Well…
Apparently many women are quit willing to shack up with stupid men who dont understand their “sophisticated” emotional views of how the world works and should be.
If these superior women can hack it, so can he…
The thing is, it’s true. My girlfriend is a very logical person. She’s more logical than many guys I know (I mean this in a good way). However, this is a typical scenario that can happen in our relationship:
I am currently studying for the CFA exam in my free time. I try to spend time with my gf on the weekends (i.e., studying in the same room as her, eating meals together, etc). She appreciates this effort.
One evening, she is going to meet friends for dinner and asks me to come. I politely decline, saying I have to study. She goes to the dinner, and I get some good studying in.
When she comes back, she wants to “talk.” She asks me if this is going to be how things will be for the next 3 years (the amount of time it takes to pass all 3 CFA exams). I say yes, it probably will be. Wrong answer. We then proceed to have a 4+ hour conversation well into the night about how this will impact our relationship. I finally realized (and she even admitted) that all I should do next time is reassure her that it won’t be like that, and that everything will be alright, even if it is a lie.
It wasn’t that she was trying to be manipulative. It was just that what she felt was overriding her reason. I know that you only have my word when I say that she is a very logical person, but allow me that consideration for now. It is this kind of interaction that many of us men have encountered in our relationships, even with the sane/good/logical girls. For me at least, I have found that it’s better to accept that every girl is at least a little bit crazy, and adjust my actions accordingly.
I was giving one example where two communication styles could respond differently to the same situation. That doesn’t mean these styles will always respond differently to all situations. There are plenty of situations where most men and woman respond the same way. The different communication styles can help explain why men and women sometimes respond differently to the same situation and then don’t understand each others responses.
Their own status - how much people respect them. Where one communication style might want to be liked, another style would rather be respected. People who have more problems are less likely to be respected. That’s why people who value their status might take someone sympathizing with their problems the wrong way.
If guy 1 says “I had a hard time changing my tire too,” then guy 2 might think that guy 1 is saying that he thinks guy 2 has a hard time changing tires. That can be seen as a small attack on guy 2’s status because it implies that guy 2 isn’t good at changing tires.
It is bad communication. But it is bad communication resulting from two people making different assumptions about how each person communicates.
In some situations it’s obvious whether an answer calls for pragmatism or empathy. The examples I gave were intentionally ambiguous to show how two intelligent people, with different assumptions about communication, would answer them differently. When someone tells you “I didn’t sleep well yesterday,” what would your response be? Would you honestly think about whether this person wants pragmatism or empathy before you answered?
If you don’t think a majority of men and women would respond to this statement differently, then that’s understandable. Your experience is telling you something different and my book cite isn’t enough evidence for you. I"m not going to look for more evidence, so if the book isn’t enough for you then we’ll just have to agree to disagree on this issue.
Honestly when people tell me they’ve been having trouble sleeping my natural instinct would be to ask why they think that is. From there it becomes pretty obvious quickly if they’re interested in sleep tips or if they’re just talking. Of course I wouldn’t consciously think in the binary terms you laid out, as I’m sure you wouldn’t expect. But I really think it’s pretty easy to tell what people are looking for if you just listen to them.
I think you misunderstand. I don’t dislike women and I don’t think they are incapable of comprehending logic and reason. It is simply my observation that women generally tend to focus more on “feelings”. The danger with focusing too much on how things make you feel is that you may ignore how things actually are if they feel unpleasent (or if they feel good for that matter).
You are a woman, correct? My first clue was obviously your user name, which I assume is a vaginal reference. More importantly, I noticed that your entire “argument” consisted of nothing but personal attacks and attempts to immasculate me. Same with MeanOldLady (who I assume is actually a mean old lady IRL). This actually proves my point for me. I wrote something that contradicts your view of the world and yourself. You are smart, educated, empowered women as good as any man, right? How dare I imply otherwise! And now I’m a dick husband getting his head chewed off in the frozen food aisle wondering why he’s getting yelled at over something that happened 3 years ago.
Well it’s not about one sex being better than the other. It’s about men and women processing the same information differently and deriving different conclusions.
Also, we can and do discuss how cultural and social differences in the Black and Jewish communities can contribute to the socioeconomic profile of those communities.
