Does He Hate Me And Am I Being Unreasonsable

In My Humble Opinion
1

:confused:

I have been living with my partner now for a year (I love him more than life itself) well sometimes.

We laugh, do everything together. But he is changing.

He use to kiss me before he went to work. Now I have not had a kiss from him at all for 5 months. He use to hold my hand no longer does he do that either.

We also has a very active sex life, now it is at weekends only, involves no kissing no cuddles and he makes sure I dont face him when we make love.

Am I being unreasonable to want to be hugged, kissed etc. I have not mentioned this to him at all but just let it go on. Please help I need some???

2

Talk to him about it.

And when you do, keep the whiny tone out of your voice and mention it casually. Since he may not know you’re feeling left out its not time to nag at him.

I’m familiar with your problem from the other side. When I’m not stressed out I’m very affectionate, and my SO is a sweet cuddle bunny of a guy. However, when I get busy/stressed/sick/tired… I lose track of the “How long has it been” internal clock. Fortunately, I have a very open SO who’ll brave my temper to interuppt my work and say things like “I need a kiss.” I’ll grumble and moan that I was in themiddle of something and he’ll just wait until I stop and smile and kiss him and tell him that if he bothers me one more time…

But then I live with a saint who puts up with my crap.

So talk to him, not a bit Talk but in the morning before he goes to work smile at him and say “Aren’t you forgetting my kiss this morning?” or “How can I give you good luck today with out a kiss?” Make it a game. Be affectionate yourself. Initiate. Tell him what you want. ('Specially with sex, but that’s a good sex rule anyway. Be clear. “Look at me” is just as important as “faster, harder!”)

Now, if you say “Sweetie, give us a kiss…” with your best come hither look and he says “Get away from me you repulsive hag.” Then you have a problem to be worried about. Until then, he could just be busy/stressed/tired/worrying about other things. Remind him that you’re there and you’re wonderful.

3

You’re not being unreasonable. I like being hugged, kissed, and other displays of affection coming from my wife. I’ve only lived with my wife for a little over a year and I still love the intimate contact.

You’re feelings seem reasonable to me and it sounds like your relationship may be going through a rough spot. I wish I had some good advice to give you. I’m sorry.

Marc

4

I’d be less concerned if he wasn’t a huggy-kissy guy to begin with. Talk to him in the aforementioned non-whiny tone of voice. Maybe it is just mundane craps he’s distracted with and if not…well, better to find out sooner than later.
Crossing my fingers for you.

5

He hasn’t kissed you in 5 months???

Something is going on. Maybe something is bothering him. Has he seemed depressed? Money problems?? Has he been ill?

That seems really…odd, for lack of a better word.

Odd, and a little scary.

6

That would really alarm me. My first thought would be that he’s sleeping with someone else and feels guilty about it so he can’t look me in the eye. Now that would be my gut reaction but I tend to be a little too paranoid at times and always invision the worst first! You definitely need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and find out what’s changed.

7

I’ll second the expressions of alarm. It sounds like he’s basically eliminated all the intimacy of the relationship, which IMO is more serious than just stress-induced distance.

I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say he hates you, but you’re not being unreasonable in looking for some answers. But you won’t know until you talk to him about it.

If he’s willing to talk, that’s good - he’s probably going through some personal stuff and doesn’t hate you, but needs the distance to sort it out.

If he withdraws and clams up, that’s iffy – he may be confused about how he feels about you and the relationship.

If he gets angry and storms out, well… his feelings towards you may have changed, and he might pick a fight or blame you as an excuse to end things.

I know those aren’t cheering words, but we’ll keep our fingers crossed!

8

The sex sounds creepy & “(I love him more than life itself) well sometimes.” sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself. Talk to him about
it. If you can’t bring yourself to,or if he won’t:
move on.

Good luck.

9

This sounds like an emotional divorce to me.

Maybe I watch too much Oprah :slight_smile:

10

Well, I’d definitely say a red flag is going up - what it means exactly, I don’t know.

I know that there may be a tendency to think: “well, now we’ve been together a year, I don’t have to be affectionate anymore, etc” not realizing that that’s probably one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place.

It could be a case of stress on his part. It could also be an indication that he is involved with someone else. Or a case of apathy on his part.

I also suggest you talk to him and yes, please don’t be defensive or judgmental.

I recommend the book 'His Needs, Her Needs" by Steven Harley, because it addresses this sort of issue much more thoroughly.

11

Definitekly talk to him. Not in a casual way either. Tell him “we need to talk” that will get his alrm bells ringing and let him know that you are serious. Tell him that you dont want to fight you just want to understand. Tell him how you feel (dont let him interrupt!) and then get him to tell you how he feels.

If he refuses you this conversation then tell him that if he doesnt talk to you your relationship will be in serious trouble. Explain to him that you dont want to end it but that you REALLY need to talk to him, right now. If he still refuses then I am afraid you will have to do something drastic. Spending a night or two at a friend’s house and not telling him where you are is a nasty/pointlessly aggresive way of getting his attention.

Ultimately use your own judgement, you know the situation better than anyone on this list.

