This doesn’t seem unreasonable to me, I guess, but I find it puzzling. When I was in high school, I was involved in a number of extracurricular activities, and of course my parents new (they came to school plays and whatnot) but if I had decided to drop something, it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to ask my parents’ permission, and I don’t think it would have occurred to them to interfere, either. Maybe this depends on what extracurriculars you’re involved in or how they’re managed at the kids’ school, but I guess I don’t understand why it would be an issue for parents to get involved in at all. Why do you force them to stay involved in an activity that they end up disliking? I guess I understand the basic idea of keeping one’s commitments, but I guess I don’t understand exactly why being involved in an extracurricular is a commitment in the first place.
The only real commitments I felt involving any of the extracurriculars I was involved in were school plays, but it wouldn’t have occurred to me to even try to drop out - that would have fucked a bunch of other people over. Is it that sort of thing you mean? In that case, it makes sense (though again, I would have felt it was a matter between me and the other students, not one involving my parents. Had I ever even thought about it, I’m sure the social consequences of it would have scared me off.) Because I sort of read what you said to mean “You joined the basket-weaving club and by God you’ll stay in it!” which doesn’t strike me as draconian but I still don’t understand.
Is it a matter of some activities costing money to join? Or needing insurance? When I was in high school, I did cross-country skiing, and my mom almost had an anyeurism when I told her “It costs ten dollars.” She calmed down once I clarified that it was ten dollars for the whole semester, not ten dollars a day, but I can see how that could happen. Some schools are underfunded for extracurrs, which makes them literally pay-to-play.
Also, my neice (one year younger) was on the flag corps, and her grandma (guardian) pitched a similar fit over the complex insurance forms to be filled out. I never thought of flag corps as a high-risk sport, but I guess they had their reasons. Anyway, point is, if the activity costs money and effort to the parents, I can see why they’d want the kid to stick it out. Otherwise, what Excalibre said. Let the kid assume their own responsibility.
I think I’m probably middle of the road. My motto is “Say yes, unles there’s a good reason to say no”. So we haven’t gotten into too many hassles about hair (length, style, color). Only get into hassles about clothes if they really don’t fit well, or are wildly inappropriate to the occasion. They all have chores, and as much freedom as they can safely handle. The 15-year-old actually has more freedom than the 18-year-old, because she’s proven herself more trustworthy. I do insist on proper behavior in public, and good manners. I’ve always been appalled at people who let their kids run around screaming in public places, and was always told “You’ll feel differently when you have kids”. Well, I have kids, and I’m still appalled at that kind of behavior.
I’m a very relaxed/permissive parent. I let my daughter pick out her clothes since she was old enough to state a preference (about 3) as long as they were clean and appropriate for the weather. She also got to do whatever she wanted with her hair and I wasn’t especially worried if her room was a mess. She had chores and did them with a little nagging on my part.
I stopped doing her laundry when she was about 11. That’s also when I stopped caring if she never put her clothes away or cleaned her room.
I checked her school work until she was in high school then I just helped when asked and talked to her about the importance of a good education.
What I did with her is tell her she could always talk to me about anything and I would listen and try not to get emotional even if it was something fairly huge. What I told her since she was old enough to understand what I was blathering on about is that she’s smart and I expect her to make smart choices. I taught her to think before she acted and to be as careful as she could and to trust her instincts.
So far this has served us well. She’s 19, in college, has a part time job, pays for her own car and she’s a real joy to be around (a complete lack of that teenager attitude). I still worry about her and tell her to be careful when she’s going “out” but I pretty much let her do what she wants.
And sometimes when I ask her if she’s going to clean her room she actually does it!
When I have kids, I’m planning to let stuff like clothes and hair slide. I have bad memories of fighting with my mother over those things when I was a teenager. We started getting along a lot better once she figured out that there were many things that were much worse to be than the fashion dropout and sloppy dresser that I am.
Everybody’s going to cringe when they look back at pictures of them in high school- what does it matter if the cause is weird hair or fashionable-at-the-time-but-silly-looking-now clothes or glasses?
