As a male, all my future thinking and even my current decision making can be traced to a single, basic desire. At some deep level, all the things I want to do in life - get a good career, get physically stronger, etc stems from a desire to get laid and carve out a place for my future children.
This may not ever happen, due to obstacles and birth control and other factors, but at some level, it’s the root drive behind everything I do.
With women, they have much less time due to biological clocks that are quite real (over 35 the risks of pregnancy rise enormously, and in the “natural environment” for humans, women needed to have a large number of children to even ‘break even’ versus vicious natural forces). Women I have known seem much more frantic in their 20s, juggling many tasks at once and sleeping maybe 6 hours a night. The pretty ones have their phones constantly “blowing up” from all the guys calling them. (this can make hanging out with a really hot girl feel like having a chat with a busy doctor or other important person.)
So, in the context, it’s difficult grasp what it would feel like to be assexual. What drives your life? How do you think about the future?
Similarly, what about someone who has lost nerves to their genitals. They can look at attractive men or women, but they can’t physically do anything. They can’t masturbate, they cannot get an erection, etc. Is this frustrating or does it ever feel ok?
There are, if I recall, Dopers who would describe themselves as asexual due to having no sexual desire whatsoever, for the same or opposite gender. Newton and possibly Tesla are claimed as such individuals; BBC article on life as an asexual.
I find it somewhat hard to believe that you really trace everything you do to a desire to have sex and procreate. So I don’t know, maybe my take on things will be informative for you.
I am not asexual - I’m married and wouldn’t give up sex for anything - but we are also not going to procreate. I have no particular need to impress her as a mate, and plan to stay monogamous. I will not be providing for any children. Before we married, my wife assumed that the lack of kids would be a big sacrifice for me, but I’ve never really been eager to have kids. (It’s actually kind of ironic. Of my brothers, I’m the only one who never swore that I’d never have kids, but I’m the only one who stuck to that plan.)
Despite all that, I am no less eager to be successful in my career and to have a pleasant place to live. Perhaps my motives are more “selfish” since I can’t claim to be doing these things to benefit a family, but that doesn’t change anything. I enjoy the finer things in life as much as the next guy, but it’s even more basic than that. I can’t imagine not wanting to excel… even if I were the only person left on Earth, I’d be disgusted with myself for doing anything less than my best. If I’m Omega Man, I’m going out with a manicured lawn, damnit. After all, the only thing I can really control is myself - why would I not strive for excellence?
After I die: currently, our wills have things going to relatives on both my and my wife’s sides of the family. We haven’t done anything complicated yet, but I like the idea of restricting access to the inheritance for certain purposes, like a college education for the nephews and nieces. Should I really hit the jackpot in life and have multiple millions to will, I see quite a bit going to charity. I’ll be done with it, and I like the idea that it could benefit someone else later.
(And just for a point of reference: should something happen and I remarried and my new wife wanted a family, I would not be opposed to that. I actually like kids up until age 12 or so, and I suppose as a parent I’d find a way to tolerate my kids as teens. But there’s no real desire to make that happen.)
I just really don’t think about sex with anyone, not in a positive way. I look at women and I sometimes find them attractive, as in pleasing to the eye, but I never think of them sexually. Men, I am sometimes attracted to their arms and shoulders, but again, it’s a warm and cozy feeling not a sexual desire. I don’t have fantasies and I don’t ever dream about sex. I have never, ever felt sexual desire despite having two children and two marriages. I do it because it’s supposed to be done. Not that I couldn’t be enthusiastic! I put on a fine show, and that bit right there pleased me, to know I could please someone I love. I enjoyed the affection and closeness that went along with it, but the actual sex part was tedious at best. Still, when things weren’t perfect in other ways I was less inclined to perform so it always led to major issues in my relationships. I would love to find a new partner to share my life with but after three pressure-free years I think those days are over for me. I’m not interested anymore in even trying unless it’s with a cuddle-buddy.
When I was younger, sex was a tool. If I wanted a boy to like me, I gave them what I knew they wanted. When I was much, much younger I was molested by my father and later a teen neighbor. I never had a pleasant view of sex and especially male reproductive organs. I loathe porn and women who are overtly sexual make me feel queasy. I don’t judge and I swear I’m not a prude (I’ve tried it all in my life!) but if something makes you feel sick inside, it just does.
