Okay, so Mr. Pug has been out of work for a couple of months. I’m good at job-hunting on the 'net, so I help him out. He’s quite specialized at what he does, so I use a variety of words when searching so that I don’t miss a funkily-named opening. But Judas Priest, what clueless HR idiot could think up some of these titles? Here are some titles and their actual definitions:
“Operations Specialist” - receptionist
“Master Black Belt” - some kind of biotech technician, I forget
“Facilities Coordinator” - file clerk in the facilities department
“Laboratory Engineer” - glassware and hamster cage cleaner
FYI, Black Belt is a six sigma quality certification offered by the American Society for Quality – it’s a professional designation. It makes sense that that would appear in the search field.
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In the past year, my job title has been changed from Library Assistant, to Public Services Assistant, to Library Services Assistant. By the same HR Administrator. Dumbasses.
D’oh! Thanks, manhattan, I had this mental image of karate champions being hired to enforce discipline on the assembly lines.
But this nebulous naming habit means that not only do I waste time looking at jobs which bear more grandiose names than is necessary, but I may miss jobs which are perfectly suited for Mr. Pug but no one on God’s green earth could guess this. A recent example was “Senior Engineering Specialist”. Now, you would think from looking at this that they wanted an experienced and specialized engineer with a degree, but just by chance I looked at it and they were looking for a biotech facilities CAD designer, exactly what Mr. Pug does. And I almost skipped it over! Aaaaargh!
I once worked at a law firm where the Human Resources manager was called the “People and Development Manager”. I had a hard time not sniggering whenever I had to talk with the bearer of this hideous, pompous, oh-so-post-90s title. She suited the title though, I must admit.
I actually laughed aloud when I was introduced to the “Know-How Centre”. I kept my immediate thought (“oh, what happened to your library?”) to myself, however.
And behold, inside the “Know-How Centre” resided the… “Know-How Tools”! (Or “Know-How Resources”, I forget exactly what the firm had collectively renamed their books, law journals and law reports.)
In my last job, I had the privilege of defining my own title (and job desription, to a large extent) - I changed ‘Stock Auditor’ into ‘Inventory Analyst’ (there had been a broadening of scope in the job description that justified this) - did wonders for my CV.
“Information Specialist” almost sounds like what some people want to call librarians.
For example, the department at the University of Michigan where librarians get trained is now known as the School of Information, rather than Library Science.
I have a friend who is a librarian at an elementary school. Her official title is ‘Media Specialist’. Sounds like something you qualify for by watching Monday Night Football or several hours of election coverage.
My favorite one was Agricultural Paraprofessional, aka ‘Hired Hand’. Of course I made it up for myself when I was working as one but that’s beside the point: it went over quite well with the boss. I got a name tag and everything…
Oh, I forgot about a creative title I once wore. In my student vacation worker days, I spent a couple summers in the fields of a university field station harvesting plants. My other duties included counting the seeds from pods of dried legumes, and picking sheep shit from plant samples.
For this ardous work I was awarded the grand title of “Research Technician”.
