I’m turning 24 in 3 months. I realize that a lot of my peers have been sexually active. I was often envious and jealous of them in college. I eventually learned to let that go, however.
I realize that there are some or many women out there who do not want a virgin man for various reasons. That is also fine.
It seems like fun when everyone talks about it and such. That was the main source of my envy. I felt as if I was less than human because I did not have sex.
I am asking this question because I am wondering if it is even worth it to become sexually active. I know that women in my age group are approaching the age where they want more than just a hookup or anything like that.
I guess I’m more sad that I threw away a good amount of years not being sexually active with girls when they were the easiest to be with and the fact that the years of experimentation are over.
Now if I ever get into a relationship, the girl will probably be disappointed at my lack of experience. In addition, I feel as if I am way far behind my peers and that I won’t catch up. I can only imagine getting into that place with a girl and having to admit it.
If you’re wondering, the reason I’m still a virgin at this age is a devastating mix of low self-esteem, low self-confidence, self-loathing, anxiety, on and off depression, lack of self-belief, and going to an all boys’ school. Most of these problems are largely ameliorated but I figure its too late.
Should I feel this way or no? If so, why or why not?
There are people of all ages who enjoy sex - both casual and in a relationship, so you didn’t miss a “Sweet Spot”. You will pick up the basics very quickly, and there isn’t any “catching up” needed, compared to other people. If you feel like being active, get out there and find a willing partner!
I think abstinence up to about 18-19 is a positive thing, and a meh to negative thing after 20 or so.
That may sound moralistic, but the women I’ve slept with who started early were indifferent lovers, only occasionally over that line of… heat? The earlier they started, the more so. The two women in my past who started fairly late - 18 in both cases - were absolutely dream partners, with an adult attention span and interest.
I think you really do burn out something important if you use it all before you’re mature enough to use it right.
I know it seems like you’re all alone, but you really aren’t. I’m not going to say there are a lot of adult virgins. But I’d say you’re probably within at least 2.5 standard deviations of the mean. Unusual, but not quite a freak.
And even if you are a freak, it’s not THAT big of a deal. If I were to become queen of the world, I would ban the use of the word “virgin”. Sex is just one of many life experiences a person can have. We don’t have a special name for someone who has never, say, driven a car before. Or who has never left their hometown. Both of these could be seen as important rites of passage–experiences that indicate some degree of sophistication and worldliness. But they aren’t important enough to create an identity around.
I think you should ask yourself this: Do you feel bad because you are lonely and you want to experience the emotional and physical pleasures of sex with another person? Or is a lot of your pain the result of alienation, and sexual desire is secondary to this? Because while I don’t know what the first is like, I know how bad the second can feel. Everyone’s sitting around, talking about stuff that you can’t even imagine, and you feel defective. It is a feeling that weighs you down in every social interaction. You start (incorrectly) thinking it is how the world sees you. But people don’t. They are usually too busy with their own drama to notice yours (or lack thereof).
I can’t give you advice on how to handle this, except to maybe find friends who don’t talk about sex that much. I started feeling much better about myself when I stopped hanging out with my same-age peers and started hanging around significantly older people, who’d rather talk about things other than who is getting laid. It’s a cliche, but it does get easier with time. And the final chapter hasn’t been written. While that final chapter is being written, try focusing on accumulating life experiences that are more attainable (or at least seem that way to you). Focus on educational and career goals. If you’ve got any shortcomings (poor public speaking skills, social anxiety, knowledge gaps, etc.), target them for “self-improvement”. Try to channel the feelings of sadness and low self-esteem into positive, constructive endeavors that make you feel good. Try to find a therapist who will help you and hold you accountable. One thing that I take comfort in is that while my same-age peers have their stressful relationships, I seem to have a lot of things going for me that they lack. Maybe they feel like an alienate when I talk about the things I’ve done that they have never gotten to do. Probably not, but I can dream, can’t I?
…and the BEST SEX I’ve had was …um …okay. The worst sex was degrading and bruising. I often think I might have been better off with never having sex. It would have simplified things (and been less messy:p).
What do I know though, I feel being born was my first & biggest mistake.
Can you afford to visit Thailand? It’s not a snarky comment; I go there quite often on business, and I’ve seen it be a big confidence booster to a lot of younger guys. You have to decide whether the culture there is morally repugnant to you or not, but I tend not to judge anyone.
The most time you wasted was about a decade or one-fifth of your expected prime sexual years (age 15 to 65). That’s not too much really, and probably most of that age, 15-25, is spent jerking off even for the sexually active males.
You say “the girl will probably be disappointed at my lack of experience. In addition, I feel as if I am way far behind my peers and that I won’t catch up.”
In most committed relationships, satisfaction with sex isn’t about any of the things that come with sexual experience. It’s about the passion and intimacy. In the real world, the things people complain about regarding sex are partners who are selfish, or who are a mis-match for their libido, or who aren’t willing to talk about sex or change. Experience has nothing to do with any of that.
Indeed, one of the beautiful things about sex is that every partner is different. The most important sexual skill is the ability to figure out what your partner wants and what works. Experience helps, but most men are too self-focused during sex until they are near your age to have had much experience with that anyway. You’re not behind the curve when it comes to learning what your future partner wants, because you don’t start until you meet her.
Trying to rationalize my 3.86 GPA as a reason why I’d be better off when in actuality I was socially stunted and chronically depressed with a heavy dose of suicidal ideation.
