would asexual include someone who desperately wants a relationship but maybe isn’t so much interested in sex?
I have a friend who announced in front of a bunch of people that she is an “Ace” which she then explained meant she is asexual. She seems pretty desperate for a significant other including recently a married man but maybe she just isn’t interested is the sex part.
I am concerned if I ask her she will feel confronted as I confronted her on some other stuff recently that had noting to do with sex.
I guess it really isn’t my business and I think someone can describe themselves however they think fits best but I am finding this confusing since to my understanding a sexual is not having attraction to anyone.
Unless there’s more to the story, from the little given I can’t see any reason whatsoever for you to bring up and attempt discuss her sexuality. If she asked for advice or seeked you out and started the conversation, that would be one thing, but it doesn’t appear that’s what happened.
There’s more information than you’d know what to with online and I know a few members on this board can probably answer some questions. But what you want to do sounds similar (at least to me) to approaching someone that just came out of the closet and asking them how the sex works.
You can be curious, sure, but leave it alone. As you said, it’s not your business and you already know it’s likely to make them uncomfortable.
And, FWIW, wanting to have a significant other, but not having a sexual relationship with them (or keeping it to a minimum), doesn’t seem like a difficult concept to wrap your head around. Not everyone likes and dislikes the same thing you do and you’re under no obligation to ‘fix’ that.
There are non-sexual relationships. I don’t think an asexual person wants no relationships, just not sexual ones. May not be easy to find an SO who wants a sexless relationship. The only one I know of is a disabled woman who married and supports a man who takes care of her. But there could be a lot of such relationships and people don’t talk about it.
I am not trying to “fix” her but if she is going to bring this up in conversation I want to understand what is meant. She seemed to think that we would all understand what she meant and I was the primary one she was speaking with. I did read on line but it did not expressly answer this question.
So you are saying that after someone announces that they are gay wanting to know in a general way how that works is wrong? I didn’t challenge her on what she actually does but I think she is using the term incorrectly or that I am. If I am wrong I want to know that I am wrong so I won’t stick my foot in my mouth when the subject comes up again either with her or someone else.
I apologize for offending you with my line of questioning.
it is in the pit because any discussion about sex is 1) adult 2) can be challenging with people getting upset. So rather than discussing adult type issues anywhere else I wanted to start where challenging issues can be discussed openly.
In modern gender and sexuality discourse? I think so. As TriPolar references someone may determine that they are asexual, that is, not interested in sexual activities, but not aromantic, so they are still interested in emotional intimacy, cuddling, and other affectional activities.
I think this is something that has sort of been spearheaded by bisexual and pansexual people, as I think they are the groups that can most easily see a divergence. I’m gay and homoromantic, but probably would have never thought to separate the two because I haven’t needed to. Meanwhile a bisexual woman may notice that when she is interested in hookups, she is equally likely to go home with either a man or a woman, but when she is interested in a relationship, she tends to date women. She would be a bisexual homoromantic.
I guess, then, my question stems from this line in the OP “I am concerned if I ask her…”. That’s the one that caught my attention. What is the motivation for having to ask her anything at all? Don’t get me wrong, you’re allowed to be curious and want to ask questions, but if you’re concerned she’ll feel confronted, then it’s best left alone.
I’ve read the OP a few times and each time I read it, all I can hear is “she wants a significant other, but she doesn’t want sex and that bothers/confuses me”. I understand I may be putting words in your mouth but it’s brought up three times.
As for ‘what is meant’, if she told you she’s asexual, it means she’s not interested in having sex with anyone.
It’s about as wrong as asking a hetero couple about their sex life. Some people will be more than happy to discuss it, most won’t and it’s generally not something you ask people about. Especially now that you can find everything online should you want to.
If she’s using the term wrong, she’ll figure it out on her own. For the time being my suggestion is that you take what she said at face value and assume the term she used to identify herself is the correct one. IOW, if she called herself asexual, assume she’s asexual. Read up on asexual and if it comes up you’ll have at least a bit of background on it (or just ask her questions about it if she brings it up). I can’t imagine telling her she’s wrong could possibly go well.
TL;DR, yes, I would consider it wrong to ask a gay couple how the sex works.
I don’t spend any time asking anyone I know about their sex lives and I would be offended by anyone pressing about mine. So it doesn’t matter what their orientation or level of desire, the specifics of it aren’t really anyone’s damned business.
I think it is wrong to ask anyone specifics about their sexual activity which is why I said I didn’t want to ask her. I did not ask her I asked on an anonymous board that would include people of many different walks of life a general question. I was trying to address the question “why don’t you ask her what she meant” prior to the discussion. I am not even sure that she isn’t interested in sex but since I know she is avidly pursuing a relationship trying to understand how she would term this as asexual… wanting a relationship and not wanting sex is the only way I could see that asexual would apply.
I think you are misunderstanding what I wrote in several places, I apologize for not being clear. I would not ask anyone what they do behind closed doors. Gay, straight or any other flavor and I did not ask here. I looked on the internet and did not see an answer to my specific question. I have now been given a specific source that did answer my question.
You can be asexual and aromantic or asexual but not aromantic (note that I’m not saying “smelly.”) I learned that primarily through the documentary series Bojack Horseman.
Well, think about the older women who lose interest in sex, but don’t simply bail on their marriages.
They still want the companionship and intimacy, they simply don’t want sexual intimacy any longer.
Are they asexual? I suppose it could be argued, but some of them might disagree with the assessment.
It seems to me that if someone describes themselves as asexual, they’re signaling a disinterest in sex, not in companionship and intimacy.
The only place where this becomes a problem is when they pursue companionship with people they know want sex and are dishonest about their own levels of interest. It is unethical and immoral (in my view) to deceive someone about this in order to gain a relationship, yet it happens all of the time because we as a society don’t really have any ways to discuss the differences in our sexual appetites when forming relationships. That and all too many of us are lacking the abundance of choices to be able to say no to less than perfect relationships.
I’m asexual. I had a harder time coming out than my sister the lesbian did.
Have I been in love with people? Yes, but…they have to be willing to not have a physical relationship with me. My last partner left when he realized I was serious on that subject, and he was not going to change me mind. My partner before that was asexual, and it was great.
Sex and love are two different items. Can you have a love relationship without the physical component. Definitely.
And the older men. I promise it happens to the older men as well.
I think part of the issue here may be the definition of “romantic”. In the US, “romantic” is often used to mean “sexual; (hopefully) leading to sex; foreplay”. In most other cultures it means “the parts of partnered love which are not sexual”. In order for something such as “asexual but not aromantic” to make sense, we need to be using the second definition. I expect that’s what the OP’s friend is doing; she is interested in the long-term companionship and the partnership, but not in the sexual bits.