In your opinion, are the things said in anger actually true, or is it just the anger talking? I think that if a person says something, angry or not, it comes from somewhere and should be taken seriously. My friend does not agree, and says that people can say anything when they are mad. What do you think?
While I’ll forgive something said in anger more easily, forgiveness still needs to be asked for. I’ve known several people who seem to think that anything said in anger does not need an apology and this has just floored me.
Should we also not hold physical abusers responsible for their violence just because they were angry at the time?
Missed your first question: Depending on the person it could be something said just to wound you or it could be an ugly truth that they usually keep hidden.
However, IMO it doesn’t matter whether what is said in anger is true or not. If what they said hurt you then they should apologize for that. Saying something just because it is true is a pretty shitty thing to do, IMO
My own personal criteria for deciding what to say (yes, even when angry): 1) is it true? 2) is it necessary? 3) is it kind?
1 and 2 can trump 3 in some very rare circumstances, but keep in mind that words can never truly be “taken back”.
Anger can excuse matters of degree. If someone routinely objects to your (lack of) cleanliness and in a huff calls you a pig, that was just the anger talking.
If someone comes from out of the blue with something that has never said before, then you have reason to worry. If you are fighting you SO and she blurts out “your mother is a tramp”, that was hiding in there somewhere. Anger let it out but didn’t make it up.
People who know each other well usually know what buttons to push - the insult doesn’t have to be true, just wounding:
‘you are a coward’
‘you sleep around’
‘Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!’
In my opinion, anger is no excuse for saying things that can’t be taken back…or unsaid.
My MIL has said some horrible, vicious things when she’s been angry. She has never apologised for any of them because, apparently, anger makes it okay, or true or…something.
I would not keep a friend who felt free to say hurtful things with anger as the justification. Family is a little more complicated, but it’s made for some rough times over the years.
Unless you are mentally incompetent, you are responsible for whatever you say. If you say something horrible in anger, I personally would hold you accountable for it.
I do believe people can hold contradictory beliefs simultaneously, such as “I wish I didn’t have kids” and “I love my kids desperately and would hate to lose them.” If you verbalize the first in anger and your kids are pissed at you, feel horrible, hold it against you, I don’t think you can reasonably expect them the accept “Well, I was mad at you when I said it, I didn’t mean it, get over it” as an excuse. All you can do is apologize and hope they feel your sincerity.
I think the fine art of apologizing is the key for people who just cannot keep their mouths shut when they’re mad. Unfortunately, most of those people don’t like to apologize either.
Well, I think that the general concensus is that when people say bad stuff, they mean it on some level. The question is, does an apology really make such things all right again? Depending upon the insult, I would say you would have to call it as you see it.
Thanks for your helpful comments…
Um, around here, you might want more than a few comments for “concensus” 
I am a person with a temper, which I try to keep under control. But on those occasions where it lets loose, I can verify that I will say things I do not really think or feel to be true, simply because I know they will be hurtful.
Mostly, you have to keep in mind that people at one time or another think a whole lot of contradictory things about other people, even those they love. For example, my ex-wife generally loved me, but there were times she thought I was profligate with money. Did she in general consider me an over-spender? No, not when she wasn’t angry about something I had purchased that she didnt’ see a need for. So, if in anger she said I was a good-for-nothing deadbeat who spent us out of house and home, she wasn’t really meaning that at all.
As for excusing anger, well, that’s up to you as a person to deal with: there are no right or wrong answers on that. But no one should be unwilling to accept whatever consequences obtain from anything that they say, anger-caused or not.
This is a good question.
I for one believe that when people say things in anger, usually they are showing you exactly what’s on their mind. In fact, I’m more liable to think someone is lying when they’re being super nice and friendly than when they are blurting stuff out in a fit of rage. Anger gives people permission to stop self-censoring themselves. We usually self-censor ourselves so that we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings or make ourselves look bad. In the moment that we’re angry, we suddenly want to hurt feelings, so out comes all the things our more civil selves have previously been holding back.
So when someone apologizes after saying something mean in a fit of anger, what is the apology making amends for? The fact that they the mean thing was said? Or the fact that the person actually believes the mean thing that was said? If someone said something really vile about me when angry and later apologized for it, I would choose to see that apology as an admission of remorse for purposely trying to hurt my feelings. It would need to be an ungoaded, completely heartfelt apology in order for me to forgive them for the indiscretion of hurting my feelings. If it was something minor, this wouldn’t be too hard.
However, if I was convinced that they actually meant what they said, even if I knew that they didn’t mean to say it, AND it was a really vile and ugly thing that they said, their apology will not stop me from thinking ill of them. Their little fit of rage simply gave me an opportunity to see what they really think. Can someone apologize for the thoughts that they have? I don’t think so. I could forgive them for hurting my feelings, but I could never forget what they said.
In furor veritas.
Yeah. What she said. Since I’m a person who dislikes confrontation, I pretty much do keep a lot of stuff bubbling under the surface, and it comes out in a throwdown. Most people I know, however, are people who discount things said in anger, so I usually don’t end up in too much hot water over it.
The downside of that is that, hey - just because I said it to hurt your feelings doesn’t mean it’s not true. So maybe instead of completely blowing off that comment I made about how your ass and a surrounding 20-foot radius smells like the slow, flatulent, rotting death of a thousand garbage-fed rodents, you could start bathing a little more often, hmmm? 
And on the flipside of that coin, because I’m the way I am, I tend to believe what other people say to *me * in anger and sometimes (depending on the circumstances) try to adjust accordingly. Which just makes it all the more 
for me when the same person who said that my ass smelled like the slow, flatulent, rotting death of a thousand garbage-fed rodents is asking me later why I’m suddenly showering twice a day, and then says, “What? I said that? Well, I was pissed off - I didn’t *mean * it.”
I think that the things people say in anger are usually true, that they’re showing their true feelings. I also think that apologizing for things said in anger only goes so far - as others have said, things can’t be unsaid. There are things that people can say in anger that are virtually unforgiveable - the verbal equivalent of nuclear warfare. I would also look at the pattern - does this person say whatever they want, and think that an apology makes everything better over and over? If the behaviour doesn’t change, an apology means nothing.
I am so ashamed by my wanton display of redundancy.
::weeping::
I’ve learned to recognize that when any barb is prefaced with “That’s why…”, the mean truth* is about to come out.
“That’s why your breath stinks like hot shit and you have a big hairy moustache!”
“That’s why nobody likes you!”
“That’s why you flunked that test…because you’re stupid!”
*“Truth” in the sense that this is what the insulter believes is true.
I try very hard to watch what I say when I’m angry, because if I know you well enough to bother arguing with you, and know you well enough to actually be angry, then you can bet I know how to hurt you.
It’s definitely not as simple as “I didn’t mean that at all” or “that’s the truth”.
I’m sure there’s a bit of truth in whatever the statement is, otherwise it wouldn’t bother them, but it’s more likely that it’s usually a niggling annoyance (but not a huge deal) that gets intensified during an argument, then spit out to hurt someone.
I know at times my childish side comes out and I do feel like hurting whoever I’m fighting with.
That has to be the only thing I like about living apart from my boyfriend; if we argue, it’ll likely be online, where I can sort of do a rough draft and edit what I want to say to him. It helps take away from spur-of-the-moment outbursts.