Am I asexual or just a normal woman?

First of all, this is my first post after a loooong time of lurking, so please understand if I don’t make any sense. OK.

I’m not crazy about sex. In fact, in my 28 years in this planet I’ve never had it. Never had a boyfriend either. But sometimes I catch myself thinking “If I had a boyfriend, I’d be willing to have sex with him just to please him”. So, does that make me asexual or just a normal woman? Because from what I understand, women don’t love sex as much as men do, that they only really enjoy it if it is with someone the truly love.

So female dopers with average female sex drives, I ask you: How would you feel if someone said to you that you would never meet anyone special, you would never truly fall in love with anyone?

Would you think:
a) OK, well, I guess no sex for me then
b) Ok, well, I guess I’ll just have to have loveless sex because there is no way I’ll abstain from it
c)other (please explain)

I would choose a). I guess I just want to find out if it’s as easy for other women to abstain from sex as it is for me. And if it turns out it is, then I guess I’m not really asexual, I’m just a normal woman.

OK Pressing Submit now. Here goes…

You are a perfectly normal asexual woman.

It sounds to me like you have a much lower than average sex drive, although how much of a problem that is, is really up to you. I mean, personally speaking I cannot imagine a circumstance under which I would be willing to permanently give up sex. (OK, I can imagine it – like, our alien overlords install a device in my body that will make me explosively detonate if I have sex, which by the way is a plot of a story I read online one time – but I’m keeping this in the realm of what’s likely and possible.) I like having sex and generally look forward to having sex. My drive varies depending on what time of month it is, from, 'Yeah, I could have sex if someone suggested it," up to, “I think I will go down to the docks and announce my availability with a bullhorn.”

That’s me, though. If your lack of drive isn’t particularly bothering you, I think that’s probably OK.

Also, welcome to the Dope!

Asexual AND normal at the same time? I never thought of it that way…

No, it doesn’t really bother me. I just get curious about it sometimes.

And thanks!

This may be a bit personal, but… Do you masturbate?

No, not really. I’ve tried to but I just don’t know how to, I guess.

Aren’t you tempted to find a hot guy and give it a try?

Woman here: love makes sex special, but lust makes it pretty damn good too.

If you feel at peace with the way you are, however, just be yourself and don’t worry about it.

Absolutely. Asexuality is one level, if you will, of sexual drive.

Are most people asexual? No. So if by “normal” you mean “statistically average” or “the same as the greatest number of people” then asexuality is not normal.

But if you think of “normal” as “healthy, functioning human being who is or can be fulfilled, productive and maintain loving relationships with other human beings”, then there’s nothing about asexuality that precludes that. Your relationships may not include sex, but frankly *most *of us have far more non-sexual relationships (family, friends, coworkers) than we do sexual ones.

The real question is: are you happy? Do you yearn for greater intimacy and connection with other people, but hold yourself back because you think you can’t get that without offering sex in return? Do you feel you’re held back from work, from promotions, from gainful employment because of your asexuality? Do you feel like you could be a more complete human being if you had sex, or are you pretty happy with yourself the way you are?

I can’t answer those questions for you, of course. But IMHO, whether or not you’re content with your life is far more important than whether or not you ever want to have sex.

As for the question in the OP, I have certainly had and enjoyed sex with people I don’t love in a romantic way. But I’ve only had sex with people I like, respect and feel an emotional connection to. I’m just wired like that, I don’t think I’d do well with unemotional or stranger sex.

No, because, first of all, there are no hot guys where I live :smiley: and second, the hotness of the guy is not a good enough reason for me to want to have sex with him.

…where you live NOW. I have the most amazing intuitive feeling that you have at least 2 major surprises coming your way in terms of self discovery.

One starts with ‘O’. The second begins with ‘Who’.

May you enjoy both equally…

If you feel like there’s something you’re missing out on, you can try exploring your sexuality. You can buy a vibrator online and see what happens (many women find orgasming from a vibrator the only sure way of having one). If you find you like the feeling, you can go from there. If you find you don’t care about the feeling one way or another, you can stop there.

You say you’ve never had a boyfriend. Have you wanted a boyfriend? Again, if you want one and feel like you’re missing out, you probably need to put yourself out there to meet people. If you don’t want one and have never cared, again you can just be reassured that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting these things. You’re just you. Wanting them and not having them is harder.

I honestly have no idea what you’re saying.
I also think I should warn everyone that english is not my first language, so confusions like this one may occur regularly

The “O” is a reference to orgasm, I think.

The “Who” I don’t get.

Buy a vibrator and give it a whirl. (A pocket rocket should do it and they are cheap and easy to use). You need to experience an orgasm, just so you can say you had one. Most likely nothing’s going to change, but it will give you some idea why people seek out sex.

Have you ever had a crush on someone, male or female? If you’ve ever had a crush, but it was based strictly on emotions, I’d say you’re a normal asexual and there are people out there who share your feelings (or lack thereof :)) who you could bond with in a romantic, asexual way. If there’s ever been a twinge of physical arousal when you think of a person, then I think you may just have a low sex drive and some testosterone supplements (for real) may be called for. If you’ve never had a crush or strong emotionally longings at all and sex seems like something only horrible aliens would engage in, then I would say you are asexual and not normal. This may or may not be concerning to you. If it is and you want to be “fixed”, then you may do well finding out what’s behind this.

Note: not normal does not equal “bad”. It just means different.

Not really. Sure, it’d be nice to have someone to go to the movies with, hug and (do that thing when someone runs their fingers through your hair, I don’t know what it’s called). But I don’t need it.

I’ve got a girlfriend with a very active sex life, a wonderful husband, and is pregnant.

She’s never had an orgasm. Self induced, during sex, wet dream, fooling around, nothing.

So if you can’t/don’t have an orgasm with a vibrator, don’t feel like you’re weird.

It happens.

I range from “oh, god, how is my husband horny AGAIN, we just had sex last week!” to “Get over here right now and shag me hard! No I don’t care that we did it 5 minutes ago” depending on where I am in my cycle. I think ‘normal’ female sexuality is pretty wide open depending on the individual.

When I was in college studying psychology, we did a survey among bout 90 female psychology students. Thirty percent said they never masturbated. (as opposed to less then 5 % of men) I don’t know what broader studies on the subject have to say, but based on what I know, I’d say you’re perfectly normal for a 30% minority.

Would you like to live with a man if it was a sexless marriage? Some men seek that too.

I dated a couple of 25ish y.o. women who had stayed virgins on principle.

To hear both tell it, restraining themselves had a lot less to do with tamping down physical lust, a good bit more to do with resisting peer pressure, resisting boyfriend pressure, wanting to make their boyfriend happy. They had more or less lucked into prior relationships where the guys pretty unequivocally accepted and respected their decision, and after that it doesn’t seem like they had any especially strong physical urge that led to temptation or close calls. YMMV.

I don’t think it’s true that women have a lower sex drive than men, but both are subject to great variation. Yours does sound lower than average, but if that isn’t causing you any problems I don’t see any reason to worry about it.