I’m a slow walker, and Hubster has long legs. If he gets ahead of me, he just takes off.
I’ll yell to him, “Hey, send me a postcard when you get there!”
Now that we’re older, my knees have caused me to become unsteady at times. So he often will stay at my side, to see if I need help up over the curb, or if I just need to hang onto him.
YOUR guy is rude. Seriously rude. And it definitely needs to be addressed in counseling. “Why are you treating other people nicer than you are treating the one you love?”
~VOW
They really don’t. The advice is usually to listen to his actions, not his words - this is definitely something to go over in counseling. I don’t think you’re overreacting or anything - what he’s doing is making you feel a certain way, and you both need to figure out what to do about it.
I had to look to see if this was my husband posting this.
Even if he doesn’t think it’s a problem, he shouldn’t be so disrespectful and dismissive of your concerns. Telling someone “you’re nuts and I’ve had it up to here with that” is not respectful. I would bet he doesn’t talk to his friends or his boss that way. What makes him think it’s OK to talk to you that way? Have you talked to the counselor about this?
Have you let yourself go since getting married? If you’ve put on weight, he could be legitimately embarrassed to be seen with you. Not to make you feel bad, but it’s a possibility.
Yeah, I’m annoyed. I’m tired of running to catch up to him. But it’s got nothing to do with him not wanting to be seen with me - and I never thought it did. I don’t think your issue is the walking or the looking around in restaurants or stores. It’s clear you don’t trust him. I don’t know if you should or not, but I suspect if you trusted him and felt secure, the walking ahead would be at most a minor annoyance.
I tend to walk ahead of my GF, but then I walk ahead of everybody. It’s more a case of me being a naturally fast walker than anything. She makes up for it by randomly getting distracted by shiny things in stores and peeling off in random directions without me noticing. Granted, usually I notice she’s falling behind and I go back and grab her hand and resume walking my normal speed (unless she got distracted in which case I go back and wait for her to get done looking).
As for your situation, it sounds like you may be being a bit oversensitive, but without being there watching it unfold in real time I can’t really say for sure.
My husband is quite a bit taller than me and walks much faster in general. When we are walking together he ALWAYS walks with me. If it’s narrow or crowded he may be a bit ahead or behind me, but he never walks off way ahead or anything like described in the OP. I would find it disrespectful. Well, not the grocery store part, that’s just speedy shopping.
If there hadnt been an affair in the past Id be thinking possibly jumping at shadows.
If theres general agreement that there was one and that it was serious, I guess the main thing to consider would be how you found out last time - was there lots of denial and fibbing, or was it pretty clearcut. Did he do things afterwards to deal with what had happened or did he just say it will never happen again.
The other thing I guess would be if theres been lots of baseless accusations before, or whether this is the first time you’ve really got worried again.
Your counsellor should have some sense of this, as they’ve seen both of you. The biggest problem here is we’re only hearing one side of the story, and theres lots of possible issues that could change peoples take on it.
Regardless of why he’s doing what he’s doing, its gotta suck feeling that doesn’t want to be seen with you.
Has he always been this way or is this just a recent phenomenon? If he’s just a fast walker who likes to people watch, this shouldn’t be a new issue for y’all. But if there’s something more behind it, then I could see it being new.
Does he show love for you in other ways? Like show random acts of affection or freely compliments you or initiates conversations with you that show he’s interested in your life? Does his overall way of relating to you seem dramatically different than it used to be? If he acts loving in other ways, this should factor into your assessment too.
You can’t control him, remember. You can only control yourself. Since you’ve already told him the way his actions make you feel and he hasn’t changed, perhaps you should stop inviting him along to certain things. Go to the grocery store by yourself. Leave him at home when it’s time to walk the dog. Make dinner plans with other people. Don’t be dramatic about it; just do it. You shouldn’t necessarily exclude him from everything, but you have to think of your sanity. If he balks at being left out, calmly tell you’ve him that by walking away he’s sending the signal that he doesn’t want to be seen with you. Then let him disabuse of you that notion with his actions.
There’s no reason it can’t be both. Of course I don’t know for sure; nobody knows for sure why this guy is acting the way he’s acting, not even the OP, which is why I asked a question instead of making a blanket statement. We also don’t know much at all about the OP, but it’s still a possibility. I’ve read countless desperate posts online about partners who stopped taking care of themselves. It could be related to weight gain, or hygiene, spending all her energy on their kids to his (perceived) detriment, or sexual stagnation/lack of interest, etc etc etc. If the OP *has *let herself go, and her husband is upset about it, then maybe he doesn’t want to be seen with her in public. All the evidence she’s posted so far indicates that he’s not a good communicator, though, so even if this were a contributing factor, he might never tell her so.
At any rate, all *we *can do is speculate as bystanders. It’s just one possible explanation of many, nobody else had mentioned the possibility, so I brought it up. Maybe this isn’t a factor whatsoever. Who knows?
He might also have started taking LSD unbeknownst to her and could constantly be having hallucinations that she’s a giant purple rabbit beast with fangs, and that’s why he wants to avoid her. I’m not sure this sort of baseless speculation is helpful, though.
I have the opposite problem – trying to get my wife not to walk behind me. It’s not a cultural thing like in Japan – I often kid her that people will think she’s my Japanese wife – but she often walks a certain distance behind me. Says she can’t walk as fast as I do, but here’s the thing: She is walking the same speed as I am, because the distance between us stays the same.
Do you have reason to think this is a common reason for a man to avoid being seen with his wife? How many people have ever asked for advice (online or otherwise) about hallucinating that their spouses are giant purple rabbit beasts?
Attempting to lump your fanciful word salad in with the legitimate possibility I brought up doesn’t illegitimize my advice. It just makes you look petty and illogical (fallacy of the excluded middle, yo).
My ex walked ahead of me, in an almost spiteful way. I won’t say it’s the reason we divorced, but the attitude around it and the utter dismissal of my hurt feelings and put downs when I tried to discuss it were certainly examples of the general tenor of our relationship and one of the reasons I left.
My current SO is a room scanner. Comes from a 35 year career as a paramedic and a splash of PTSD. He’s always looking for the emergency about to break out any moment when we’re in a public place. Because he’s kind and compassionate and does try to make better eye contact and conversation, and because he’s been willing to admit it’s odd and I’m not crazy for being a bit flustered by it, it’s okay with me. I’ve been able to adjust my expectations and realize that if I want a romantic candlelit dinner where he stares into my eyes for long minutes…it’s going to have to be at home.
