Asexuality: What do you think?

In My Humble Opinion
1

20/20 did a report on people who describe themselves as asexual. Some of them say they have had sex, and it was okay, but kind of meh (which, incidentally, is how I feel about it).

Apparently, some people disagree.

The fact that a lot of asexual people have actually had sex and are still saying they don’t miss it seems to have escaped her.

I’m biased towards the asexuals, obviously, because I agree with them that sex, while okay, is not the Grand Glorious Ultimate Pinnacle of Human Pleasure that it’s painted as. Research is lacking in this area, according to the article; the default belief seems to be if you don’t like sex, and aren’t particularly attracted to anybody, male or female, then there’s Something Wrong With You. The asexuals take the view that this is simply the way they are, the same way that gay people are gay and straight people are straight.

So let’s discuss this. There’s a discussion going on at the long hair care board I’m a member of, which is where I found the link, but we’re talking about the redhead chick’s braids (which are gorgeous, BTW), and I’m interested in the topic. What’s your opinion on people who aren’t terribly interested in sex?

2

I can certainly believe some people simply don’t like / need / want sex; why not?

On the other hand, it’s also true that some people have psychological reasons for not being interested that they might not fully understand. In my case, I was asexual (and happy about it) until I realized I was gay and came to terms with that. For me it was a coping strategy, but if you’d asked at the time, I would have said, “No, I’m just not really interested.” If you’d then said, “You just don’t know what you’re missing,” I would have thought you a smug, condescending bastard, but you’d have been right. YMMV.

3

They exist, I’m one of them, I’ve experienced it and found it rather lacking, and that therapist is full of shit.

4

Well biologically there may be something wrong with you - but that’s just in the sense that we are biologically driven to reproduce. In human history the bio factor has been somewhat suppressed by arrainged marriages, forced sex and forced denial of sex. What seems like it should be a very strong drive, may have been interfered with and people not interested in sex have been forced to have offspring, and others with a strong sex drive have been prevented.

Also everyone is different, and responds differently to situations, which is what makes us unique.

5

I don’t see why the multitude of biological factors in creating sex drive couldn’t conspire to just… not create a significant one. if it’s possible for people to have brain chemistry resulting in depression, or mania, or any other abnormality, it’s certainly possible to have the same resulting in lack of interest in sex.

for my part, I think that at least some asexuality in those who have experienced sex is due to the quality of the experience. up until a few years ago, I was having some extremely lackluster sex. I had a sex drive, though minimal, but I always viewed sex as this nagging sort of obligation to my partners. I think the major change came when I finally lost my inhibitions about masturbating. I was having boring sex because I didn’t even know how to get myself off-- how could I instruct a partner, who doesn’t know the ins and outs of my particular anatomy or sensitivity, to do the same?

so, since I started having good sex, my sex drive has skyrocketed. I understand where the “meh” feelings are coming from; sex really can be pretty blah if you don’t have the right ingredients (for me emotional connection is chief among those). I think for many people there’s a significant challenge in finding the right combination of those ingredients, and for some of those, the pursuit of the discovery is so frustrating that they just give up.

at any rate, if you truly are happy being asexual, and you don’t question or doubt yourself because of it, who is anyone else to tell you anything about it? as always, make sure that you are listening to your own mind; beyond that, if you are happy, you are on the right path.

6

I have a few friends who are asexual. There’s no history of abuse, they’ve had sex partners, they are happy, healthy and normal in every other aspect. They just aren’t into sex. Whatever floats their boat.

7

My friends who were asexual in their teens and 20s all eventually came out as gay by their early 30s. For some of them it was a deeply painful and drawn out process. But they are much happier (and as interested in sex as anyone) now.

8

I think it’s a little weird. I can understand being shy about sex or feeling awkward or self concious. I don’t grasp having no sex drive.

Certainly depression or stress can cause zero sex drive.

9

I think the idea is, if you’ve had sex and didn’t like it, you just weren’t doing it right.

(yes, I’ve had bad sex that is “meh”. It’s only one type of sex)

10

I think we have to define things.

I surmise that there is a large subset of self-defined asexuals who simply, though perhaps unknowingly, use it as a coping mechanism. They may be homesexual and unable to reconcile that. They may have had a bad experience with sex such as rape or molestation in the extreme cases or in a degrading or otherwise hurtful manner. They may have been badly damaged by religious upbringing. They may have severe self-worth issues and crippling shyness or self-conciousness.

All of those types of people would, under different circumstances, have a perfectly healthy and normal sex drive. Avoiding sex by being “asexual” simply sheilds themselves from whatever painful or unwanted thoughts or emotions.

Then there is probably a smaller subset of folks who biologically do not desire sex. I don’t know if this is truly analogous to homosexuality (which in a biological sense is just as abnormal, i.e. non-reproductive) or if it analogous to a mental illness.

I think it’s incorrect to paint these two types of people with the same brush.

11

What Omniscient said.

If you asked many women living in the developing world or historical periods where the majority are in sexual relationships where they have no right to refuse and aren’t expected to enjoy or participate in love-making, then I’m guessing a lot of them would say that they find sex distasteful, boring, painful and would probably prefer to go without. Your basic “lie back and think of England” or “brace yourself Bridget” attitude.

It doesn’t mean that their experience isn’t valid, merely that they’re not having satisfying sex in a healthy context. If they were, their opinion might be different ( it might not, but how would they know until they tried?).

12

I don’t think it’s a question of people not having good sex. I’ve had a few sex partners in my life, and I’ve certainly had good sex (my husband is talented in that area, I must say), and orgasms feel good and everything, but frankly I don’t consider them all that important. There’s a million other things I could be doing besides rolling around on the bed getting sweaty and sticky. And leaving sex aside for a moment (and again speaking from personal experience), what about the people who say they’re not physically attracted to anyone, male or female?

