I ask this question in the hopes of finding out if this is a legit concern or if I’m a paranoid freak.
Does your spouse walk ahead of you all the time out in public (stores, restaurants, walks with the dog, etc etc)… and if so, does it bother you? Well, it’s bothering me. My husband has been doing this more and more frequently (last couple years). Hell, sometimes I’m still finishing my drink at the restaurant and he’s halfway to the car in the parking lot. Getting groceries, he’s in a different aisle getting the other stuff… take the dog out for a walk? I’m on the sidewalk, he walks in the street. (FWIW: I’m not a slow walker nor am I hideous). He always verbally tells me wonderful things, but I don’t understand the obvious desire to not be seen with me Even when we do sit down to eat at a restaurant or are taking a walk through a store, he is scanning the room the entire time - I consistently have to get his attention to talk to him. ?? What is he looking for?
Yes, I’ve brought this up to him and his reply? “You are NUTS and totally insecure and I’ve had it up to here with that!”. Soooo… is this normal? (background: married 8 years, he had an emotional affair 4 years ago, FWIW).
It may not be you, but just a general impatience on your husband’s part. It sounds like he doesn’t think it’s a problem, as you have brought it up to him.
As far as the grocery store, maybe believes that he’s being helpful going off to get things in other aisles to speed up getting out of the store.
But the going for a walk would bother me as well if my spouse always walked ahead.
Either you tell him it’s an important issue for you and he listens or you’re going to have to deal with it.
I’m not married, but I’d be bothered by it. If I’m walking with someone, I expect to walk at around the same pace which would allow us to have conversation as we walk. There’s exceptions, like if we are walking around a museum or something like that I don’t expect us to walk side by side to see each painting. Or if we were rushing to get to a movie or bus on time then his fast walk or run might be faster than mine and he might get ahead of me. But if we were walking to a restaurant or walking a dog or something else where we are just casually walking together I would expect him to stay with me.
Being in a different aisle in the grocery store wouldn’t bother me, since maybe he can get some stuff while you’re getting other stuff. But him already being out the door of the restaurant while you’re still finishing your drink is weird.
Yes, it would bother me. We’re a partnership of equals and we like to be with each other.
That doesn’t mean we’re joined at the hip -and some of your examples sound like stuff my husband and I do. For example, we’ll often take different aisles at the supermarket to speed up the shopping process. And when we go to a restaurant, I do like to scan around the restaurant and do a bit of people watching because there’s only so much that two people can talk about in an evening.
But your example of him being halfway to the car in the parking lot whilst you’re still inside a restaurant is uncool. Does he treat his friends like that or just you?
He does have a tendency to be impatient and uber-efficient, and I’ve taken that into consideration. Sometimes he’ll start clearing the table while the kids and I are still eating. Something really feels “off” about the walking away from me in public though, perhaps I’m taking it too personally. It feels disrespectful. He stayed way behind me at DQ once, and when I went back to find him, he was chatting it up with an attractive women he knows from a local business. Then spent the rest of the time glancing up at her and blushing. puke
Mr. Athena has a tendency to start talking while we walk, and he walks slower… and slower… and slower. Sometimes he just STOPS. So yeah, I walk in front of him, without even trying, because he ends up at a snail’s pace. If I didn’t, I think we wouldn’t walk, I think he’d stop walking and we’d stand there instead.
The funny thing is, his mother used to do the same thing, and it drove him nuts. We are our parents (I’m sure I do stuff my mother does, so it evens out…)
Funny thing #2: he does it while driving, too. If he gets on a tear, I need to keep an eye on the speedometer lest we get pulled over for going 15 in a 55 zone.
I’m kind of a fast walker and my wife has complained before about my walking ahead of her. I don’t do it intentionally, it’s just the way I walk and I have to make a conscious decision to slow down to match her pace when we are out walking.
What’s funny is that when we are walking through a crowd, the roles are reversed. She has a talent for weaving her way through a crowd that I can’t match and she can be a good fifty feet or more ahead of me before she realizes I’m not keeping up. So I guess that makes us somewhat even.
You have bigger problems than whether your spouse is walking behind you or not. You clearly have unresolved trust issues in your marriage from your spouse’s prior infidelity. It is impossible for me (or anyone in this thread) to say whether your fears and concerns about your spouse’s behavior are justified or are just being overly paranoid, but this is something you really need to work out with him. Counseling would not be a terrible idea, IMO.
It sounds like if this behavior isn’t new then he’s recently taken it to extremes.
The one thing you said that is the strangest is that he’s constantly scanning the crowd in public. It sounds to me like he’s worried someone might see him with another woman. If he was having an affair and the other woman knew he was married he wouldn’t have to worry but if he’s seeing someone who doesn’t know he’s married he would. I think you’re having a bad feeling about this now for a reason. You’re not a paranoid freak and him dismissing your feelings and calling you nuts is pretty classic behavior from someone who has something to hide.
In a lot of public places I prefer to walk behind my husband like in parking lots or in the grocery store where otherwise we would have to constantly merge single file for people or cars. It bugs him but I’m not obviously trying to be as far as possible from him at all times, we are still definitely a couple.
There might be an element of insecurity involved here that you may want to take a look at.
The statements made about looking around at restaurants and who is he looking for… that’s not a normal thing to think about when your partner takes his eyes off you to survey the room for a bit.
Also, bringing up an emotional affair he had when the problem is he seems to walk faster than you and go to different aisles to speed up shopping smacks of a lack of trust. Do you think he is wandering off to meet someone or something?
We are in counseling. It still doesn’t do anything for his incessant room scanning and walking at the greatest distance from me as possible. It boils down to this: he doesn’t like to be near me. But yet completely and utterly denies it if I bring it up (gently, even). He says nothing is wrong, “I love you so much”, and I have nothing to worry about. Yet the words and actions don’t match.
My first knee-jerk reaction was that you were being over-sensitive. Then you put in the bit about him having an emotional affair. I think the behavior you’re describing would bother me a lot, too, especially leaving me in a restaurant. The other - walking on the street while I’m walking on the sidewalk, going to another aisle in the grocery probably wouldn’t bother me. If he’s on the street and you’re on the sidewalk, is he walking next to you? If so, he could just be doing that so you don’t smack into each other while walking. Going into another aisle at the store is more efficient.
But after him having an affair, I can understand you being suspicious. Have you brought up your concerns to the counselor you’re seeing, too?
How does he act at home? Does he always try to be in a different part of the house? Really, if he doesn’t want to ever be around you, how can he really love you?
I walk ahead of my wife all the time because she is slow and I want her to speed up so we can get wherever we are going. On the other hand, she wants me to slow down so she goes even slower. I could claim she is trying to distance herself from me.
That is not what is going on with the OP and her husband. Even before I got to the DQ story I was guessing he was scanning the room for someone attractive to look at or maybe even a specific person. Sounds to me like he has one foot out the door already emotionally. Perhaps he is checking out what else is available out there? Sounds hard when I type it.
Bring this up in counseling. My wife and I did some counseling and we danced around the tough questions for a long time. Good luck Redbloom.
I suspect if you asked Prince Philip he’d say “hell yes!”
Doesn’t matter to me. If we’re working our way through a large crowd, people seem more willing to move out of her way than mine, so I use her as my blocking fullback.
It depends on what he’s trying to accomplish by walking ahead of you.
For example, why is he going to the car before you when you leave the restaurant? Isn’t he going to have to wait for you to get to the car anyway? If he’s going to the car so he can drive it over to the restaurant and pick you up (and therefore get home earlier), I’d say that may be overly efficient but I don’t find that problematic.
I vastly prefer walking behind my wife, at least in a semi-crowded place where there are lots of things to look at (e.g. while shopping). She can move in any direction at any time without warning (doubling back, veering abruptly to one side, you name it); it’s far, far easier to keep my attention focused forward rather than trying to match all of her evasive maneuvers.
Feeling like your spouse doesn’t want to be near you must be awful. You really can’t make any progress in a marriage if one person’s actions don’t match their words. Have you emphasized how shitty this makes you feel in counseling?
Even when we do sit down to eat at a restaurant or are taking a walk through a store, he is scanning the room the entire time - I consistently have to get his attention to talk to him. ?? What is he looking for?