Good advice and insights! It made me think and see things from a different perspective.
I tend to walk faster than my husband but I’m not trying to dissociate myself from him. Sometimes I forget that his back bothers him and he has to take it slower. I’m not deliberately being thoughtless - it usually happens when I’m trying to get something done and I’m thinking about my goal, not my poor sweetie. But he’s quick to say something and I adjust my pace. Holding hands would help, but what works on a walk thru the neighborhood seems out of place in Lowe’s.
Pfft. Your possibility has just as much evidence and is, IMO, equally ridiculous. The OP gave us several details about the situation, including that there was an emotional affair some time ago, but mentioned nothing about gaining a lot of weight. “Oh, and by the way, this behavior started since I gained 75 pounds” would probably have been a relevant thing to mention, and yet she did not, and still hasn’t, even after you brought up the helpful possibility that maybe her husband just doesn’t like her anymore because she’s a fatty fat.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go have lunch with my fanciful word salad. Mm, delicious word salad.
Another vote for “it’s not about the walking”.
IMHO he is struggling internally with his commitment to the relationship.
He really believes his words that he loves you - but he is probably a tinge annoyed that he feels he has to reassure you, he thinks you are being over sensitive. Also, he may have awareness that he is struggling and understands that a successful relationship “takes work” and by using those words he is engaged in the work part. Yeah, I know, not very romantic is it? But there is some support to the notion that if you say something enough, your will eventually believe it. Some people are motivated by their vows to remain committed, even if they have lost the spark.
That said, his physical actions are the manifestation of his struggle. He’s “antsy” because his tendency is to focus his angst into mundane activity.
You don’t have to but you could be a little sensitive to what he is going through. He’s likely not able to articulate it to your counselor - with you present at least.
All IMHO…grain of salt, and all that.
My SO walks ahead of me. Not in a rude way, but he’ll head out to the car while I’m putting my shoes on. This used to bother me, but then I realized that he does it with his son, too.
My SO is also the type that will check his phone while we’re talking, scan the room while we’re eating, check out high heels on the street (but he’ll point them out to me), and will ALWAYS finish his dinner before I do. Actually, his son is a fast eater too, so I’ll often be the only one left eating.
I think the difference is that, if/when I say something, he’ll do his best to be sensitive. I’ve trained him to wait for me if I’m wearing heels so that he can help me across our pebble-surfaced street. Sometimes I have to remind him to put the phone away or ask him to stay at the table until I’m done. But he always does it.
I would be more concerned with your husband ignoring your requests to modify his behaviors rather than the behaviors themselves.
I stated that “letting oneself go” could be anything from weight gain to hygiene to lack of time/energy to sexual stagnation. Keep playing with your strawman in the corner if it makes you feel good, though.
This. Also, you might want to just ask him flat out what needs to happen in the marriage to make him happy, because you can see that he’s not. I’d say counselling first off, but the truth is if he wants out and is just being sneaky about it, he might lie through all that, too, just out of guilt. So make a list of what YOU want out of the marriage, and if you don’t get it, move on. Better to split and move on than live a lie for the next ten years, or whenever it is someone finally says they want out.
I’m guilty of this. I bolt out of the vehicle when we arrive at the store. But I figure he pick up the pace if he wanted me to linger. There is no conversation when you’re married, if you’ve not been talking the past few minutes, there’s not going to be anything to talk about in the near future. You’re together all the time, if you’ve nothing to say at the moment, there’s no reason to linger by their side waiting for a few words.
I mainly bolt out of the vehicle at the store because I may have an errand to run: Bank, library bookdrop, grab a limited item that may sell out if I delay, etc, and I know that my spouse will run ahead of me while I’m doing the errand, so I just get the jump so I don’t get separated.
Now at a restaurant, yes, I am out while my spouse is finishing a drink. Why? Maybe I’m paying the bill, and I know he won’t linger while I wait at the register. I’m also a smoker, he is not. I don’t linger when it’s over, if it’s run-of-the-mill, I want to go smoke. We’ll be back next week, it’s nothing to especially savor.
Now if we were to go for a walk, I’d do my damnedest to stay side-by-side. That’s the point of the walk.
Whenever we’re in Laos or Cambodia, I usually make the wife walk in front. Landmine protection.
My husband always walks in front of me when we’re on walks. I bring it to his attention, and he slows down for a bit, but next thing you know, he’s in front again. He has a longer stride than me, plus he approaches all physical activity as if he’s an Olympian in training, so I don’t look at it as a personal affront. He’s just being him.
It’s hard to tell without knowing them whether the OPer is nitpicking or if his behavior is truly an attempt to distance himself from her. I mean, I know wives who are ridiculously insecure and will turn the most innocuous thing into a battle (e.g. their spouse going to Hooters for lunch). But I also know husbands who are stupid enough to believe that the Hooters waitress is flirting with him because she wants to take him home for the night. Both need a reality adjustment.
I will say that it sounds to me like the OPer has no trust in him, and that’s pretty much the death knell of a relationship.
My husband has a tendency to do this, which makes sense since I am short, have ridiculously short legs, and my comfortable pace is far, far slower than his with his long legs and high energy level. He would tend to pull ahead on walks. I told him it bothered me, if I wanted to walk alone I would do it while he was at work (said in a nice way). He stopped doing it and if he catches himself ahead of me, he slows down on his own and agreeably suffers my glacial pace.
Just for comparison with your husband, who sounds to me like he is walking away from you in more than one way.
On the other hand, we have been married for 40 years…maybe I just wore him down.
This is the basic thing. Once you’ve been married for some time, it’s time you decided to stop being annoyed by things. A person is who he or she is. And if it’s a person who spends the greatest part of his or her non-work time with you, then you should just make the choice to start liking him or her the way he or she is. Once you get to know what a person its like, it’s time for you to either accept it or move on.
That’s the truth of it Acsenray My husband used to get annoyed when he’d say turn left and I’d turn right. After a while he’d say no the other left, or he’d point. Thing is I knew my behaviour was annoying not only to him but to me too and even dangerous and although I try to get it, we’ve had to work around it.
There’s a game we played as kids called “Never Vex”. One person gets to be totally annoying for say half an hour, and the other is not allowed to get annoyed or rather not to act on their annoyance. As kids you’re poking the other person or squirting them with a water gun. Play this as adults if you dare.
“I chat up people in the supermarket just to get a rise out of you” It’s totally annoying, but what you learn is how your mate can push your buttons for their own amusement and once you know that you can find the humour in it instead of flying off the handle.
whoever has the better looking butt should take the lead.
My husband doesn’t walk next to me in public, he walks ahead, but if he does walk next to me and we are walking past other people he only leaves room for himself to pass and if I stayed next to him he would run me into the people we were passing…
Life is much nicer if you don’t assign insidious motives to behaviors which could be innocent. A person who favors efficiency may be uncomfortable moving, in their mind, slowly or leaving jobs undone, such as clearing a table when they finish eating even if others aren’t done.
If we are a a trade show or somehwere that only one of us has an interest I don’t think it odd that we walk at different paces. If we are walking the dog together or just out for a walk I feel like we should walk together.
Yes, it annoys me, and if she hadn’t stopped we wouldn’t still be married.
You are married to a man who is not very thoughtful, but then, so is almost every other woman. Men are not mind-readers, and can’t always know exactly what you think and want, but at least they ought to be a little bit perceptive, and have some sense of the kinds of things that you appreciate an occasional demonstration of. You can mention it once, and hope he remembers, but mentioning it twice is “always harping on it” and counterproductive…