High comedy. I’m just too old to be bothered to engage you in a discussion about women, considering you’ve written roughly one zillion posts about how women don’t like you, wildly speculating it was perhaps because you weren’t a d-bag. Yes, yes, that is the logical conclusion! “Surely women are strange and irrational, because it would be downright silly to conclude anything is wrong with me.”
Well, I guess you’ve finally found someone who likes you. Good for you. I’ll drink to that.
WTF???
That was me! That was me!
Carry on…
Oh fuzzy, I’m tired of explaining the importance of gender.
No gender is not the answer to why people behave the way they do. But the idea is that either gender can be confusing to the other. The reasons behind it may be gender specific, and the confusion that is wrought in the other person may be gender specific to THAT person.
The point is to better understand the other gender. Although I’ve hear men say I don’t understand women.
A top complaint from women is, ugh men don’t even TRY to understand women.
SOOOOO, there is a distinct REASON for it. Try as you might gender is an important factor of life.
Segregating people into groups is not the result of discussing. Discussing opens new ideas. Whereas people who come in here with their mind already made up are the ONLY ONES WHO WILL SUPPORT THE THEORY THAT gender based discussion will lead to worse answers.
Yes every person is individual, but I would like to point out the thinking you are a special person who is unlike the rest is foolish, selfish, and narcicisstic.
You are not that special. If someone hits you across the face, you are no differnet than anybody else. Somebody tortures you? You going to cry and whine liek everybody else. You think that your an individual because of the things you have decided to like. Things you decided to do etc…
The truth is that the people who think they are individuals they say things liek this:
“I’m not like that, god i would just do it liek this instead, people should be more like ME”
No one cares to be anything like, and there are already millions of people who are just like you anyway, but theyre the ones who would never admit that because they are going to claim that they are individuals.
I donno, but I think that you should be able to ban people for comments like that.
Does it make me a jerk if I think someone is making an ignorant comment based on nothing but their own stupidity to back it?
Or does it make me a jerk because I voice it. Sometimes people deserve it…
But the thing I agree with the MOST
Is the relationship in and of themselves are confusing. It’ll be hard no matter what. You’ve got to give a little if you want to get a little.
You cant shove it down their throat if you are right, and you have to admit to being wrong when you are wrong.
It’s difficult. they might think your selfish because your angry and they feel sad and mad and bad. They’ll think that you don’t consider how you feel.
You think Theyre selfish because your super mad for what theyve done and all they can think about is how sad the feel and how theyre blaming you for not considering that they are hurt.
In order to win. Both parties have to GIVE IN a little bit. It doesnt work if one tries to force that they are right. It doest work feeling sympathetic and sorry for yourself. People don’t respond to these things, they get pissed off instead.
Asking them why they had trouble sleeping wouldn’t tell you if they wanted empathy or pragmatism. What if the person said “I kept thinking of a fight I had with my sister”? Would you respond with a story of your own bad sleep experience or with solutions to the problem?
The point is that it can be hard to tell if you don’t know the two different assumptions different people can make in these situations.
Don’t take Crafter all that seriously. Unless he’s holding your cat in a bag down by the river. Then give him whatever he wants.
I assume this isn’t directed at me since I don’t think I’ve ever written any posts about how “women don’t like me because I’m not a d-bag”. But typically when one no longer wants to engage in an online discussion, they stop typing and go on to something else. They don’t try to get one more insult in.
I would ask what the fight was about. Wouldn’t anybody?
She may have been referring to this:
Sure looks like you think women (on the SDMB at least) dislike you because of your chivalrous nature and your middle class lifestyle.
You’ve got nothing to feel inferior about, smitty. From our past conversations on the nature of work, I get the sense you’re a real nut-cutting hardass where business is concerned. That’s the kind of alpha maleness a lot of women can relate to.
The problem is that white guys drive like this ‘doody doody doo’ and black guys drive like this ‘yo yoooo.’
Oh sorry, wrong idiotic premise.
No, the problem is that most men are straight shooting John Wayne types and women are conniving snakes with huge silicone tits, and–ooh, shoes! Sorry, got distracted.
I like them. They just probably haven’t had the chance to get to know me.