Finally think of this: he clearly doesnt hate you. Even if the worst fears expressed on this thread are true the fact that he doesnt want to confront you about it tells you that he cares about your feelings. Talk to him and tell us how it went k?

Maybe he’s just gay?
cheers
-Andrew V

12

I don’t know the guy but I’m sure he’s not gay. He’s probably cheating.
I should know, I got that way when I was cheating.

13

I must agree, the guy is very likely to be cheating on you.

I simply state that because 80% of us men are likely to be cheating in general… another 10% have no libido, and the other 10% are too chicken to cheat.

Does he work long hours, spend time with ‘the guys’ a lot as well? If he was really kissy before, and now no foreplay and only sex from behind, he’s almost certainly cheating.

I’d suggest distancing yourself emotionally from him before you do too much snooping tho… it will hurt less when you find the truth. Then you gotta determine if the relationship is really worth saving. It doesn’t matter one bit how much you love him, what matters is overall compatibility, and how he feels about you. If he cheats and you forgive him too quickly, he wont respect you, and he’ll keep doing it.

14

Oh puh-lease. :rolleyes:

15

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I do think that as the newness of a relationship wears off (I’ve heard it referred to as the “honeymoon” period), things will change. A lot of what you said sounds like my SO. When I noticed he wasn’t being as affectionate, I asked him about it. He hadn’t even realized he wasn’t kissing or cuddling as much, and to be honest, I think I hadn’t been either. In my case, I guess it had to do with settling into a routine, which let some things fall by the wayside.

As far as the sex life tapering off, I would doubt he is cheating on you. You indicated that it is now on weekends only, are these his days off? I would lean toward work related/school related stress. In my case the worst thing I could say to my SO is the dreaded “We need to talk”, I think when I use that statement it becomes like a game of Telegraph, and he ends up hearing it “You are in big trouble Mister!”

At any rate, I wouldn’t assume the worst, he’s probably not even aware that there is a problem. If he is stressed, it might even give him an opening to share with you what’s been going on with him. You never know, it could be a chance to grow closer. :slight_smile:

16

Somebody sounds bitter…

17

Hi Guys

Thanks for all your feedback.

Couple of comments to make. He cannot be cheating he works 9-5 and then comes home and is on his computer till the early hours of the morning and that is every night of the week. At weekends he is also on his computer and iin the house (so that rules that out).

I have still not spoken to him. Feel if I do things may come to a head.

He gave me a peck on the forehead before he went to work this morning.

Can anyone think how I can work around this. Maybe I can email him at work and tell him how nice it was.

???

18

Next time you make love, insist on doing it facing. And if he won’t, ask why. It may be that he has a phobia his breath is bad. But that’s the only positive reason I can think of for what sounds really, really odd.

Also: he might not be cheating irl, but if he’s on the computer all that time, is he cybering? Addicted to gaming?

And what is it you guys actually do together if he is on his computer all the time?

I really hope things work out for you, white-tigeress, but it could be that you deserve a lot better.

19

Couple more thoughts for you:

-Yes e-mail him, nothing that the boss shouldn’t see but a note that his kissing you on your forehead this morning is still making you smile sort of thing.

-Ask him out. Take him out on a date, a real live datey-date with dinner & a movie or whatnot. Schedule it a head of time. “Sweetie, I was thinking I wanted to see that new Jodie Foster thing on Saturday, want to make it a date?” Dress up and be on a date with him.

-Schedule middle of the week wild sex nights. (Or at least very intimate, stress free nights. No bringing work home, no computer playing, just the two of you.) Again talk to him about how you want to spend Wednesday night with him and you want it to be special. Every week. Leave notes in his pocket/briefcase/lunch about what you want to do to him when he gets home. (These don’t have to be for public consumption.)

I’d avoid a “BIG TALK” unless you want to make him withdraw more and go on defensive. Decide what you want from him and figure out what you can do to make it happen. Telling him/Nagging him/having a big, serious talk won’t get you more cuddles, it will bring the problem to his attention but he’ll also feel threatened.

Give him affection, talk to him about his day, ask him if he’s worried about anything, ask him for what you want from him. (My SO will do things like stand in doorways until I give up my “Must Do Work Now” stress out attitude and give him a hug. Its not that I’m not an affection person or deeply in love with him, I’m just currently an over focused stress ball. He sees that and instead of getting riled that I’m not giving him enough hugs and cuddles, he just asks me for them. I grumble, I give him a hug, I relax, I feel better, he walks off smiling, I get back to work.)

Ask him to get off the comp for a movie night, or a kinky sex in the living room night, whatever.

If he remains uniterested in real life, consider having him see a doctor for depression…often depression can be seen in people who lose track of what they used to enjoy and they just kind of sink away into funk. It’s treatable and nothing horribly wrong with them, just something to track and get around.

after all of this, if he says he’s not interested in being with you and either depression is ruled out or he won’t see a doctor, then you can start worrying about leaving him etc. Until you talk to him you don’t know what’s going on in there and he doesn’t know you aren’t happy with the status quo.

20

Wow! so thats what he did after Cockney Rebel… :wink: