I don’t know. Like I said in the OP, my present GF (i.e., the only person I’ve slept with) is both several years younger than me yet vastly more sexually experienced than I am, both in terms of her numbers of prior sexual encounters and raw count of previous partners. Although she has contended that she regrets being so promiscuous at a younger age, I just…don’t believe that, since I cannot possibly envision how having such experiences while young could ever lead to long-term downsides.
More damaging to me, really, is my tendency to focus on how my gf’s first sexual partner (i.e., her first LTR), who was also 15 at the time, undoubtedly acquired innumerable long-term benefits from his earlier experiences with her, and how the guy likely continues to benefit from those experiences to this day. Somehow I need to break the cycle of focusing on such things, because it’s really skewing my view of the world in general, and it certainly is doing nothing to attenuate the hangups I have.
To the extent that I’ll address the bolded comment, I’ll just say that my hangups are performance-based rather than anything having to do with the actual act itself, and they’re things that I would have to address before I ever make any efforts to rapidly increase my number of partners.
And I do tend to fixate on the raw numbers aspect, if only because I think that increasing my count is likely the only way to address my issues and make up for the time I lost in high school.
Well, just for kicks, you could try believing in your girlfriend’s own assessment of her own experiences. Maybe she feels “cheap” or otherwise devalued due to her past. I’m not saying that she should (she shouldn’t) but you thinking she’s a liar or trying to placate you can’t help that any.
“Innumerable”? I think you are vastly overestimating the benefits of teen sex. Dude got laid in some clumsy fumbling manner. That’s it.
Seriously, for your own sake and the sake of anyone you ever date, you’re going to have to let this go. Sure, if you’re worried about being a good sexual partner then work on that but you can’t go around obsessing about your partner’s past because nearly everyone is going to have a past. And the older you get, the more than number approaches 100%.
Oh I know. I completely realize that this focus is neither normal nor helpful, and for the most part I do not spend too much time thinking about this in light of the roughly ten trillion other things that I have going on in my daily life. Every so often the topic re-arises, though, and that becomes unhelpful.
For women, having lots of sexual intercourse does not automatically equate to having lots of fun - it’s not unusual for women to NOT orgasm. Early sex with partners who have little or no knowledge of foreplay can be uncomfortable or even physical painful. There might be emotional trauma, erosion of trust, and a bunch of other things.
You’re assuming all sex is wonderful sex. It’s not. And when you have to very young, inexperienced people involved it is more likely to be a mess than a wonderful thing.
As a general rule, among women those who started earliest with sex seem (in my observation) to have had very unsatisfactory experiences. Those who waited until they were more mature tended to have better first experiences and less chaos.
For men - well, I’m not going to answer for the men. They can do that on their own.
Maybe you’ll believe the studies on this page, then. They are easy to find with an open ended, non-biased search. The science is unsettled, but every study that I have seen indicates early sexual activity does have potential negative consequences - emotional, physical and social.
I think the time period in which you were young and single might have some effect on your number of sexual partners.
For me it was the 70s, and early 80s.
Sex , casual sex,seemed to be pretty available as I recall.
Lost my virginity at 17, which at the time, I thought was late, but I guess , in retrospect,wasn’t actually.
Prior to getting married at twenty eight, I’d had just over forty different partners, and another ten after becoming a widower.
I’d never thought of that as a lot ,for that time period, though looking at this thread maybe it is.
The only downside is that men reach their sexual peak around age 18, but I didn’t lose my virginity until my early 20s, so we’ll never know how great I could have been. Seriously though, the best advice is to not sweat the stuff you can’t control like when you lost your virginity. You are where you are now. If what you describe as hangups are making you unhappy, or preventing you from having rewarding sex, you should try and get some help. Maybe that means talking to someone like a therapist, maybe that means reading a book about it. But I would not worry about when other people lost their virginity or how many partners they’ve had. I’ve been married a long time and couldn’t give a shit what other guys are doing with their dicks, stuff like that just doesn’t matter.
I can also testify that horniness does not necessarily decrease with age.
Plus, amount of sex over a lifetime is not proportional to the number of partners. Having one partner for a long time means no gaps in between.
It’s cheaper, too.
I don’t know. I guess what I am getting at is that I am making no judgments about whether individual sessions of sex were good or bad, but rather whether the act of engaging in those activities at the age of 15-17 yielded long term developmental benefits that just can’t be acquired by somebody who didn’t begin to have those experiences until he was (like me) in the latter half of his 20’s (or older).
Like, my gf may regret some of those experiences, but at the end of the day the sum total of them still made her better off sexually than I probably ever will be (ditto for her first partner at age 15).
Also, FWIW, it seems like at least half the time I have sex I don’t orgasm at all, so I can personally attest to the fact that it isn’t just women who struggle to get off during sex.
You keep talking about long-term developmental benefits that you may have missed out on, but I haven’t seen you explain what you imagine those long-term benefits are, the ones associated with simply becoming sexually active at 15-17. Not any benefits from something merely associated with sexual activity like a serious relationship, because after all, you can be sexually active without a real relationship or have a relationship without being sexually active. Are you under the impression that you will better at it at age 40 if you became sexually active at 17 rather than 25?
I was in my mid-20’s when I lost the V-card. That was in the 70’s when one-night stands were a thing after a night at tha disco. I had about six, they were very unsatisfying and not enjoyable, mentally or physically. I used birth control but was so terrified it would fail, I was in misery for days after…Now, I had a few long term relationships of varying satisfaction. But all in all, sex was not the mad, gay whirlwind of ecstasy everyone yakked yakked yakked about. Maybe they weren’t hittin’ it right. Maybe they were just lousy in bed. Maybe it was just my damaged self.