I never thought about it much until one of my lesbian friends in college asked me which one of our female classmates I’d like to hit it with if I was a lesbian and I couldn’t think of an answer. Then I realized that if she’d asked me which guy I’d like to hit it with, I still wouldn’t have an answer. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. Then I read The Bone People, and Keri Hulme nailed it for me when her character Kerewin said that for as long as she could remember, she’d avoided emotionally charged contact because it always felt like the other person was draining something out of her. I can’t stand people touching me, especially if I’m stressed out or tense; it’s physically uncomfortable, like my skin is crackling.

I think that’s only part of it; even as a kid, I was never one to drool over whatever celebrities my friends were drooling over. I had posters of big hair bands all over my walls because that was what was expected of me, but while my friends were talking about what they’d like to do with Sebastian Bach in the backseat of his car, I was just thinking that he’d be cool to hang with, maybe drink a beer and watch a movie. And play with his hair.

I think Omniscient is right; we have to differentiate between people who don’t like sex, either because of bad experiences or because they’re closeted and in denial, and people who don’t have any sex drive. I would put myself in the latter category, and I’m pretty sure I’m not mentally ill (the voices in my head agree with me). So I guess the question is, do asexual people have a problem that they need help with, or is it everyone else who has a problem by assuming that asexual people need help?

13

I don’t think it’s always a question of bad sex either, but I think that it may explain some cases. just seems to me it’d be easy enough for someone to try something, not like it, and understandably not be interested in trying again.

14

ack, I misspelled your name, Marlitharn. sorry 'bout that.

15

I genuinely don’t desire sex. Oh, except prior to getting an IUD, where I’d have about oh, 10 minutes per month of ‘Want sex. Now.’ But then if I couldn’t get instant sex gratification, the window of opportunity was gone.

When I -do- have sex, I enjoy it and get physical pleasure as well as emotional satisfaction from it. But on the other hand, I don’t feel driven to it at all. And when I do have sex, I can’t think of anything I’d like to do *less *than drag it out as an hours-long event. Yes, it’s fun. Yes, it’s good stuff. Yes, I’d like to do it in 10 minutes or less please.

Like Marlitharn, I have *very *good sex with my husband - hell, I’d never had an orgasm in my life until him, and he’s got a 100% success rate with me. But this:

sums my attitude up completely.

Left to my own devices, I can easily go years without sex. Heck, in a relationship I could easily go years without sex, except that it’s not fair on my partner. (Even so, I just realised that the last time we had sex was some time prior to our anniversary in July last year, and I hadn’t even noticed until I stopped to think about it.)

Anyway, I can say it’s definitely possible to be basically asexual and yet still enjoy sex if/when you get around to it. It’s just not a driving force in my life.

Unlike Marlitharn, I’m very definitely skewed towards a preference for men - I like the way they look, the way they smell, and I’m very partial to their manly bits (and the female body leaves me cold: I don’t find it displeasing, but I’m not remotely attracted to breasts and curves) but I just don’t have any particular drive to have sex. I’m incredibly affectionate - I honestly don’t think I could survive without affection, touching and cuddling - but my sex drive has never amounted to anything much, and as I get older it’s getting less.

There’s no deep-seated psychological trauma involved either - I was never abused or sexually mistreated at any stage in my life. This is just the way I am; the way I’ve always been. Mark me up as asexual: I came to terms with it as a self-descriptor long ago.

16

I think there IS something wrong with people who don’t like sex. It’s not that they’re bad people, but we are built to enjoy sex, and if someone doesn’t, it seems logical that they are lacking something in their make-up (physical or psychological) that most of us have.

I also think there’s something wrong with people who put sexual pleasure at the tippy top of their list. It’s two extremes. Most of us really like it, but can think of other things they’d rather be doing often enough that it doesn’t encompass their entire being. Some folks are either getting laid or thinking about getting laid all the time. That’s not normal either.

17

You know, even when I’ve had sex that was kind of meh, it’s still better than no sex at all

18

Or they may simply be masturbating like a motherfuck.

:confused: Why are you looking at me like that? Stop looking at me like that.

19

I realize I’m not exactly equiped to go around defining people or anything, but I’m left to wonder if it’s accurate to consider people in your position “asexual”. I can appreciate enjoying sex but not having it high on your priority list, however it seems to me the fact you do have sex, albeit rarely, and enjoy it pretty much puts you outside the definition of asexual.

I don’t suppose you’re exactly a fair comparison to a person that has never desired sex at all and fins the act itself particularly unpleasant.

As to the question of if there’s something “wrong” with people like this. Tough to say and tricky to make value judgements on. My personal opinion is that in most cases (outside of the previously stated group of those with negative exeriences or preference issues) there is probably something abnormal with them chemically. Much like depression and other personality disorders I’d wager (admittedly without any real medical knowledge) there’s an imbalance of chemicals and/or hormones going on that could theoretically be treated. I make this assumption based on the knowledge that many depression medications create this problem as a side effect. It seems logical that folks are capable of manifesting this problem as a matter of course.

Then again, I will allow that there are also a group of people who simply are wired differently. Just as homosexuals are apparently wired differently than straight people I find it difficult to argue against the fact that this is just the way some people are.

20

I identify as asexual, so obviously I think it’s legitimate. I have crushes (mostly on girls, so if I’m a repressed lesbian it’s just the sex part that’s repressed, if that makes sense), but I’ve never fantasized about having sex with anyone. Like Marlitharn, I hate when people touch me. I have kind of an “ick” reaction to sex bits (especially penises), but I kind of like boobs.

I try not to angst about it too much. If I wake up one day with a sex drive, I’ll adapt. I’m only 19, so it could be that I’m just slow. But for now, I think asexual is the most accurate label for me.