. At my age, I just have to file this under “never got to hear those violins”, 'cos there’s no sense making myself miserable about it.
Golly gee, what a 4000[sup]th[/sup] post. :dubious:
It’s not necessarily about wanting sex at different frequencies, and it’s not necessarily about one partner wanting something “special” – sometimes sex with a particular person just isn’t that enjoyable.
There’s an old BF of mine who I was with for three years, but he just wasn’t terribly great in bed. It wasn’t about his willingness or lack thereof to do this particular act or another; and I attempted to communicate what I like, and he attempted to be responsive – but he just totally wasn’t tuned into me/my body, so the experience was often either “blah” or frustrating. (IOW, he totally couldn’t tell if I was about to come, so he had a darned annoying habit of stopping … whatever … at just the wrong moment. And, frankly, if you have to say “don’t stop” on more than a couple of occasions, you start to figure the other person ain’t ever gonna learn to read the signs of your impending orgasm.)
So, I just became less and less interested in having sex with him. I’d call that “incompatibility.” And, yes, it was absolutely one of the reasons I broke up with him.
I’m noticing that I’m developing a habit of simply wanting to say “ditto” or “amen” to your posts. Perhaps my thoughts on many subjects are simply redundant when compared to yours and I should save myself the time and energy of posting by simply pre-emptively typing…
**Whatever twickster (and/or often Bill Maher) thinks on the subject, that’s what I think. **
Once, twice, or forty times before becoming a committed pair, or a husband and wife, or your personal versions of ortho marriage is not a good indicator of long term sexual compatibility.
Sex is the most private thing that ever happens to a person. Sharing is implicit in sex. So, each of us comes to this experience with contradictions and unspoken expectations. A major disadvantage of the modern model of sexual behavior is that we become physically intimate far more easily, and emotionally intimate far less easily. Add to that the range of unreasonable expectations that Hollywood imagery has given us, and “incompatibility” ends up being a basket into which we can toss a growing pile of human catastrophe.
It takes some people years to become sexually compatible with themselves. So, how long is that going to take between two people separated by language? Sexual compatibility seems to me to be more likely to be an ongoing practice between two happily committed people with an entire life to share. Finding that on a “test drive” doesn’t seem likely to me.
But, keep in mind I am celibate, and a hopeless romantic, so my opinions are largely philosophic.
**Twickster ** is indeed wise. I think that most incompatibility *in relationships * is about frequency or “special needs”, because that’s the kind of thing you have to be in a relationship to find out, for the most part.
But sometimes, it’s just a fundamental disconnect between two people. There was only one guy, many years ago, who I had a lengthy flirtation with, followed by the dullest, most frustrating sex ever. The next time he called, I thought, “Hey, we were drunk, and I am a try-anything-twice kind of girl” so we had sex again. It was, if anything, *worse * than the first time. Fortunately, twice was all it took for me to decide that sex with this guy just Did Not Work.
Heh-heh…now THERE’S where me and Mr. K are incompatible. But as long as I’m not fucking the chef, I’m allowed to go outside the marriage to get my culinary kink on.
*Ten years ago I was distressed with a sex life that spelled intercourse three times a month, oral never… my word, how lucky I was in those days. We’re neither of us as slim and attractive as we were then but there ain’t no way Mrs M is losing 45 pounds even for the sake of her own, extremely dodgy, back, let alone getting into great shape (which would call for at least another 45 pounds to go with the first).
shrug
We have a household to run and children to bring up, and I don’t rate my life’s chances of improving even if I did think this was worth divorcing over. At my age, I just have to file this under “never got to hear those violins”, 'cos there’s no sense making myself miserable about it.
Golly gee, what a 4000th post. *
OP by Malacandra
Wow
I thought I was sad about the demise of my marriage. I hope things turn around for you.
As others have said/implied, sexual incompatibility can take many forms: simply not enjoying sex with the other person, not being into the same fetishes/positions, disagreeing on frequency, etc. If I’m with a guy who can’t or won’t talk openly about sex, I consider that to be a form of sexual incompatibility (even though it’s probably more of a personality/maturity thing). Judging by conversations I’ve heard, friends I’ve talked with, and advice columns I’ve read, I think it’s a fairly common problem – though it’s rarely the same problem.
Personally, I can enjoy intercourse with just about anyone – that’s one reason why I don’t mind one-night stands. But when it comes to an actual relationship, I have a harder time finding men who are on the same sheet of music. Not “never,” just “rarely.” I’m not into anything very kinky (at least, as far as I know), but I have a high sex drive, I’m open-minded and willing to experiment, and I believe that conversations about sex should be honest and candid – and grownup, please. I prefer to date men my age or older, and there just aren’t many guys in their late 30s who are as enthusiastic and straightforward about the subject as I am. I’m fond of saying that I’d love to meet a 40-year-old with a 20-year-old’s libido – or a 20-year-old with a 40-year-old’s experience and maturity.
So, yeah, sexual incompatibility can happen with anyone, and sexual compatibility matters. Anyone who would ignore it is just as ridiculous as anyone who would claim that it’s all that matters.
As for whether sex before marriage provides any indication of long-term sexual compatibility, I’d say of course not – people and relationships change. But I believe that having sex before marriage can provide an indication of how well the relationship might weather any sexual problems.
:eek: 
