It seems that whenever I get out of bed reluctantly, someone posts to this thread to lift my spirits. It’s working, too.
Actually, I’m a selfish, petty little man, enslaved to my own bestial appetites and utterly lacking in the qualities of mercy or lovingkindness. At least, that’s what it says on my Villains Guild application.
Hey! My long lost twin!
Personally, the two I’d like to meet most are Liberal (I know he’s gone, but I liked him and want him back), and RSSChen (I hear she gets primo legal weed).
My long-lost twin! Then YOU are the rightful heir to the throne of Northumbria!
How…interesting.
Eleusis, dear twin, that chair of yours has casters, doesn’t it? Would you mind sliding over about six inches to the right (your right, not my right) so you’re in line with the window? I want to send you a … pie.
Why are you all looking at me so suspiciously?
Sweet! I KNEW I just HAD to be heir to something! How much money, and when? Do I have to do anything?
Dammit! You’re not lazy too? Maybe we’re just long lost cousins. Unfortunately, my ass is for the time being firmly emplanted unto this couch with no castors 
Shit, I love pie too.
No, no, you needn’t do anything. I’ve been holding the throne for you until you show up. I’ll just need you to move over to the window so that I get get a bead on you with my sniper rifle. I mean, camera. You know, for verification. Yeah, that’s it.