A single female friend of mine was griping about the fact that a recently single friend of hers was scooping up all the available decent quality datable men in town making them unavailable to her. I looked at her oddly, and asked why this was the case. Why couldn’t she date someone her friend had broken it off with after a few dates or even a few months. She explained to me that women are more terriorial than men in this respect, and that within a circle of female friends a man, once dated, is off limits to the rest of the circle. A man is not put back into play when dating ends, but is considered off limits to the rest of the friends. To violate this rule is seen as tantamount to betrayal of some unspoken code.
This group of approximately 6-7 female friends range from 40-55 years old. This is not a huge town and if this stricture is followed I can see why this would be an issue. On the other hand the griping woman, though attractive, is a very non-proactive dater, and is basically waiting for a relationship to fall in her lap, so I don’t think she really has much room to complain about her busier friend.
Is this generally true in female groups? In male groups I have never found this remotely to be the case, and in fact men will set up their friends with ex girlfriends.
I don’t know. I’m thinking back to when I was in college and dating in a certain circle; if that condition had held, I’m not sure any of us would be married. Certainly a casual date or two didn’t make a guy off-limits. I went on a date with a guy and went home and told my roommate she should go out with him. They got married. My husband asked a future roommate of mine out before he asked me out. That girl went on to seriously date my husband’s roommate, who was the ex-fiance of my other roommate, and by then we were sharing a house. (Really.) It was a slightly intertwined circle, but I don’t recall people freaking out over stuff like that. In a limited population, if people are looking for marriage, maybe rules like that go out the window.
My Boston-bred girlfriend was shocked when my best friend (of 40 years) started dating my ex wife. My girlfriend seemed especially disturbed that this didn’t bother me. She said this “just wasn’t done” among her women friends. I’ve heard this before, that the code among women is much stricter.
I could see – maybe – there being an embargo against a guy who’d had a long, serious relationship with a female friend – but a guy she went out with a few times (or even for several months) but parted from on good terms? Yikes. Weird.
There are no hard and fast rules about this. You should know your friend well enough to discern whether dating this guy would be a problem for her, and if you think it will, you should be able to weigh your attraction to this guy against your desire to maintain good relations with your friend.
I can’t imagine being bent out of shape over someone dating an ex of mine, unless she either knew that I wasn’t over him, or unless it had ended so badly that it’s unreasonable to expect me to socialize with him. And since I can’t think of any exes who fit either qualification, all’s fair.
I don’t know about saying not remotely true. Among guys I know If it was a one date, or didn’t quite work, or even parted as friends, then sure, go ahead. But if there was a breakup with any kind of ill feelings then having anything to do(except as forced by family or previous relationship) with someones ex was worthy of total shunning, and one of the greatest man betrayals.
I agree that it depends on the length and type of relationship, and what has been said about the guy between friends! If a guy has been labeled a cheating asshole after a lengthy period of dating and sex, I’d be very shocked and disappointed if any of my friends went out with him. Any woman who knew me and dated my ex-husband would get a sympathy card from me and possibly that would be the last time I spoke to her. But someone I had dated casually, and not slept with, and wasn’t dumped by, and wasn’t pining over? As long as I’m dating someone else, they can have them.
Maybe? There was an article just yesterday that summed up some sort of dating poll giving to a few thousand women and it said 24% of women are fine with friends dating their exes. Are more than 1 in 4 men okay with the same?
Like was said above, if he’s been labeled a cheating asshole I wouldn’t want to go out with my friend’s ex.
I have gone out with a couple of her ex’s though, which was fun but nothing ever came of it. I at least had an idea about them, and she’s going to be married in just over a month so she doesn’t care. She’s the one who suggested them!
I doubt it’s more than 1 in 10. If it was a long-term relationship, maybe, but as for casual dating, there’s no code. Not in my experience, anyway. Back in the day, my friends and I thought nothing of asking each other for a girl’s phone number if the other guy was done with her.
Back in the halcyon teenage years, I was double dating with a friend - her date asked my date if he could have me ‘when you’re done’.
My date said sure.
I tore them both a new one and my friend got mad at *me *for upsetting her boyfriend!
So glad I’m not a teenager anymore.
As others have said - I’d have no problem after a short term casual (either dating or having ex dated). Long term, I would either know too much about them from friend or would have to judge very carefully how it would effect friend.
It varies between social groups. I actually got burned by this one. My social set in college certainly did not have any taboo about dating someone’s ex. There were several people who dated multiple people within the group. In one case there were some jealousy issues but no one suggested that dating different people within the group was inherently bad behavior. After college I had a friend who went through men like nothing and I hooked up with one of her previous flings. She reacted like I’d stolen her fiance the week before the wedding and was convinced that my hooking up with her ex was universally just not allowed. I thought she was nuts and wouldn’t acknowledge having done anything wrong. So, depends on the woman. And situations can be complicated by both parties thinking their view is universal.