It’s more than just the money to me. I think that parents need to teach their kids that they just can’t continually drop out of things because it’s too hard or they’re not winning enough - they need to see through what they started, particularly in a team sport. Just imagine if your niece had decided to drop out of the flag corps halfway through the season. It probably would have screwed up the choreography for the whole squad. Once you’re on a team, you have an obligation to the team. However, if they tried a new activity just once or twice and realized that it really wasn’t for them, I’d let them reconsider.
I went through this when my kids were younger, but I don’t worry about it now that they’re teens. They know that they need to follow through with their obligations.
Mrs. Heir and I see eye to eye on just about every childraising point, and we’re always careful not to break ranks in front of our three boys, ages 9, 6 and (almost) 3. We expect the two eldest to keep their rooms at least moderately tidy. We don’t let them go on sleepovers if we don’t know the parents and kids where they’ll be staying. We make sure they’ve done their homework. We control their TV and computer time, and often have said “no” to movies that we know they’re not ready for, despite anguished pleas of “But all the other kids in my class have seen it!” The two eldest are expected to carry their dishes, cups, etc. to the kitchen, to be kind and helpful to each other, and to come instantly when called.
They’re free, within broad limits, to choose their own clothes each morning, and can grow and comb their hair as they want to (although our eldest’s hair is longer than I’d like right now, truth be told, I haven’t insisted that he have it cut shorter).
Their usual punishment is being sent to their rooms, or loss of privileges (a favorite TV show, an earlier bedtime, no dessert). I’ve spanked the two eldest now and then, when they were especially bad - although not in over a year for either of them, come to think of it (which may support my belief that a little discipline now will pay big dividends down the road, and its corrollary, that it’s much easier to correct bad behavior in a little kid than in a teenager).
But no hard liquor until they’re at least twelve. I’m not budgin’ on that.
I’m pretty strict about manners. No elbows on the table, napkin on the lap, etc. Yes, Please and No, Thank You. Hold the door open for others (male or female). That sort of thing.
I’m strict about schoolwork, but then we homeschool so I’m pretty much in charge anyway.
I’m lenient about chores. He doesn’t have a lot, but is expect to help out when asked without complaining.
He’s currently growing his hair out from his faux-hawk he had last summer (which he spiked up with blue or red hair gel). He’s planning for it to be long, past his shoulders. I’m Ok with that. He can wear what he wants as long as he is neat, clean and dressed aproprately enough for the situation.
We let him watch movies we think he’s old enough for regardless of rating.
He doesn’t have to make his bed, actually he’s been sleeping in a sleeping bag on his bed lately. His room only has to be clean enough to walk through w/o tripping.
FTR, Suburban Plankton and I have one son, aged 7½. He’s a good kid. We treat him with respect and he generally does the same for us. We get compliments on how well he converses with adults and gets along with other kids.
I’m strict about what’s important to me, and lenient otherwise. Like norinew, I go by “say yes unless there’s a good reason to say no.”
My daughter is fifteen, and our only significant battle is her grades. She’s very bright, but lazy. Her stated attitude toward homework is “If we can’t get this done on their time, how important is it, really?” So… homework is the one thing I’m a bear on. We’ve got a system. Her teachers send me her assignments, I make sure those assignments are done, and her teachers let me know they’ve been handed in. I’ve been told that I’m not doing her any favors, and she should learn to do this independently. My response to that is “Let her learn it in college. My job is to make sure she gets there.” Obviously I hope to not have to do this for the next three years, but for now, it’s working.
Her room is her domain. I have only two rules for it. I (or a rescue worker of some sort) must be able to walk through it without risking injury, and I don’t care how cluttered it is, as long as it’s not dirty. If I find dishes, food wrappers, empty soda bottles, etc., then *I’m * going to clean it. Nobody want’s that.
As for her hair, I’m okay with anything that doesn’t require bleaching it. If she can find a shade of green that will show up on her dark brown hair, more power to her.
Overall, she’s a great kid. Smart, funny, well-mannered and responsible (except for that damned homework). She has wonderful friends, and her teachers and my friends and co-workers sing her praises. So I figure I must be doing okay.
