In terms of the topic question, I guess what I am asking is whether a person who loses his virginity later in life (say 25+) is permanently stilted for not having benefited from the psychological, social, developmental, and sexual impacts of first sexual contact at age 15-17.
And this question is borne from my own experiences. I am 26 now, but I first had sex at 25 with a woman who was both younger than me and has consistently had sex since she was 15 with several prior sexual partners. Over time, then, it has become apparent that I suffer from several sexual hangups. As it stands, I do not know whether the Dope is the greatest venue to discuss those specific issues in detail, but, at the same time, I cannot help but think that all of my present problems simply would not exist today if I had begun having sex when I was still in high school.
Part of me is fixated on the idea that, at my age (again, 26), I should have slept with 15+ women by now, while another part of me can’t escape my past and this burning desire I have to go back in time and be more promiscuous as a teenager.
Has anybody on the Dope experienced this sort of thing before? How did you deal with it?
There may be a correlation between late sex and sexual hangups, but I doubt there is causation.
I didn’t really get sex right until I was almost 40, despite a fair amount of practice from age 18 on.
Rather than mourn the past, I would humbly suggest you live the life you wish to from now on. 26 is still fairly young, and you have plenty of time to have a rewarding and healthy life.
I can speak from personal experience. It is perfectly possible to be a virgin until age 26, and go to a quite satisfying sexual relationship. Multiple sexual partners are also not necessary.
It appears that lots of men have exaggerated to you.
Everyone suffers from sexual hangups. What one person finds normal in sex, another finds gross or kinky or immoral. I have never met anyone (and I know a lot of people with liberal notions about sex) for whom anything goes.
Here is what you didn’t learn by not having a lot of sex young - the trick is to find someone who feels more or less the same way about things - and more than sex, but the sex things are important - as you do. If you don’t think getting tied up (or tying someone up) is any fun, don’t date someone who thinks that’s necessary once in a while. The other thing is don’t judge them for what they do or have done. It isn’t your thing, move on. Maybe with this person not doing that thing, maybe with someone else.
Sex is a little like your taste in food. So I’m not a big fan of runny yolks on eggs. If you are, doesn’t make you a bad person. And maybe once in a while I try runny yolks on eggs under the notion that over time my tastes change. Or maybe you are asking me to eat tripe - and absolutely NOT. That’s just gross.
Anecdote =/= data, but I became sexually active at age 18, and I’ve slept with a grand total of 3 women. It certainly didn’t keep me from having a satisfying sex life.
I wasn’t sexually active before then because I barely dated in high school: the joy of going to an all-male school, limiting my opportunities to meet girls, and I was socially awkward as a teenager, anyway.
IMO, the idea that “if you haven’t had a large number of sexual partners, you’ve failed” is rubbish, and spending time obsessing about something that you can’t possibly change (i.e., going back in time to sleep around) does nothing to help (though, trust me, I know that it’s hard to tell your subconscious to not obsess about something).
Very few men have slept with 15+ women. The ones who have are usually either extremely attractive (male models or celebrities), or they are guys who have a deep seated need to fuck as many women as possible, probably to compensate for some emotional wound that never healed. Or they hang out with really easy women. Usually one of the above.
Anyway, as far as losing virginity late. I think the real issue is why a person was never in a position to do so. If you have trouble with intimacy, are very unattractive, terrible social skills, etc. that’ll pretty much eliminate your odds on the sexual marketplace. I think most people are more worried about that stuff than the are about whether a person has had 0 vs 1 sexual partner.
I’ve met lots of people who only had 1 sexual partner (their spouse) and they are doing fine.
I lost my virginity at 16, had a reasonable about of sex with some fairly attractive women, yet still couldn’t manage consistent happiness until I hit thirty (years old; not women).
I think versions of this question have come up before on the dope. I still say yes and no.
No first: We all are inexperienced at some point, and it really doesn’t matter when you start.
Yes: Having that feeling of not being normal can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s best not to overthink these things until you have a bit of exp IMO IME.
Plus I wonder if porn might cause some problems. I mean, if a person watches porn and doesn’t have any sexual experiences for some years, I can’t help feeling that particular view of sex might bring some baggage. I’m aware of how old-fashioned that sounds, but still.
In my experience this isn’t true at all. I don’t have a single friend (guys around 40 or so) that haven’t had sex with 15 or more women. None are models or celebrities. Just normal guys with who’ve had multiple relationships and the occasional one night stand.
That pretty much describes me: 40, several relationships, a couple trysts, and it still adds up to under 15. Slate put together a calculator: enter your age and your number of sex partners, and it shows you the histogram of where you fall. By their data, your experience is non-standard.
You’re running well above the median, but since around 20+% of men do reach that number I won’t suggest you’re all liars ;). I saw one blurb( NOT from the CDC )that suggested the average number varies widely by state, with Louisiana( highest, around 15 )and Utah( lowest, around 2 and a half )being the polar outliers.
Are there long-term downsides to losing your virginity late in life ? No
Are there long-term downsides to valuing the loss of your virginity too highly ? Yes
Are there long-term downsides to comparing yourself 1) to your peers, 2) to statistical norms, and using that as a gauge as to how “okay” you are ? Yes
I think the circumstances around losing it play into things as well. I lost mine in my late 20s as well, but that’s because it was held from me for so long and once I was able to sleep around I was so damaged from having it held against me that it’s caused a whole buncha hangups*. But someone who decided not to sleep around, or just didn’t find the right person until later in life isn’t going to have the same hangups as someone who wanted to, but couldn’t.
So, like everything else in life, it depends.
*Long stories short: I had two serious girlfriends at two separate times who, by coincidence, were “wait 'til marriage” girls. Both times, again by coincidence/bad luck, involved multi-year relationships with wedding planning involved and both girls left me for other boyfriends whom they had sex with shortly thereafter outside of marriage.
Bearing in mind that there is very likely not-small proportion of Americans who either (a) don’t have sex outside of marriage, and / or (b) don’t have sex with casual acquaintances (i.e., they might sleep with a boyfriend or girlfriend, but won’t sleep with someone they just met in a bar), that would contribute a lot to the low end of the distribution.