I have noticed that many times a person will proclaim A, but when brought to anger, they will use it against you. For example, I recently got tore into by my lab partner in Chem 3. I mentioned that she was doing something incorrect, and she needed to wait a bit before collecting data, as she was collecting incorrect data. This is not an isolated incident, and I think she was mad at me for not letting her copy pre-lab the last few weeks. (one of those lazy lab partners that never does any work herself).
Anyhow, she has told me many times that she feels that no age is too late to go to school, and that she feels that it doesn’t mean I am a loser that I was 28 and only working on my 3rd year. BUT, the second I was offering some constructive criticism, she blew off her handle, and not only called me a loser that waited until now to go to college, she insulted my abstinence of sex, something she pretty recently said was very commendable (she is religious, but lives with a guy and is not married).
So when people say one thing, but will deride it later in anger, which is the more truthful statement of their true feelings? Some people are too nice, and will say nice things to be nice, even though they don’t actually feel that way. In anger, they will latch onto things they feel are true to lash out in anger and cause harm. Generally people will not make stuff up out of cloth. If I am arguing with somebody who is absolutely beautiful and is a model or something, I will not call her a butt-ugly shrew, simply because it is the furthest thing from the truth, and probably wouldn’t hurt her. Truth hurts, right?
So are these people speaking their TRUE feelings when they lash out in anger?
Do you feel certain ways about people that may not surface (i.e you are too polite to say it or admit it in normal company), but when the tempers flare, it comes right out?
It might not be that those are her true feelings, but just the statements she knows will hurt you the most. Anything you’re insecure about is an excellent target in an argument, so be careful.
Yeah, I think it depends on the person. For some people, the angry outburst is indeed their true feelings. For other people, the angry outburst is just whatever they know will hurt you even if they don’t believe it.
For that matter, it might also be partially a reflection of her own insecurities. Maybe she lashed out at you about the abstinence issue because she feels guilty about being sexually active herself. You know, trying to rationalize that your path is wrong because she doesn’t want to face her own religious conflicts about sex and cohabitation.
I think that girl’s comments were way too personal and she was definitely out of line talking that way to you. Obviously she is very immature…so I’d say you should be thankful that you’re not her age anymore.
As for the issue of going back to school at a late age, well, I knew many middle-aged students in undergrad because my school catered to “non-traditional” students. Even now that I’m in med school, I have a 50 year old man in my class…now, think about that. The dude won’t even be done with med school until he’s 54, and won’t finish residency until he’s at least 57 (or later, depending on what specialty he goes into)…yet here he is. So, looking at it from that perspective…at 28, you’re still just a young pup.
Geez, I was about to say this myself. I went back to school at 28 and I know the feeling like you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. Most of your fellow students won’t know how old you are until you tell them, though. Twenty-eight really isn’t all that different from 21, at least physically. You do lose the urge to reach in and oull out the most hurtful thing you can find when you get mad at someone, though.
One’s true feelings change with one’s mood. Sometimes I genuinely like Bach, sometimes I genuinely like the Clash.
When someone is angry and flying off the handle, the mean things they say are their true feelings at that moment, but when they’re calm and relaxed and saying nice things about you, those are also their true feelings at that moment.
Which one is “real”? I really don’t think you can give just one answer to that. I like to think that one’s rational, calm self is one’s “real” self, but when I read the news I wonder.
Yup, I agree. It’s possible those are her true feelings. But more likely, in a moment of fustration she grasped for what she thought would be hurtful.
Which is very petty of her…but she’s young. Don’t hold it against her .
(And don’t hold it against here that she says your to old to be in school…you could smack her upside the head but you might damage the soft spot on her skull.)
I tend to agree with **jackelope/b], for the most part. both sets of feelings may be “true”; we are human and sometimes possess seemingly contradictory emotions simultaneously.
“do I contradict myself? very well then, I contradict myself. I am vast; I contain multitudes.” -Walt Whitman
however, we may experience one set of feelings more often or more overwhelmingly than we experience the opposing set… in which case it is probably safe to say these are our “true” feelings, in the sense that you mean.
in response to the question itself, I’d say it depends on the person. she may be the type to say what she thinks is polite while thinking something entirely different (until she’s angry), or she may be like an ex of mine: if he felt insulted or hurt, he would immediately lash out with the most vitriolic bile he could spew. personally, I find this more likely, because there are so many people that do it without even realizing it. there’s really nothing to be done about that, and intentions don’t really enter into it for these people: the instinct reads “I’m hurt–>I attack”, regardless of whether the insulter purposely inflicted the insult.
Yes. But I do not feel this is anger in your case, it is a butthead lab partner. Obviously this one has some issues outside of your classes.
I guess I’m somewhat predjudiced about your age; I was 30 when I returned to college to finish my degree, and NEVER, not once, was referred to as a loser; quite the opposite, in fact. My classmates were very supportive and sometimes amazed at my wife working, both of us sharing child-rearing duties, and my working two part-time jobs in additon to a full class load.
In other words: loser. Don’t sweat the small stuff in class with this witch; ditch her and don’t look back.
