Assuming we define virginity as we did when I was in junior high school (“Going all the way” / “penis in vagina”) — which is a heterocentric if not downright heterosexist definition (I guess lesbians either don’t have virginities or can’t rid themselves of them? Or, if not, if a male and female do things that bring at least someone to orgasm, is one or both of them now a nonvirgin?)…
I became a nonvirgin in that traditional (heterocentric definition) way when I was 21. Between the ages of 17 and 21 I became obsessed with my sexual marginalization in general (lack of an ongoing sexual relationship more than lack of ever having gotten laid, but they were intertwined in my head).
Wanting anything for a long time and putting a lot of priority and emphasis on it as an important major thing, and then not having it in your life, is probably a hangup-producing recipe. It was for me in the case of sex and sexual relationships.
I don’t think it’s an inevitable outcome of not being an early or on-time bloomer in this area of life —someone else might not have spent their entire teenage years pining away dreaming wistfully of their first mature sexual relationship, and the delay in their case might just mean they had other stuff that was a bigger focus in their lives, which seems quite healthy actually.
But yes, it can mess you up to feel that left out for that long, of something that’s that important to you.
This is also one of the things that bothers me, at least to an extent.
No matter what I do today to try to acquire the kinds of sexual experiences that I missed out on as a teenager, I will never be able to recreate the social and physical dynamics that underlined that era. So, for example, I’ll never again be surrounded by like-minded younger women to the extent that I was when I was 15; I’ll never again be simultaneously on the cusp of adulthood yet free of the kinds of worries and financial obligations that stymie the lives of grown men (meaning that the consequences of the kinds of illicit sexual experiences I might have gotten away with in high school would be much more dire for me as adult); and, frankly, I’ll never be as horny as I was when I was 17 (although this might actually be a good thing).
But perhaps the most alarming thing to me is that, if I were to suddenly spend thousands of dollars on clothing and mastering pickup artist techniques - and then rapidly build up my number of sexual partners - I ostensibly would not acquire the same kinds of psychological, developmental, social, and sexual developments from doing those things as I would have if I had done them as a teenager. In other words, increasing my count today may not actually do much to address the hangups that I presently have because the long-term benefits of earlier sexual activities can never be acquired by somebody who has passed that point of his life.
2ManyTacos, we all have different paths. There is no sense in overthinking what you missed. All you can do is enjoy the time now. Don’t be 50 and have regrets about your life now. Get out there and do what you want to do.
Don’t be so sure about this. I’m 56 years old and horny all the time. (I am, however, better able to think clearly while horny). Also, the past 10-15 years have, without question, been the most satisfying and exciting period of my life sexually.
You are right about things you have “missed out on.” We all miss out on something. What you will find, if you talk to a few of us old timers, is that those experiences are not all they are cracked up to be. You haven’t missed out on the best sexual experiences of your life, for example. I can’t speak for sex at 16 (since I missed out too) but sex from 18 to 22 was* interesting*, but not life-changing or even mind blowing. It takes awhile to figure it out, and starting at 26 isn’t the end of the world.
What the hell do you mean by that! STDs are bad no matter the age, and unplanned pregnancy is worst at 17 than 26. And things that are illegal at 17 is still illegal at 26.
Definitely some weibull going on there. Or perhaps even two or three distinct populations - those that have casual sex, those that have sex only within relationship, those that have sex only within marriage.
At 30 I could count on my digits the number of times I’d had sex. A few times with my first girlfriend at 22 (we never meshed at all), once with my 38 year old landlady when I was 28, and a handful of times with a friend of friends I went to visit overseas. I met my future wife right before I turned 31. She was very experienced, with a couple of long term relationships and several dalliances. So when we got together I’d shot between wind and water 20< times, and she had made the beast with two backs thousands of times. It wasn’t long before she pronounced me the best (no, I didn’t ask. It would never have occurred to me that I’d made the top ten). Willingness to ask questions and learn counted for a lot in my case.
I could post away the hours
Constructing mental towers
Contemplating all the fog
I’d unravel every board thread,
Disassemble claims that you said
If I only had a blog
There are probably a not-tiny number of who feel shame in their sexual proclivities and give a smaller than truthful number.
I could not disagree with this more. I am a fucking paraplegic who uses a wheelchair and I have had sex with more than 15 women in my life (I’m 38 now). And I have had extreme obstacles in my sex life, as one would expect. More than anything, it’s confidence. Confidence, persistence and decent looks.
Even I have had sex with three different women, and come close with two others. And I didn’t get my first kiss until age 20, and my first full sexual experience at age 29. If someone like me has had that much experience, the average person having 15 partners across a lifetime doesn’t seem implausible at all.
I have experienced “this sort of thing.” The thing is regret, the wish that things in the past were other than they are. My regret is not about sexual experience but about education and career choices. Oh the idle fantasies I have had of waking up 16 but with my 48 year old brain and making better choices that will deliver me to a better 48 year old reality. (as it happens when I indulge in these fantasies I always make the choice for less teenage sex and just wish I hadn’t bothered with anyone until I met my husband).
POINTLESS! USELESS! Ruminating on how things would be different now if the past was different is a waste of time and mental energy that could be spent on figuring out what future you want and what actions taken now in the present are likeliest to lead to that.
When I notice my thoughts tending that way, I shut it down. NOPE, no fantasies about the past. There is no power there. What do I want now? How can I get it? Much more useful.
So what do you want NOW? You can’t have a different past, but you can have a different future. Do you want marriage? Do you want lots of sexual partners? Do you want to work through your sexual hangups? All of those? (Probably better to do them in the opposite order of my list). Whatever it is, ask yourself if there has ever been anybody is the history of ever who stood where you do now (“did not lose virginity until 25, still has some sexual hangups”) and got to where you want to get (“have now slept with 15+ women” or whatever). Of course! There world is full of advice on how to get whatever you want, books, blogs, therapists…and there’s always just trying something, then trying something else.
I can’t promise that working on getting what you want will actually get you what you want but it’s 100% more likely to than wasting one more brain cell on a past that can’t be changed.
I get the sense you’re focusing too much on the positives of having sex young and not considering there are downsides. Sex at a young age is often accompanied by emotional drama and wreckage that can also induce hang-ups and cause problems. Certainly not everyone regrets early sex, but I’ve spoken to more than one person who has regrets and wishes they had waited a bit longer before plunging in.
Sex at a young age is like promiscuity in general: it can be a lot of fun, but it can also go really wrong, too.
Try not to obsess about the past (yes, yes I know - easier said than done) and enjoy your life going forward.
I will say a woman at age 25 who has had several sex partners, and I assume some were damn good, she might be reluctant to work with an inexperienced man who might have trouble satisfying her.
But then if the rest of the relationship is good, she might. That woman is a keeper.
I can NAME fifteen women my husband has had sex with (before he was my husband - I can’t name any since and I’m sort of hoping I never will be able to) and am friends with at least half a dozen of them. We married in our early 30s.
Have a social circle where sex outside marriage isn’t taboo, start as a Junior or Senior in high school, spend four years at college where there is a similar social circle, keep those social circles as you start your career, and over all that have a few on night stands, and few steady relationships, and a few short term girlfriends of a few months, and it isn’t hard to get to fifteen over the course of a dozen or so years.
And that’s assuming that you are simply counting traditional heterosexual penis in vagina sex and not all the other ways two or more people could have sex together.