Oh I seem to have forgotten to actually answer the question. What drives me? Probably my love of life and the desire to learn all that I can. I truly enjoy life itself. I like to take my kids to the park or to the country and take in all the sights and sounds and smells. I like to cook and eat good food. I don’t feel “driven” to do anything other than the basics in life. I live very simply, and 75% of my time I’m lost in my own little world.
I’m not asexual but I figure I’d cut in and reiterate that for sexual people it’s not all about the children either. Yeah, I’m never having kids so everything I do is about me and my husband, and that’s it. My “root drive” is the desire to feel good. That of course covers all the human basics because you can’t feel good if you’re freezing, starving, bored, etc.
I’m on the other side of the coin where I can’t understand how anybody’s root drive could be anything other than “I want to feel good” with the addendum of, “my brain is wired to find this specific thing good” and, “society has taught me that I will feel good if I do (X)” as influences. (i.e. “I want to feel good, and society has told me having children will make me feel good, so I want children” - it’s not about the children, it’s still about feeling good)
It is possible to successfully sublimate said desires into other directions and activities, which is pretty much what I’ve done. It doesn’t help that I’ve never had a satisfying experience along those lines, while, by contrast, said other directions have proven to be very fruitful for me. I just don’t understand how sex seems to be this huge be-all and end-all for so many people, when there’s so much else in life that you can enjoy and celebrate.
I’m not assexual, but it seems to me that, in general, I’m far less driven by sex than most men are. Sure, I’d like to one day settle down and have kids, but the idea that everything I do would trace back to a fundamental desire to procreate just seems, for lack of a better term, primitive to me. I’ve spent a lot of time tracing back to what my most basic desires are, and it seems to me that it all traces back to basically two things, which I really see as two sides of the same thing from different perspectives, beauty and wisdom. That is, I consider myself an artist and a philosopher at heart, and I see those two goals as a manner of making sense of the world and maximizations from those perspectives.
In fact, if anything, I’ve sought to separate myself from my baser biological desires precisely because I don’t want to have kids or have a mate just because I’m biologically driven to do so, but because it actually is what I want in those regards. And, in that sense, I don’t think asexuality is probably all that different other than that they just don’t have that basic sexual drive in the first place. People are driven by all sorts of things, sometimes it’s material wealth, sometimes it’s religious pursuits, sometimes it’s fame, sometimes it’s art or knowledge; sex and reproduction are just one of many possible drives.
I enjoy life. I want to live as long as I can. Every day brings new challenges, new people, new ideas, new everything.
I don’t think sex is required for me to live life to its fullest. To say someone writes a song, helps a child, or even gets out of bed every morning because of sex is assinine, in my opinion. There’s a million reasons every day to live a good life.
Asexual means having no interest in sex. I do not find anyone sexually attractive.
Yes, I am asexual. And in a committed relationship that does not involve sex. Live with it.
I have no sensation “down there” and no, I can not get an erection (never tried Viagra, perhaps it might work but given that I never get an erection at all I am dubious about it). Nonetheless, I am attracted to good-looking women, and have even taken a few out for lunch or dinner very occasionally.
I think a major part of the reason I am not concerned is that even before my injuries I was never particularly sociable. I was a bookworm as a kid and didn’t do much dating. I like kids, but I am not particularly concerned about not having any. (The advantage of playing with kids that are not your own is that you can give them back! :D)
We had a poster, Angel1366, (haven’t seen her for awhile) that had had a hemicorporectomy which, as such amputations do, removed her genitals and the associated nerves. She reported still feeling sexual desire, but being completely unable to satisfy it. She reported it as very frustrating.
I can relate to this post, up to this point. Never was molested like Rushgeekgirl was.
I’ve never really been sex-driven but always have been willing to use it for companionship. Absolutely have never wanted to procreate. Now I’m just over it.
I’m thinking, though, that I am just celibate by choice and not asexual. Because I do have a sexual preference and am turned off by the idea of sex with another woman. But the OP seems to want to know what it’s like to not be driven by sex and it seems like maybe all asexuals are not driven by sex but a lot of other non-asexuals aren’t either.
It never was a big thing in my life so it’s not something I miss or long for. And now it’s to the point where I’d much rather be alone than disappointing.
After all, the only thing I can really control is myself - why would I not strive for excellence?