Puhleeze! Bring on your demon-summoning book. 
I’ll read it forwards, backwards, and upside down, translate it to latin and read it again. I’ll read it while rubbing my head and patting my stomache. I’ll read it after I’ve been sucking helium from balloons. Heck, I’ll even read it while wearing a kilt and dancing a jig with no underwear.
(doing my bit in the fight against ignorance)
KJ: Towers of Hanoi
When I started reading this thread, a crow appeared on my shoulder and read along. Once in a while he whispers something about a plague. There’s also a Saint Bernard at my door, wanting to get in. Doggy must hungry, 'cause he’s drooling.
And remember: do not battle the living dead with a thermonuclear device unless you know which way the wind is blowing. And if your girlfriend starts recycling bottles and bed springs through her skin, it’s time to fire up the oven.
If you’re a geek, and someone incredibly gorgeous wants to have sex with you, you’re dead.
“Ti-i-i-ime, is on my side. Yes it is.”
Nearly forgot.
Never, NEVER, say a recently departed person’s name five times in a row when looking in a mirror. Not even if she’s got tits like Virginia Madsen.
Don’t stand too close to Arnold Winkelried, expecially if there’s demons about.
If shooting someone between the eyes with a large-caliber handgun does not immediately kill them, don’t keep shooting; run.
If you desperately need backup, call 911 and tell the police that an armed intruder is breaking into your house. Don’t tell them that it’s a monster/alien/undead thing; let them discover that for themselves.
Don’t push buttons if you don’t know what they do.
When climbing, tie vital equipment or items to you.
Count shots.
If the villian says he’ll kill your partner/best friend/spouse if you don’t surrender, ask yourself: “Won’t he kill them anyway?”
Also, stay away from the house on Lodovico St. with its attic windows blocked off with news paper. Dont even enter it. But if you must, do NOT spill blood on the floor boards in the empty spare room. When in California, dont stay outside in Santa Carla at night, especially the beach.
If a man offers you a small polished puzzle box with neat-o metal inlay and says to you “What’s your pleasure?”, do not buy said object.
Do not attempt to move a mattress that has chains with hooks on the end, and is covered in blood.
If a portal opens up in the wall to your hospital room, do not go in, especially if the hallway is dark and looks ancient.
If a pillar covered in grisly looking sculpture starts talking to you, get the hell out of there!
When talking to someone, watch for subtle changes in the face, like eye colour. Also, watch for people that fly.
Never, ever reach for your girlfriend if she appears to you from the other side of a mirror. I don’t care how much you like her.
If you leave bed to check on a noise, make sure that it’s really your spouse in bed with you before snuggling down for the night.
When you open a door to check on a noise, open it all the way back. Suddenly. Slam it right back, and don’t worry about leaving a hole in the wall. It will hit the person you are looking for.
Unusual plant life is bad.
Blonde children that all look alike spell trouble. Also, a whole town of women getting pregnant at the same time is not natural.
People who appear and disappear whenever you glance away probably aren’t human.
Artificial intelligence is usually bad. Computers should not think for themselves.
If your pet doesn’t like someone, and all the animals get skittish when that person is around, he or she probably isn’t good.
Stay away from Indian Burial grounds.
If someone needs a direct invitation from the owner of the house before they’ll walk through the door, don’t do it.
I ashamed to admit I got Nilbog, too. But I think the first one was better.
If you open your door and a tree stump with a face tells you to “Shut that damn door!”, listen.
Ack! I’m, not I. I’m not a damned Troll myself 
If a spaceship that disappeared from the universe ten years ago suddenly reappears, broadcasting something in latin with screaming, do not enter the space ship.
If the spaceship appears to be empty, but shows blood and gore on the walls everytime the lightening strikes, do not enter the spaceship.
If you do enter the spaceship, if one of your crewmen starts hallucinating about his wife committing suicide, leave the space ship.
If Baby Bear airlocks himself and speaks in different voices, leave the spaceship.
–Tim
Hey! We’re not all bad. I haven’t killed anyone in nearly a quarter of a century.
always, always, always, look up. the danger comes from above.
If you’re ever in a movie that has “Pumpkinhead” anywhere in the title, fire your agent.
If you really must further investigate the scene where the body was found, do it when all those cops and flashing lights are still present. Don’t go back in the middle of the night all by yourself when just your heels clicking against the pavement will sound louder than a jackhammer. Even if you did get a flash of inspiration about how the killer got away unseen.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
If someone tells you three words that will avert the coming of the evil terrible horror from beyond the grave, please write them down! Phonetically, too.
thats the best way iv’e heard anyone phrase that LOL
Sorry, struuter, I like magdalene’s solution better. Now what tunnel were we talking about, exactly? 